


Xeno will eat you

by Oikawa_ships_aliens



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aliens, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Kuroo Bokuto and Daichi are roommates, M/M, Oikawa Tooru is a Nerd, Oikawa and Suga are roommates, Plot Twists, Texting, a huge joke with little jokes inside, farming, hot fireman, hot vet, little dogs, robotic owls, space, sugar and coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-01-03 21:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 64,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12155376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oikawa_ships_aliens/pseuds/Oikawa_ships_aliens
Summary: Kuroo and Bokuto build fortress in the living room, Daichi is a hot firefighter who can’t cook, Oikawa loves aliens even more than his hair products and being a drama queen, Suga is edgy and charming and there are puppies.





	1. In which Daichi has a horrendous fashion sense and Ushijima likes to watch things grow.

Daichi knew that something was off about this apartment. The rent was far too cheap.

But the guy who was showing him around looked smart and neat. And he was handsome. Those were good qualities for a future roommate. The apartment was spacious and close to his work, there was a huge bathtub and a nice couch in the living room. So if the other roommate was as clean as this guy seemed to be he was okay sharing the flat with them. For a second there he even thought that it would be great.

If only he knew…

It took him one full day to understand that his roommates were in fact monsters. They were absolutely incapable of doing anything even loosely connected to cleaning. Or cooking. Even turning the microwave on was hard for them at times. The reason why Kuroo used all of his potential as a drama school student to lure Daichi into their apartment was because he and his best friend Bokuto really needed someone to look after them. And someone who knew how to turn the laundry machine on.

However, after a few dramatic first weeks he actually befriended the two beasts. They were the kind of people that even though you could never expect to do the dishes by themselves, you could count on when it came down to things that actually mattered.

But still they were crazy.

That’s why Daichi wasn’t surprised at all when he woke up one day and instead of his lovely living room he found a fortress made of blankets, chairs and anything those two idiots had been able to find yesterday night.

First coffee. Then he would check if they were still alive.

It took him good five minutes to figure out the way into the fortress and another five to find them. As much as it was weird he had to admire that they actually built chambers inside and made it all look like a maze.

He found them in the last chamber near the window. They probably fell asleep watching the stars. Now they were snuggling together on the mountain of pillows.

Normally Daichi would have thought it was cute. But not today. He picked up one of Bokuto’s creepy owl photo pillows and slammed them both across their faces with it. They jumped up immediately, screaming and causing the chamber to collapse.

Both Bokuto and Kuroo grabbed pillows and started hitting Daichi. But because it was hard to see under the fallen blankets they hit themselves just as often. Daichi laughed at them and ran. They followed aggressively swinging their pillow.

The fortress crumbled.

A few minutes later they got tired of hitting each other and fell on the ruins to rest. That was when Kuroo noticed.

“Daichi. Why the hell did you destroy our fortess?!”

“Kuroo. We are friends now. We destroyed it together” Daichi claimed seriously.

“But why, Daichi? WHY? WHY?!” Bokuto whined.

Daichi understood. Normally he wouldn’t care about destroying the fortress. But today was the special day. That’s exactly what he needed them to see. Maybe even they would… help him clean the fortress up.

Oh, no. He started getting his hopes up again. He really needs to stop doing this to himself.

“So… Do you know what day of the week it is today?”

“Saturday?” Bokuto asked hopefully. “Do I get a sticker for the correct answer, Dadchi?”

Daichi sighed.

“No sticker for you, it’s Sunday. And actually minus one sticker for calling me ‘Dadchi’.”

“NOOOOOO!” Bokuto screamed in despair. “Daichi you can’t! I was so close to getting those gummy bears! I just needed two stickers, now I need three how could you do that to me? HOW COULD YOU?!”

“And do you remember what happens once every two weeks on Sunday?” Daichi ignored his whining completely.

“OMG Daichi is your mom coming to bring us food today?” there was unmistakable excitement in Kuroo’s voice.

“Yes, a sticker for you. And now we need to clean up the fortress because if she sees what two nutjobs you two really are she will make me move out.”

“Awww, c’mon, she loves us” Kuroo grinned like some kind of Behemoth.

Daichi’s mother lost faith in her son ever learning how to cook when he tried to warm up a soup when he was seventeen and he broke not only the stove and the microwave but even the spoon. That exact moment showed her that her oldest child is beyond any hope. She put a lot of effort into teaching him how to heat things up and now fortunately Daichi was generally able to do it without setting things on fire.

When Daichi’s mother found out he moved in with two people with skills only a little better than his own she knew they wouldn’t survive. Not without her help. That’s why she dropped by once every two weeks and filled their refrigerator with food. In return Kuroo and Bokuto made Daichi pay even smaller part of the rent and Daichi always would take his mother out for a cup of coffee.

Daichi’s mom was actually the only way to make Kuroo and Bokuto clean. Well, usually they just picked everything up and threw it into their bedrooms so at least the living room was habitable. Daichi really didn’t know how they lived in those piles of trash they called their rooms but he could live with that. As long as it didn’t stink it was okay.

“Maaan, I really wanted that sticker. Bro, I’m so jealous, you were wise and you chose the easier question.”

“I only chose this one because you took the hard one. I wouldn’t get the sticker without you, bro.”

“It’s so nice to be appreciated. You always make me feel so much better, Kuroo.”

“I’m always there for you.”

Daichi thought about hiding from the world under a blanket he was folding right now. It seemed like a pretty good idea.

“Bo?”

“Yes, Kuroo?”

“Tell me the truth. How much do you care about those gummy bears?”

Bokuto sighed loudly. Like really, really loudly. Neighbors-can-hear-you kind of loud.

“Very much, bro.”

“You know… If it means so much to you… I can give you three of my stickers so you can get them.”

“REALLY?! LIKE, REALLY?!”

“No gummy bears before breakfast!” Daichi yelled.

“Yes, Dadchi” they agreed in resigned unison.

They managed to annihilate the ruins of the fortress and grab a bowl of cereal for breakfast. They even had milk which was truly extraordinary. Last week they didn’t have any because Kuroo was secretly fixed on the idea of making a robot costume out of empty milk boxes and he was stealing the milk every time Daichi bought it.

On one hand he was happy that he finally had his milk. On the other hand and that really scared him, it meant that the robot costume was finished and Kuroo could emerge from the room wearing it any time now. It was very stressful. Now he was constantly expecting the appearance of this monstrosity that already took away his good breakfast and made him buy his coffee in the café for a week. And all this before it was even born. Who knew what it was capable of now.

When his mother finally arrived Bokuto was almost done with his gummy bears. It took him almost an hour to devour them all since he decided to pay attention to every single one of them and even named them. Daichi listened to him ranting about how Josephine was more juicy than Arnold and how Samantha was envious of Patricia’s color. And how gummy bears would be way better if they we gummy owls.

Daichi would even maybe enjoy listening to Bokuto but he was too stressed for it now. It was no secret he was scared of his mother. On the surface she was a very charming woman, kind and caring. A little bit too caring when it came to her oldest son.

She was really worried about his life and how according to her he was destroying it. She was actually quite proud of him in general, she never failed to mention to her friends that he was a handsome fireman. However, she always complained about everything else he did. How he couldn’t cook, how he should finally learn how to iron his shirts (yes, mom, he did. It’s not his fault that this one shirt always has wrinkles whatever he does). And his taste in music. And his clothing. And his hairstyle. Good thing he was done with school already because he didn’t know if he could survive another year of her going on and on about his marks.

She was surprisingly okay with the gay thing though. It was one of these out of the blue coming outs for him. He was seventeen, still figuring things out. He was doing ‘research’ on a particularly graphic internet website when she walked in. She made a weird face and closed the door. He was afraid to go out and confront her but he was hungry and the food was in the kitchen just like his mother. So he gathered all the courage he had and went there. He kind of avoided looking her in the eyes when he asked shyly if there was anything left from dinner. She sighed and helped him reheat it.

“You need to learn how to make some food on your own! You won’t be able to keep a boyfriend for long if you starve them all to death!”

That pretty much was it. For a second there he was really thankful and understood that she really loved him so he tried to be a good son for a few weeks. He went to a hairdresser, he let her choose his clothes no matter how weird they seemed to him and he really tried to cook. He set the stove on fire, burnt his hair and new clothes. He came to a conclusion that it was all pointless. He went back to square one with his mom. Well, except now she knew that he was gay.

A sudden phone call cut Bokuto’s monologue short.

“Daichi, I’m downstairs. Come, you boys will help me bring the stuff up.”

Kuroo and Bokuto were practically jumping down the stairs. They ran to her and hugged her as if she was their favorite person.

“MRS. SAWAMURA WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!”

“WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

“YOU ARE SO LATE! WE WERE SCARED THAT YOU DON’T WANT US ANYMORE!”

“SHUT UP, IT’S MY MOTHER NOT YOURS!” Daichi exploded.

“Daichi, don’t be jealous. And be nicer to your friends!” his mom lectured him.

It was like breathing for her.

“So how is the drama school going for you, Kuroo? Should I look for you when I’m watching TV or not yet?” she petted his bedhead.

“Not yet but I promise when I do I will be your favorite villain!”

“Of course you will be, honey! And how are you and your cognitive somethings, Bokuto?”

“AMAZING! I was drawing neurocognive maps this week, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE?!”

“You will show me upstairs. You, okay?” she finally asked Daichi.

Yes. It was pretty obvious who was her least favorite child here.

“Yeah. Pretty much okay, mom.”

“Uh” she sighed. “I hoped you would say you are not because that would explain this horrendous fashion choice but where did you get this shirt? You found it in a garbage bag?!”

“He’s wearing pyjamas!!!” Daichi pointed a finger to grinning Kuroo.”He’s wearing pyjamas and you still have problem with me?!”

“Those are very nice pyjamas, Daichi. Look at them, just lovely! All black with those barely visible cat patterns… The sad thing is that he is wearing pyjamas and still looks better than you. You are changing, boy, because there is no way I will have a coffee with you in public when you are wearing this thing. “

That was her final decision. They helped her bring all the food containers upstairs. Next thing he knew his mother was in living room and Bokuto was showing her his neuro-something drawings. Kuroo on the other hand was presenting all the types of villainous laughter that he’s been practicing for the last two weeks.

In the meantime Daichi was in his room trying to pick something to wear that would satisfy his mother. Normally she would let him live but today she made it very clear that she will wait until he looks acceptable. He dreaded of what on earth she had planned.

Why did she hate this shirt so much? He knew it wasn’t a very good shirt but it wasn’t so bad. It was her fault that he hated shopping so much that he ordered most of the stuff online, this shirt included. And maybe when it came he noticed that the size was a little bit odd and the pattern was kind of ugly comparing to the one in the picture but who really cares about this stuff. If it fits and it’s comfy it’s good enough for him. Right?

He hid the shirt in the deepest corner of the closet. 

He picked up another shirt, it was mainly black so he hoped it would satisfy her. He put it on and returned back to living room.

“Oh, Daichi!” his mother was actually stupefied. “How do you even…” she started but gave up. “Kuroo, darling, can you borrow my son one of your t-shirts?”

And that was how Daichi ended up on a coffee with his mother in Kuroo’s clothes. To his horror she decided to go to a new café. Normally they would go to the coffee shop near the apartment, people who worked there already knew him and his story so it made the embarrassment slightly more bearable. But no. Today she dragged him all the way to the coffee shop near the university where Bokuto studied.

“You look in all the wrong places, that’s why you can’t find a boyfriend. There will be a lot of people your age there, sure we will find you a handsome young man!”

He prayed to god that they wouldn’t.

The place was fancy. Well, as fancy as a coffee shop for poor university students can get. It had a weird logo, a mountain turning into a bird. Really weird. But it certainly didn’t stop his mother from entering.

Her eyes scanned the room like a predator looking for its pray. Of course she had to choose the most handsome guy here. Of course she had to choose a guy who worked here. Now Daichi will never be able come back. Fantastic. Just fantastic. And just when Bokuto told him that their pie was divine. At least today he would be able to try it. Maybe from time to time Bokuto will bring him some…

His mother approached the counter. The cashier was really pretty. Caramel eyes, perfect skin, tall, that nose, that mouth, THAT FACE. Way out of his league, especially now, since he came to a coffee shop with a mom as his wingman. The guy was now talking to two girls, obviously flirting, making them both blush and giggle. They ordered some crazy expensive double everything coffees just because he recommended it as his favorite.

Yeah, so maybe out of his league but also not his type. Daichi’s perfect boyfriend would be far above this salesman shit. He would be kind, warm, caring, sincere…

“One caramel latte, one americano and preferably your number for my awkward son.”

WHAT THE HELL? Could she be more straightforward?!

“Mom, stop, he’s not even gay!”

“Shut up, son, my gaydar is impeccable.”

The guy blinked a few times. He smiled like a ray of sunshine.

“Then just look at him!” Daichi didn’t give up. “On what earth a guy like this would go out with a person who had to have his mother ask for his number.”

His mother facepalmed.

“God, Daichi, you are embarrassing yourself. And stop yelling.”

“It’s because…”

He started but suddenly the pretty boy cut in.

“Oi, momma’s boy, turn around, I need to check you out.”

He was so taken aback that he silently obeyed. He felt the guy’s judging eyes everywhere.

“Not my type but I think my roommate would be into that. Leave your number, I will set you up”.

He froze. WHAT THE HELL?! Seriously, what the hell?!

“Is your roommate crazy?” he asked before he could think about how extremely inappropriate and stupid that question was.

After all it would be his first date in months. If not years. Why did he have to screw it all up just now?

Pretty boy crooked his head and bit his lip. He looked really adorable. Daichi kind of hated him for that. 

“Just a little bit weird but in a lovely way. And he’s really cute. Like really. Almost as cute as me.”

“Really?” he’s mother got curious. “Can you show me a photo?”

“Sure”.

He showed it only to his mother.

“You’re right. Very pretty.”

Daichi tried to see but they both pushed him away.

“You will see him when he agrees to meet you” the pretty boy announced. “Now, your number.”

He actually thought about giving him the fake one because as much as he wanted a date, he wanted to escape this situation really, really badly. But Daichi gave him the real one since he kind of expected what was coming next.

“I will give you mine too, sweetheart. You can text me if he tries to ignore you. Or about your boyfriend trouble.”

This time the pretty boy actually blushed.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Mrs….?”

“Sawamura. But you can call me Kyouko. And don’t worry about the boyfriend thing. They are just not good enough for you, you have to wait for someone special.”

“I… oh, no, more girls. I mean, I don’t want more girls. Or a girl. But they just entered the shop so I should... You just sit I will get you your coffee.”

They sat by the window.

“See? You weirded him out! Now he won’t get me a date!” Daichi accused his mother.

“He’s such a sweet thing, just didn’t want to talk about it in front of you and with this other boy eavesdropping. It’s amazing he even agreed to let you take his roommate out with this attitude of yours.”

“I just don’t understand… I don’t have a boyfriend and according to you I’m a failure, he doesn’t have a boyfriend and you assume he’s waiting for someone special? Why mother? Why? Why do you always treat me this way?”

“Oh, my god, Daichi you have deduction skills of a rock. Didn’t you see how the other barista, the one that is making muffins, was looking at him? So in love. And a very handsome man, I have to add. I even thought they are together for a minute but… Well. And if he can turn down such adoration it clearly means he has really high standards” she explained thoroughly.

Okay. She was good. He kind of hoped that every time she was mean to him she had such a good reason.

It wasn’t the pretty boy who brought them coffee, it was the guy in love with him. He also had muffins, one for each of them.

“They are from Oikawa” he said. “Enjoy.”

He wanted to go but Daichi’s mother stopped him.

“Boy, wait. Let’s talk about you. I hope you didn’t start working here just to get closer to him? ‘Cause it’s not gonna work out.”

“Oh. Actually. He came here. Because we’re friends. I just simply admire the way he does everything.”

Woah. Now Daichi kind of admired this devotion. He hoped that one day he would love someone like this. With all his heart.

“Honey” his mother was moved too. “He won’t fall in love with you like this. But maybe we will work it out somehow. Tell me a little about yourself. What’s your name?”

“Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

“You study here at university?”

“Yes. Agriculture.”

“And what do you like to do, Wakatoshi-kun?”

“I like to watch things grow. That’s why I bake. I like watching the muffins grow.”

 


	2. In which life is empty and the whole fandom gasps in disbelief.

Sugawara has only walked in his apartment when he heard Oikawa crying. He sighed. He knew the reason right away. No man could ever make Oikawa cry like alien movies did.

He was tempted to leave and sleep somewhere else tonight but the inner mother in himself forced him to stay. So he took off his shoes and entered The Nerd Planet as he often called Oikawa’s room.

Oikawa got some grant this semester for whatever thesis he wrote about facial masks and used all of it to paint all the walls and the ceiling like space. He even got a huge galaxy carpet to go with it. And of course the alien sheets. And a huge Death Star lamp. Among the other things. He even special ordered extra-large chair from children section just because it had glow in the dark moon pattern. The stars on the walls were also glowing at night. Or when Oikawa closed the curtains to have alien movie marathons like for example right now.

He found Oikawa in front of the laptop, watching the movie he immediately recognized because Oikawa had to watch it at least twice a month. Suga knew the answer but he still asked.

“What happened, sweetie?”

Suga sat next to him and hugged him tightly.

“E.T. wants to go home, Suga!” Oikawa sobbed.

Immediately Suga knew that he won’t be able to rest tonight either.

They finished E.T. together and then drank hot chocolate. Surprisingly Oikawa didn’t insist  on watching more alien movies together which made Suga uncomfortable. It meant only one thing. Oikawa wanted to tell him something serious. The problem was that serious talks with Oikawa meant either that it was serious and he would tell him via text because he was scared of facing him like the time Oikawa destroyed their bathroom mirror with his hair products. Or it was really, really serious and then Oikawa had to be drunk for those talks.

“Suga-chan, let’s have pyjama party tonight!” he proposed with a very Oikawa-like smile.

“I had a really long shift today, can’t we just snuggle under a blanket and watch something?”

“Oh, Suga-chan! It will be fun! Just the two of us! I have new facial masks to test and I already picked up some Polish flavored vodka from the store on my way home. Please, please, please!”

Oikawa made the puppy eyes and Suga knew that he lost.

**An hour later**

Oikawa and Suga were dancing and singing in front of the laptop in their pyjamas.

“I’m a Barbie girl!”

“In a Barbie world!”

“Life in plastic!”

“It’s fantastic!”

It actually terrified them how well practiced their moves and singing were. Well, it terrified Suga, ‘cause Oikawa was so gay that he didn’t really care. Suga poured himself another shot. And then hugged his best friend with love because suddenly he looked so cute trying to walk around like a Barbie girl. They danced together again until…

“You can brush my hair! OH NO!!!!!!!”

Oikawa touched his hair and them looked at Suga’s face with despair.

“I have your facial mask in my hair! Oh no! What if I go bald? I can’t go bald I’m too beautiful to go bald!”

So they washed half of his hair. He looked funny like that with left side still wavy from all the hair products and right side all flat. He stayed like this until the morning.

**An hour later**

“So, Suga-chan, get this. So I was on my computer yesterday. I open a folder with memes to look at alien memes. And.”

“And?”

Oikawa drank another shot of vodka and then half of the juice they had left.

“And there was a folder named ‘life’. I clicked on it and you know what it said? ‘This folder is empty’.”

Suga started laughing so hard he fell from the cough on the floor and started rolling on in, still giggling. He rolled under the table and accidentally hit it. Vodka bottle that was standing on the table fell on the floor.

At first Suga was terrified because it fell and they decided not to close it again somewhen around Katy Perry’s E.T. because Oikawa got really excited about that song. But then he realized that the bottle was empty so he got even more terrified and then extremely sad.

“Tooru. We don’t have any more vodka.”

“Don’t worry. I bought two.”

He was a precious roommate.

**Half an hour later**

They were singing and dancing to alien version of “I will survive”.

Oikawa insisted that they play video over and over again like ten times.

**An hour later**

“Let’s go out to eat mapo tofu!” Suga proposed with a very serious face.

“Koushi-chan! Are you sure? It’s dark outside!”

“Tooru. I want tofu…”

“Let’s go!”

As expected, since it was after midnight, the tofu place was closed. And 7-Eleven was out of the milk bread. So they bought popsicles and laid down on the grass in a nearby park because Oikawa insisted on looking at the stars.

They were almost done with the popsicles when Oikawa finally decided to  talk.

“So… Suga-chan I have something to tell you.”

“I know, sweetie. That’s why we were drinking all night.”

“But you will be mad.”

“Maybe. But remember that no matter what I will always love you.”

It was stronger than Oikawa. Especially the drunk Oikawa. He started singing.

“And Iiiiiii will always looooove you!”

“Stop. Or the police will come like the last time.”

“Okay. So…”

“So?”

“Remember when you asked how much did making my room cool cost? And I told you that my whole grand and you were mad because that was a lot and grands are  supposed to be spent on studies?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Actually it cost even more than that. So I needed a job…”

Suga suddenly sat up and pierced Oikawa with a very fierce glare.

“You didn’t go home with one of these men that are offering you sweets, did you?”

“No, I didn’t I swear! I have a normal job. But well…”

“Say it” Suga demanded.

“Okay! I work at Shiratorizawa.”

Suga turned pale.

“But… What about your pride?”

“I had pride! But then all the coffee shops around were looking for someone who already had barista training and everything else seemed like actual work so… And when I got rejected again Ushiwaka was just standing there and was all like ‘You should have come to Shiratorizawa’ and before I knew I was like ‘What is the salary?’. It’s just for a month or two until I get enough money for the walls. And for the stuff for the project that grant was supposed to buy.”

“I told you grants were for studies.”

“Yes. I know. But my room is so pretty now.”

“Just please don’t tell me next that you are going out with Ushiwaka. Because if you will, I’m moving out, ‘cause I wouldn’t want to know you anymore.”

“Like I ever would!!! Bleh, how can you even say such scary stuff, Koushi-chan!”

Actually, Suga would never tell Oikawa that he was in fact kind of shipping this. It was kind of sweet that they met in high school, were on a team together and after all these years Ushijima still loved him. But Oikawa would never lower his standards no matter how sweet the guy was. The fact that things Suga considered sweet Oikawa called ‘stalker crap’ didn’t help.

Oikawa’s standards were so high that he rarely, really rarely went out on dates. It was sad. He was so pretty and cute. Even the alien thing was cute. He should date more. Suga decided to work harder on looking for a handsome space nerd for him. With muscles. Oikawa liked handsome, strong men. And he liked aliens. Maybe Oikawa should just find a strong alien? But where?

Oh, there they were on the grass again. Cuddling. He was really drunk. He got into this mood when he was nice to everyone, even Ushiwaka. Damn’ Polish vodka.

“Koushi-chan… There is one more thing.”

“You can tell me anything, Tooru-chan.”

“So I noticed that you haven’t gone on a date in a while so I found you a boy.”

Tooru what? Oh, Tooru thought the same thing! That’s a true friendship. Tooru found him a boy so starting tomorrow he has to work really hard on finding a perfect alien for Tooru.

“Tooru, you are so nice. I love you so much!”

“I know. He had really nice tights and arms. He came to Shiratorizawa with his mom so seemed like your type.”


	3. In which Daichi is not in a calendar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> Thanks for reading and leaving all the kudos and comments! (*^▽^*)  
> For this chapter I actually had to do some research about... emojis. I hope it payed off. It certainly is showing in the way I'm texting now.  
> (The Date is slowly approaching, by the way! )  
> Enjoy! ˚✧₊⁎( ˘ω˘ )⁎⁺˳✧༚

Monday was hard for Daichi. He had an early shift. It was a lazy one, no emergencies. It was nice change after a weekend in his apartment. He just hung out with the guys and worked out a little in the fire station’s gym. Until he got a really disturbing text.

**Unknown number** : Yahoo, momma’s boy! ｡◕‿‿◕｡

**Daichi** : Please, don’t call me that. It’s Daichi.

**Unknown number** : I know, you mom already told me that (¬‿¬)

**Daichi** : Are you texting my mother?

**Pretty Boy** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Daichi** : Srsly man what the hell with all those emojis?

**Pretty Boy** : YOU HAVE STH AGAINST MY EMOJIS?! (◣_◢)

**Pretty Boy** : ༼ง=ಠ益ಠ=༽ง

**Pretty Boy** : Forget it. Your mom is awesome but I’m not letting you buy my best friend a dinner. I don’t tolerate emoji haters. You should all die.

**Pretty Boy** : ̿ ̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=(•_•)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿

**Pretty Boy** : I will just kill you. I wanted to torture you by making you fall for Suga and then make him break your heart but he didn’t agree. Well, goodbye, momma boy. (^o^)/

**Pretty Boy** : ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿’̿’̵͇̿̿з=༼ ▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿̿▀̿ ̿ ༽

Daichi looked at this conversation. And he wondered if he really wants to go out with this person’s best friend. But well. He was pretty desperate. Just one date. If the guy is a nightmare like this one he will just run away. But there was a good chance that he was okay. After all he just said he won’t help the Pretty Boy torture him and his mom said he was very pretty.

He had to fix it asap. Or he would lose the opportunity to meet this person.

**Daichi** : Wait. I didn’t say that I don’t like them!

**Daichi** : I just noticed you use them a lot.

**Daichi** : They are quite nice actually. I’m sorry I offended you, however it was not my intention.

**Daichi** : Here. I am giving you an apologetic flower.

**Daichi** : (✿´‿`)

**Pretty Boy** : Thank you (◕‿◕✿)

**Pretty Boy** : So Suga is free tomorrow night. Feel free to take him out on a nice date.

Shit. Why it always has to be like that.

**Daichi** : Sorry, I have work tomorrow night. Can I take him out some other day?

**Pretty Boy** : Actually, where do you work? Because there is no way I’m giving Suga to some lowlife rat.

**Daichi** : Firefighter.

**Pretty Boy** : Hahaha Suga’s blushing ( ≧ Д ≦) (✿☯.☯) (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

**Pretty Boy** : Hahaha I really got Suga a hot firefighter

**Pretty Boy** : Now he will owe me a life debt (~˘▾˘)~

**Pretty Boy** : Are you in a calendar?

**Daichi** : No

**Pretty Boy** : ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡

**Kuroo** : Dadchi I just found out Bokuto uses my laugh as a ringtone! That’s so cool! Anyway, it sounds awesome you should change your ringtone too

He decided that he would ignore Kuroo for now. His date was far more important. But the idea wasn’t bad. It would be a nice alarm too.

And then he thought about his date and what a terrible first impression it would be and decided that it wasn’t good idea at all.

But if the date went bad then maybe…

**Pretty Boy** : Suga-chan is free on Friday night. But don’t get funny ideas about Saturday breakfast. I want him back by midnight. (ლ `Д ́)ლ

**Daichi** : Okay, okay. I will walk him back.

**Pretty Boy** : (ര⸏ुര)

**Pretty Boy** : Your mom just told me you are a failure so I need to help you

**Pretty Boy** : lol

**Pretty Boy** : I’m still not sure a worthy tho

**Pretty Boy** : (ʃ⌣́,⌣́ƪ)

**Pretty Boy** : Make me sure

**Pretty Boy:** Advertise yourself, momma’s boy

“Oh my god, this man is crazy” said Daichi aloud.

“Who?” asked Tanaka who was sitting nearby.

“Just this guy… But he has a hot roommate so I’m trying to get him to set us up. But he’s crazy. He just told me I have to prove myself worthy and advertise myself. Seriously what the hell…”

“ Tell him that you are a hot fireman who rescues animals. It works on chicks.”  Tanaka advised wisely. “And add that you can run. That means that they can use you to run to a store at night and buy whatever they want. Makes you valuable.”

“Good point.”

**Daichi** : I’m a hot fireman who rescues animals. I can run far and fast. Like in the middle of the night to nearest store for chocolate. Or whatever Suga would want.

**Pretty Boy** : What do you think about the aliens?

“Now he asks what I think about the aliens.”

“Since his crazy he probably likes them. Say something. But not offensive. It has to seem like your real feelings. Make it complex it will seem more authentic. Like at least three sentences.”

**Daichi** : They are cool. The green ones. Others are just okay.

**Pretty Boy** : WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE JUST OKAY

**Pretty Boy** : E.T. IS JUST OKAY FOR YOU?!

**Pretty Boy** : No Suga for you asshole!

**Pretty Boy** : (ﾟo´(┗┐ヽ(╰,╯ )ﾉ

„What the hell is this emoji?”

Tanaka focused.

“He just kicked you in the face. Does it hurt, bro?”

“Only on my soul.”

“Let’s call Noya, he will help us.” Tanaka breathed in and then yelled as loud as he could. “YUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!”

“RYYYUUUUUUU!”

“COOOOMEEE HEEEERREEEEE!”

“OOOOOKAAAAAYYYY!”

Soon they were sitting all together on a bench trying to figure out what to do.

“Duuude” Noya was offended. “How could you say that E.T. is just okay? He is adorable!”

“Just say you’re sorry and blame it all on someone else” said Tanaka. “Like I don’t know, Asahi was scared again and he tried to calm himself down by repeating ‘I’m okay’ and you just kind of typed it. And add that E.T. is cute.”

Daichi looked at his phone.

**Pretty Boy** : I already told your mom that I don’t like ☞￣ᴥ￣☞ you.

**Pretty Boy** : She says she won’t bring you any dessert next week and your friends will get two big owl/cat cakes and she will put strawberries inside so you can’t eat it even if you will steal it WTF

**Pretty Boy** : Hahaha you have strawberry allergy lame (‘▿’ʃʃ

**Pretty Boy** : ٩̋(๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)

**Daichi** : Sorry. I think E.T. is really cute. I just phrased it all wrong. It was my friend’s fault. He saw a spider an TV and got really scared so was repeating I’m okay and I accidentally wrote it. I didn’t mean it. All the aliens are awesome. But I just observe that generally the green ones tend to be the most awesome. But It’s just a tendency. Like E.T. is an exception. He is amazing.

**Pretty Boy** : I still want to poison you with a strawberry milkshake and watch you die.

**Pretty Boy** : But Suga tells me that you are his date not mine so you don’t have to love aliens

**Pretty Boy** : But

**Pretty Boy** : One more bad or just not very positive world about aliens and you’re out

**Pretty Boy** : ♪(ﾟ▽^*)ﾉ⌒☆

**Pretty Boy** : So Suga is not expecting anything big. But he deserved something big so I’m counting on you (*^-°)v

**Pretty Boy** : But not too big. Only creeps and no-lives go really big on first date.

“Whoa, he types so fast!” Noya was impressed. “I need to learn how to type this fast!”

“We can train together, Yuu.”

“Sure thing, Ryuu.

**Daichi** : So… how expensive the dinner should be then?

**Pretty Boy** : At least twice as expensive as student meal

**Pretty Boy** : Suga likes spicy food. Sechuan restaurant would be good. But not the one next to university we eat there every week.

**Pretty Boy** : And choose some good bakery for a dessert. He likes sweets too.

**Pretty Boy** : Buy him flowers. But not mainstream one’s. If you get him roses I will put strawberry in your coffee. !!( ･_･)r鹵~<巛巛巛(x_x)

**Daichi** : Okay, no roses.

**Pretty Boy** : And Suga is awesome but he’s a lady so don’t propose until like ten date. Before that you won’t get my blessing ( ° ᴗ°)~ð (/❛o❛\\)

**Pretty Boy** : And if you think Suga will say yes without it you’re stupid

**Daichi** : I won’t propose on the first date.

**Pretty Boy** : Who knows your mom says not to trust you.

**Pretty Boy** : (✿◕ ‿◕ฺ)ノ))。₀: *゜

**Pretty Boy** : But don’t tell Suga you gave me flowers first, he’ll get jelly

“You gave him flowers?!” asked Noya. “You gave this crazy dude flowers?!”

“JUST EMOJI ONES!”

Suddenly the door opened. It was Tsukishima.

“Ms. Shimizu called that her granma’s cat climbed on the tree again and can’t get down. You should go there.”

“YEEEEEESSSSSSSS! SHIMIZU I WILL SAVE YOU!!!!” Tanaka ran to the car.

**Daichi** : Sorry, I need to save a cat.

**Pretty Boy** : Go, do your hot fireman thing

**Pretty Boy** : .:*･✿ ✿.｡.:*･ヾ(Ő‿Ő✿)

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. In which Daichi dreams of a perfect household without strawberries.

Daichi took his date really seriously. He did research. He found a good Sechuan restaurant that was expensive but not very expensive. He went there once this week and it proved to be good. Too spicy for him but Suga should be happy if Pretty Boy wasn’t lying. He didn’t actually trust the Pretty Boy but the part about Suga’s taste seemed true.

He looked for bakeries near the restaurant and used Kuroo and Bokuto as testers. They went to all of them and seemed very happy about it. Especially since Daichi was refunding half of the costs and giving them a sticker each for every place they checked. After a long and heated discussion that lasted from Wednesday evening to Thursday morning they approved of a few. Daichi decided to make his final decision later depending on what Suga would be like.

The longer he thought about his life the better he understood that this date was a chance. He analyzed all the dates in his life and what a failure his love life was (shut up, mother). And now that he was living with Kuroo and Bokuto his chances of a date, let alone relationship were close to zero.

Thousands of things about his life could make a boyfriend, especially a hot boyfriend out of his league like Suga, break up with him.

He could already imagine it. He and this Suga waking up in the middle of the night  because Bokuto came to his room and was now crying because he was hungry.

Or him and Suga sleeping. And suddenly both Kuroo and Bokuto come in and try to join them in Daichi’s bed because one of them had a nightmare, told the other one about it and now they were both too scared to sleep alone.

Kuroo with full cat make up. (Actually, after first shock he had to admit it looked surprisingly good).

Daichi and this Suga making out on the couch when Kuroo comes out of his room wearing a milk robot costume.

Bokuto watching a documentary about owls with a creepy face.

Bokuto’s underwear.

So to minimize the risk he had to make Suga like him as much as possible on the first date. So there would be the second and then the third and maybe when he would finally bring Suga back to his apartment Suga would like him enough to ignore those two insects.

Also he was a little hopeful. After all it was the only date Daichi had this year. His only chance.

Next thing were the flowers. All his friends were saying that he shouldn’t bring flowers on a first date but Pretty Boy demanded flowers and he knew better. He looked like a person who went on dates regularly. His mother refused to help. Bokuto advised getting a box of chocolates instead. Kuroo suggested a big ribbon. Really big one so Daichi can wrap it around himself or at least his tights and announce ‘I am the present!’.

So Daichi googled. And googled. And in the depths of Google search he found flowers. Since he didn’t really know what Suga looked like he couldn’t go with “you’re beautiful flowers”, it would be awkward. In fact, he didn’t know Suga at all and most of the flowers were a no-go for that exact reason. Finally he decided that he would go with two types. First, he chose iris because there was something about hope in the description. The other one was white lily. He was really excited about this date and it meant “it is heavenly to be with you”. He called the flower shop to have it done by Friday night. He also had back up flower shop in case the first one screwed up.

Just one more thing was left to do. And as much as he didn’t want to do it, he understood the need.

“Kuroo… Could you… maybe… help me dress up for my date? Preferably… in your clothes?”

Kuroo laughed. Very hard. And then texted his mother.

All three of them ended up shopping for outfits that would be enough for at least five dates. Nice to know that he wasn’t the only one who was optimistic. He even convinced Kuroo that not all of the clothes should have cats on them. It was a great victory that he never expected so miracles were truly happening this week.

By Friday he had it all worked out. It was going to be perfect. He was finally going to have a boyfriend.

The only thing that could ruin his plan could be Suga himself. He hoped that in reality he was just like in his head: sweet, caring and cute.

Well. One more person could destroy everything. Pretty Boy. During this week he’s been using Daichi in various ways. That’s why he got really scared when suddenly he got a message from him just an hour before the date.

**Pretty Boy** : Yahoo, momma’s boy!

**Daichi** : Is everything alright? Is Suga okay?

**Pretty Boy** : Yes, I’m getting him all pretty right now!

**Pretty Boy** : **⁺** **✧** **.(˃̶** **ॣ** **⌣** **ॣ** **˂̶** **∗** **̀)ɞ** **⁾**

**Daichi** : So… why are texting me?

**Pretty Boy** : Because you see I want you to make a good first impression right?

**Pretty Boy** : An impression that will make Suga squeal and think you’re really hot

**Pretty Boy** : Actually Suga wont squeal kinda not his thing but u get what I mean

**Pretty Boy** : Like I said he’s an elegant lady ✿*,(*´◕ω◕`*)+✿.*  so no squeal

**Pretty Boy** : So anyway I have some boxes downstairs and no elevator so you will show your manly strength by bringing them up. No need to thank me

**Pretty Boy** : (๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)

Daichi knew that he was being used again. But hopefully tonight he would get Suga’s number and won’t have to deal with this shit anymore.

**Daichi** : Can I give Suga flowers first?

**Pretty Boy** : Okay, you can. But no flirting before the boxes are up! Σ(▼□▼メ)

**Pretty Boy** : Fine, you can say like one nice thing. But no more! I need these boxes asap.

Fifty minutes later he was in front of the Pretty Boy’s building. It was so close that he could just walk there. He saw the boxes downstairs and they were big and slightly creepy. If he knew they were that many he would have brought Kuroo and Bokuto to help. 

No, he would have not. No way Suga was seeing them this early into the relationship.

Oh, he’s doing this again. He needed to stay focused. Daichi, Suga is not your boyfriend. You haven’t even met him yet. And even after that he will only be your boyfriend after dates and talks. And the dates will happen only if you behave and he agrees to see you again.

It was going to be hard.

We went upstairs and knocked on the door. With every knock he felt his heart stop. This was so stressful. He was going to die.

“Suga-chan!!! Your date is here!!!”

Unfortunately it wasn’t Suga who opened the door. It was the Pretty Boy.

“Yahoo, Daichi-chan. Happy to see that I won’t have to tell you mother that you embarrassed yourself by being late or wearing something ugly. Good. Very good.”

But Daichi wasn’t looking at him. He was taken aback by the beauty of an angel that was standing next to him. He was just a little shorter than him which made his size perfect. He had ash blond hair that Daichi was dying to run his fingers through and lovely wide brown eyes Daichi could just gaze into forever. And pink lips he could kiss for hours. And…

“Hi” angel spoke. “I’m Suga, nice to meet you.”

He smiled like... Daichi couldn’t even find the right words. He just wanted this man to smile at him like that for the rest of his life.

Oh my god. He was in love and he didn’t even say ‘hello’.

He needed to fix it. And keep it together or else he will say ‘I love you’ before they even leave the apartment.

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you to. I’m Daichi. You are… You look amazing. Those are for you.”

He held out the flowers.

“Oh, thank you! They are beautiful. Give me a moment, I will put them in the water.”

Daichi’s eyes followed Suga to the kitchen.

“Duuude” Pretty Boy interrupted. “Stop staring at him when he’s not even in the room, it’s creepy. You had your one compliment, now go bring my boxes! Suga-chan! I’m borrowing your boy toy!”

“Sure, Tooru!” Daichi heard from the other room. “Oh, wait!”

Suga came back. And he was beautiful.

“Give me your jacket, I don’t want you to get it dirty because of Tooru and it will be more comfortable.”

The angel was wise. And Daichi was pretty sure Suga could ask for his kidney now and he would give it to him no questions asked.

The boxes were heavy. And weird. They look suspiciously similar to those from the meth labs from series Kuroo and Bokuto were watching on Thursdays. But he decided that he didn’t care because he could feel Suga’s eyes tracing his muscles.

But of course an accident had to occur. One of the boxes was wet with liquid that wasn’t water but some weird thing with even weirder color and smell. It was a little bit pink, a little bit blue and.. Yeah. It left a really big stain.

“Oh, your shirt! Tooru! You told me there was no weird stuff inside!”

“Well… For me it’s not that weird you know…”

“Good thing we are wearing almost the same size… I will borrow you something Daichi.”

Soon Daichi was dressed in Suga’s light blue shirt. It was a little bit tight for his taste but Pretty Boy whistled so maybe it was okay.

The shirt had an angelic, Suga-like smell. Very nice.

“Your mom approves of the shirt by the way” Pretty Boy said, typing on his phone with astonishing speed.

“I approve of you in my shirt too” said Suga smiling. “You can leave yours here, I will wash it and give it back to you.”

Daichi felt something big and warm growing in his chest. So Suga believed in a second date too? That’s good. That’s very good. Second date with Suga would be like a dream coming true.

“So… should we get going?”

The restaurant wasn’t really far so they walked. Suga was nice and funny. He was also flirty but not in the obvious way. He didn’t say smooth lines or cheesy pick-ups but from time to time he would drop a hint here and there. And as they were walking their hands would brush from time to time and Daichi could swear it wasn’t his doing. Every time it happened he blushed like a middle school girl.

Suga was happy about the restaurant. Suga was happy about Daichi. Daichi was extremely happy just because Suga was with him and now Suga was smiling at him so he was over the moon. The food was so spicy that he started crying. But he didn’t mind. He just tried to wipe it in the way that Suga wouldn’t notice.

They talked a little. Suga was a wonderful person. He worked at the animal clinic, mostly at the reception since he was still a student but he was planning on doing internship there soon. The clinic was connected to a shelter and Suga volunteered there on Wednesdays and Saturdays. He was caring and patient. Good with animals, good with children, good with plants, good with Daichi.

He was like a dream come true.

Just one thing was bothering Daichi. Why the hell was someone like Suga on a date with a guy who didn’t even had the courage to look for a boyfriend himself and needed help from his mother.

And then when they went to the bakery he said the most beautiful words, they were more than he had ever expected from another person.

“I don’t really like strawberries. But the chocolate one is huge so maybe you would like to share?”

“Of course.”

They sat together in the corner and then Daichi decided. He was going to marry Suga. Oikawa (Suga told him that was his roommate’s name) was right. He wanted to propose as soon as possible. Would Suga say ‘yes’ if he did it on the tenth date? He was getting a feeling that it was a little bit soon but he didn’t really care.

Together they would create a perfect household without strawberries.

Would Suga prefer a cat or a dog?

Oh no, he asked aloud.

“Hm… I like both. And I could have both if I would find the right person to have them with.”

Daichi was now digging his own grave.

“Big dog or a smaller one?”

“Oh, it depends. Big dogs are strong, so I would need a strong partner to be able to walk our pet.”

Suga was ogling his arms. Daichi was sweating. He cleared his throat.

“You know, as a firefighter I have to work out a lot so you could say I am pretty strong.”

‘Shit, was that to forward?! It was!!! What the hell am I doing! I screwed up! Oh my god, my dream, my angel Suga and our house…’ he thought with dread.

“I will keep it in mind. Your arms can also come in handy on other occasions…”

Suga was sitting too close. Daichi wanted to kiss him too much now. And he would but Suga chose this moment to feed him with cake.

“It’s very tasty, isn’t it?”

“Wait, Suga. What occasions?”

Suga just smirked and Daichi felt his cheeks burn.

After the cake was finished they took the longer route back to Suga’s apartment. It was almost midnight when they finally got there. It was the best date of his life and Daichi really didn’t want to end it. Unfortunately Suga did.

“I had a really nice time tonight, Daichi-san.”

“Please, just Daichi. Suga, maybe…” he was blushing very hard. “Maybe I could take you out again?”

“I wouldn’t mind. Next time we can go to a restaurant that won’t make you cry.”

“I hoped you didn’t notice. We don’t have to change I know that you like spicy food.”

“It’s fine, Daichi. I like some other things too after all. Like you for example.”

Suga said those beautiful words and kissed his cheek. Daichi felt his soul leaving his body. It was over. Suga just killed him.

“Bye, Daichi” Suga whispered into his ear and suddenly he was gone.

Suga was gone and Daichi was even more in love.

And he still didn’t have Suga’s phone number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> I have few announcements.  
> First of all, I have to go back to my university student life from Monday so I will have less time. That's why I will add new chapters less often, probably once a week on Saturday or Sunday. Sorry ;(  
> But don't worry, I have just few chapters left to finish so I definitely won't abandon this fic!
> 
> Secondly, my friend drew me a beautiful fanart for this fic! (Thanks, Chilli! <3 It's so awesome!) Unfortunately it's my first work on ao3 and I'm still figuring out how this works. Any of you know to add a picture to a chapter? When I click on insert/edit image it's asking me about the source and it doesn't mean my computer. Any advice? 
> 
> And of course thanks for reading and kudos!  
> ✧*｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*｡


	5. In which sacrifices have to be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

**DAICHI**

What was the meaning of all this?

Suga suggested another date. He was flirting. However, he did not leave his phone number.

Should he ask Oikawa? When should he ask Oikawa? Tomorrow? Or was it too soon?

What if Oikawa says no? He was kind of mean after all.

Shit, he hated depending on Oikawa. That man was just too weird.

He got back to his own apartment. As expected Kuroo and Bokuto were still up, playing Mario Cart on PS in the living room. What he did not expect was his mother playing with them.

“Bokuto, you need to pull yourself together, boy!”

“I’m trying but Kuroo is always pushing me of the road!”

“It’s what this game is all about. Oh, look. You DED.” Kuroo announced with a smug face.

“NOOO!!!! BROOOO!!! HOW COULD YOU?!”

Daichi closed the door. Maybe he would sleep somewhere else tonight. Like on a street. Yeah, street sounded good compared to this madhouse.

“Daichi, I saw you, come back inside!” his mother yelled.

Welp. Life was like a dream just an hour ago and now it turned back to the usual nightmare.

He came in just in time to see his mother win the race. She muted the game and turned to face him.

“So how was your date?”

“Wooooow, it’s not your shirt. Nice, man. I didn’t think you would do it on the first date. Nice.” Kuroo congratulated him with a truly honest smile on his face.

Daichi blushed.

“I didn’t! His roommate used me so I needed a clean shirt.”

Kuroo looked even more impressed.

“You did his roommate and still went on a date with him? Wow. I underestimated you, Dadchi. Sorry, I will now show you the respect you deserve.”

“Oh, my god, Kuroo, I did not! He just had a meth lab I needed to move and something weird spilled on my clothes so my date borrowed me his shirt! That’s all!”

“So where is your shirt?” Bokuto asked surprisingly wisely.

“At their place.”

Kuroo placed his hand over his heart.

“Bro, our Dadchi has a second date. I never thought I would live to this point. I’m getting feelings now so bad…”

“Me too, bro!” Bokuto was almost crying. “Our Dadchi! Second date!”

His mother interrupted in sharp tone.

“Do you really have a second date?”

“I.. maybe? He suggested but he didn’t give me his number…”

“Oh, Daichi… So you DON’T have a second date. It was really easy, Tooru told you exactly what to do, we dressed you up, how did you manage to screw it all up?”

Daichi’s heart stopped.

“But.. he kissed me on a cheek!”

“Just a cheek?” asked Kuroo. “That’s kinda bad, man.”

“But he told me he liked me!”

“So you wouldn’t be sad!” his mother explained. “Really Daichi…” she shook her head in disbelief. “How even are you so naïve…”

“Don’t worry, Dadchi. We will watch owl videos until dawn and you’ll feel better.”

He didn’t agree with them. He still hoped Suga would call. Or Pretty Boy would set up another date. He was too in love to lose faith just yet.

And then suddenly, in the middle of very serious Tekken battle with his mother, Pretty Boy sent him a message.

**Pretty Boy** : Definitely no more Suga for you.

He started crying. Bokuto and Kuroo hugged him. His mom made him cocoa. He cried even more.

 

**SUGA**

Suga entered the apartment. Oikawa managed to set the lab up, of course in their living room. He was standing there mixing some strange potion wearing a lab coat. Suga was really happy to see that Oikawa used this lab coat as it was his present for Oikawa’s last birthday. Suga has sewn small aliens all over it. K-Pop and scent of cosmetics filled the air. It was somehow familiar.

“What are you making, Tooru?”

“I ran out of the body balm. So how was your date, sugar?”

“It was wonderful, Tooru. Thank you for setting us up.”

He smiled at his best friend.

“Good. I knew that you would enjoy him. When do you go out again?”

“I was thinking that maybe I would ask him to go to the shelter tomorrow. We could go for a walk with the dogs together.”

“Whoa, Koushi-chan! Tommorow?! You can’t!”

“I like him and he likes me. So yes I can, Tooru.”

“No! You should wait at least five days to call him and even more to go out with him again and you want to show him something as personal as the shelter?!”

“You are not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do” Suga crossed his arms.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOUNG MAN?! March to your room! And I am taking your phone! And your laptop! So you can’t call him even on facebook!”

“But you set us up! I thought you were shipping us!”

“I am shipping you! That’s why I want to make you more desirable. I love you, Koushi.”

“I love you too, Tooru.”

They hugged each other tightly with K-Pop playing in the background.

“Tooru. I need to tell you something.”

“ Don’t, Koushi-chan. When you say you that you need to tell me something you always say mean things.”

“But you need to accept it.”

“No, I don’t.”

“ Tooru. You are shit at dating.”

Oikawa broke the hug with an offended gasp and stood there hands on his hips, all aggressive.

“I most certainly am not!”

“Tooru. You are. I’ve known you for four years now and all this time you didn’t have a boyfriend who got past the third date with you. And just one still wanted to go out with you after date two.“

“Shut up. Koushi-chan. You are mean.”

Suga patted his hair in a very motherly gesture.

“But I am shit at dating too. I don’t have his number or facebook so I need your help.”

“You’re kidding, right? You are the best date he will ever get and he didn’t give you his number? Did you show him your crazy side, Suga-chan?!”

“I told you it went well! Just so well that we forgot.”

“You are terrible. I will give you his number in five days, like it should be.”

“Tooru, actually it should be three days. But I want to call him tonight.”

“No.”

Suga knew what he had to do. But there was no way he was letting Daichi wait for five days.

“Tooru, you will give me this number. And if you don’t I will tell Ushiwaka that I caught you masturbating and moaning his name” he threatened.

Oikawa gasped.

“What?! You wouldn’t!”

“Oh. I would.” Suga stated like it was certain.

“But it’s not even true! You are so evil, Suga-chan!”

“You still don’t believe me? Fine.”

Suga took his phone out.

“No! Please, Suga-chan! Don’t! I’m not giving you the number because I love you so much! Don’t do this to me!”

Suga typed a message.

“Your last chance, Oikawa.”

“Please, Koushi! NO!!!!!”

Message was sent.

 

**USHIWAKA**

 

He was surprised to get a message from Sugawara Koushi after midnight.

**Sugawara Koushi** : I just walked in on Oikawa masturbating and moaning your name

He blinked few times. The message was still there. He crooked his head. Was it real?

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru** : THOSE ARE LIES USHIWAKA !!! DON’T BELIEVE WGAT SUGA SAYS

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru** : HES JUST MEAN AND I HATE HIM

He sighed. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. Tooru was far too beautiful and amazing to think about him at times like that.

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru** : SAY STH ASSHOLE

**Ushijima** : Dear Oikawa Tooru, you are a truly amazing person. I know that you are a thrustworthy person and you wouldn’t lie therefore I believe you.

**Ushijima** : I meant trustworthy.

**Ushijima** : I’m sorry.

He really hoped Oikawa would forgive him for this stupid spelling mistake.

 

**SUGA**

Oikawa was ignoring him. And he was reminding Suga about it very often. Now he was singing along with G-Dragon but his lyrics were quite different.

“I’m not talking! To Suga-chan! I hate him! He broke my heart!”

After half an hour of this Suga decided to speak.

“Oikawa, you know that I can send more messages, right? So give me Daichi’s number.”

Oikawa didn’t even look at him. When his body balm was ready he turned off the music and disappeared in his room for few minutes.

“I hid my phone in the depths of space, Suga. You will never find it.”

Suga waited until Oikawa turned on the shower and went straight to his room. Oikawa liked long showers so he had at least half an hour. But he didn’t need it. Of course depths of space meant Oikawa’s alien underwear drawer. He quickly copied Daichi’s number.

It was already after 1 am but then he thought about Daichi’s sincere smile when he was looking at Suga talking and figured out Daichi wouldn’t care.

He pushed the call button.

Daichi didn’t pick up at first which made him a little bit uneasy. Should he have not called?

“Hello?”

Daichi sounded odd. His voice was shaking a little bit and he seemed very nervous.

“Hi, it’s Suga. I hope you don’t mind that I’m calling you in the middle of the night…”

“No, of course not! You can call me whenever you want! It’s just…” Daichi stopped mid-sentence.

“Just what?”

“Just that your roommate said that you don’t want to see me anymore…”

He was going to kill Oikawa.

“Oh, Daichi don’t ever listen to what he says. He’s very… Well. Just don’t, okay? I like you and I want to get to know you better.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Daichi was so sweet and fragile. Suga felt the urge to wrap him in a blanket and make him a cocoa.

“Daichi, so I was thinking… Tomorrow I’m going to the shelter and maybe you would like to come with me? We could take the dogs for a walk.”

“I would love to. Suga?”

“Yes?”

“I’m really glad you called.”

“Me too. And whatever Tooru will text you don’t believe him for few days, okay?”

“Whatever you say.”


	6. In which Oikawa grows desperate. For cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa gets his own chapter.
> 
> FYI Kageyama is Oikawa’s little half-brother in this fic. They have different fathers not because I wanted to add drama but because I think it’s just weird to call Kageyama “Oikawa Tobio”. Just imagine Hinata yelling at him “Oi, Oikawa!”. Just nope. Kageyama is Kageyama.   
> There is little, very short and very slight Ushiwaka/Oikawa here, close to the end. It’s just for mine and yours fun but if triggers you so much that it will burn your eyes out better skip few paragraphs.
> 
> If you like it click on kudos! Kudos are great! ヾ（〃＾∇＾）ﾉ♪

Fighting with Suga always made Oikawa very sad.

And scared. Because both him and Suga knew each other too well and always ended up doing horrible stuff to each other when fighting.

To tell the truth he hoped Suga would come to his senses by the morning but he clearly didn’t. Not only did he not apologize. He actually told him he had another date. How could he betray their friendship like that.

He already knew about the date, Daichi’s mother texted him soon after she’d found out, but hearing it from Suga during breakfast was on a completely different level. And Suga just had to go further.

“And today I will show him my crazy side “ he announced.

“Sweetie, why are you insisting on killing this relationship so bad?”

“You don’t understand, Tooru. I will show him just a little bit and we’ll see. I think Daichi will be okay with this.”

“You know that the chances of this are smaller than the chances of finding another hot space nerd like me?”

“Oh, you underestimate yourself. You are one in a thousand trillion.”

“Suga, that’s more than all the people on earth.”

“I know. But I’m counting aliens too. Okay, I’m going to meet my future boyfriend, bye!”

If the looks could kill Oikawa would have wounded Suga really hard just now. But Suga left anyways.

Tooru sighed. Now Suga left him no choice. All the cruelty wasn’t really his fault. It was all Suga’s fault, just to be clear.

He sighed and turned Suga’s laptop on. He knew the password very well by now. He crunched on his chocolate cereal as the device was slowly coming back to life. Well, Suga deserved it. For ruining their friendship for a man.

He opened Suga’s favorite game. Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator. It was a game where as a hot dad you were going around and picking up other hot dads. Suga was focused on getting Anthony to date him for weeks at this point. Looks like they finally were, however taking things slowly. Oikawa entered the game and cheated on Anthony with Jeremy. And he made sure Anthony would see them together. Then he deleted all the previous saves so Suga couldn’t go back.

Now they were even. Kind of.

A small part of Oikawa was still feeling bad because without Suga in the apartment he had nothing to do. He also envied Suga that date a little. He knew well that he could basically have anyone but he didn’t want just ANYONE.

First, in middle school, he thought he had standards so he shouldn’t just go out with anyone. After that it was high school with Ushiwaka. He didn’t want to go out with Ushiwaka and even if Ushiwaka didn’t really ask he couldn’t bring himself to break Ushiwaka’s heart by dating someone at the same level. So he set very high standards for his dates. And those dates that actually were good didn’t like aliens so they had to go. Or rather Tooru would throw them out.

In the second year of university he understood that he had another important problem. Everybody was already experienced. Except of him. He just barely kissed a few times. But now he was just too embarrassed when his date was making a suggestion to move this up a little bit. That usually ended up with him either panicking and breaking it off immediately or him informing his date that he loved aliens and.. well.

So that brought him to this point. He was almost done with school, soon starting his truly adult life. And he was still a virgin, no boyfriend now or in the past. Possibly in the past.

Great Oikawa. A virgin. Great.

Suga knew. But no one else did.

It was hard. He was so popular he needed to make it seem like he’d had thousands of guys just for the sake of his reputation. He worked it out since popularity and being in the center of attention were kind of natural to him. But he was growing tired of pretending. Especially on days like this when Suga had a date.

He wanted a boyfriend too. It was just that he didn’t want any boyfriend, he wanted a perfect one.

But he’d waited so long…

Maybe he should just date Ushiwaka. He wasn’t so bad after all. Probably it wouldn’t be that bad. Much like having a personal servant. Of course he would have to kiss him sometimes but.. the sole thought of having sex with him made him nauseous.

He felt bad for Ushiwaka. So in love, for years, and without hope… So he turned on the Farming Simulator 17 and visited Ushiwaka’s farm to pet his cows.

Soon a message came like always.

**Ushiwaka** : Dear Oikawa Tooru, I am very grateful that you used your free time to pet my cows. You are truly amazing person with a very kind heart. Yours, Ushijima Wakatoshi.

It was actually a little bit cute that Ushiwaka wrote his messages like letters. Awkward but cute.

SHIT. HE REALLY NEEDED A BOYFRIEND.

He spent the next hour responding to messages he got since last night. There were many since he was so popular. He was wondering with whom he should have lunch today when another text came.

He still couldn’t believe that Tobio let him choose the nicknames in the chat.

**Little Annoying Brat** : Nii-san, can we meet for lunch? It’s important.

As much as he didn’t want to, he texted back.

**Fabulous Onii-san** : I have friends you know. Like a lot. Maybe I want to eat with them not with you >.<

**Little Annoying Brat** : But you would be of great help.

**Fabulous Onii-san** : Don’t care ;P

**Little Annoying Brat** : Tooru-nii, please.

**Fabulous Onii-san** : Still no ;P{

**Fabulous Onii-san** : Say the magical words and I will think about it ★~(◠△◕✿)

**Little Annoying Brat:** Fine.

**Little Annoying Brat:** Nii-san, I admire you. When I grow up I want to be like you however I can’t because my hair will never be as amazing as yours.

**Little Annoying Brat:** Can we meet now?

**Fabulous Onii-san:** Fine, in two hours the same restaurant as last time.

**Little Annoying Brat** : Can I come over now too? I wanted to ask you to show me a toss. I can’t figure it out.

**Fabulous Onii-san:** Why is everything milk and volleyball with you (;¬_¬)

**Little Annoying Brat** : Mom says that you were the same my age.

**Fabulous Onii-san:** I was nothing like you. I was pretty and popular. You’re gloomy and awkward.

**Fabulous Onii-san** : Okay, you can come. But bring your own volleyball.

Tobio-chan came running with his volleyball soon after. Tooru shrieked when he saw the state of his hair. This boy was a nightmare.

“Tobio, do you even wash this?! I know you do but with what?! Dish soap?! It so terrible!”

“Can we play volleyball?”

“No way. I’m buying you a proper shampoo first.”

He bought his little brother a bottle of proper, high quality shampoo and then showed him a few tosses that would guarantee his high school victory if Tobio would use them right. He even called Ushiwaka to come over for half an hour so they could practice with a spiker.

After that he took Tobio out for lunch. He really was a fabulous older brother.

“Nii-chan, high school is weird” Tobio announced, cutting through his chicken.

“Of course it’s weird. What did you think? It’s filled with crazy hormonal teenagers so it has to be crazy.”

“Actually, nii-san… I think I have friends. Or at least a friend.”

Tooru dropped the spoon into the bowl of soup in shock, spilling it around the table.

“You have a friend?!”

“I think so? The guy is really annoying. And noisy. Even more than you. And stupid. But we walk to school together and we train together, we eat lunch together and we spend weekends together… At first I thought he was a fungus because I couldn’t get rid of him. But he’s not so bad. I think now we are friends.”

“And this boy wants to spend his time with you?”

Oikawa was amazed. Amazed. His little Tobio. Had a friend. After almost sixteen years. Even in kindergarten he was so mean and bossy other kids didn’t like him. In primary school they were planning to assassinate him. And don’t even get Tooru started on Tobio’s middle school.

Tobio told him more about the team. That he surprisingly liked it. Oikawa insisted on checking his temperature.

After they finished, Tobio still wanted to talk about something so they came back to Tooru’s apartment. Tobio-chan was suspiciously nervous about this thing.

“Nii-san… I wanted to ask you in private. How do you know when you are going out with someone?”

Oh, no. No. He understood Suga, Suga was cute, he could find himself a boyfriend easily. But Tobio? Fifteen year old unpleasant hermit? Who was interested only in volleyball and milk? He had someone and beautiful Tooru didn’t?! HOW?!

“It’s pretty natural, Tobio-chan. Someone confesses, you go on a date, you kiss and decide to go out.”

Tooru really tried to keep it together.

“Because… So this guy that I told you about, my friend. We went out yesterday. Because he wanted to see that movie. And when we were walking back he kissed me.”

“You are such a dumbass. Of course it was a date!”

“It’s not me who is a dumbass” Tobio muttered.

“WHAT?!”

“Nothing. Just this guy, Hinata, is really stupid.”

“So why do you want to go out with him?!”

Tobio opened his eyes in horror.

“HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU A DEMON, NII-SAN?!”

“Unlike you and your boyfriend I’m pretty smart and you basically told me that you like him to my face!”

Tobio avoided his eyes.

“So what do I do?”

“Oh, nothing. He apparently is much better at that stuff than you are. And he kissed your scary and ugly face so he must really care.”

“But..”

“Listen to your brother. I’m much wiser than you are.”

“But shouldn’t I talk to him?”

“God, you are so stupid. Fine, Tobio-chan, be aggressive and kiss him next time you see him. Or you know what? Don’t even wait till Monday, maybe meet him tonight? That would solve everything.”

He said it with a huge dose of sarcasm but since Tobio was socially awkward he didn’t notice it. Instead he nodded and looked strangely obedient. Tooru rolled his eyes. God, Tobio was so stupid.

He opened his mouth to explain his little brother that he really shouldn’t go meet this guy tonight but Tobio distracted him.

“So how are you, Nii-san? Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Shut up, Tobio-chan! You know nothing!”

“So you are still not going out with Ushijima-san?”

“No, never!”

“Not with Suga? Suga is nice and pretty”

“Suga is my best friend! And he has a boyfriend!”

Tobio looked at him with a confusion.

“So you are really alone?”

“I told you to shut up! How did you grow up so disrespectful?!”

Suddenly Tobio looked very sad.

“I just hoped mom was wrong. Sorry.”

“Wait. What the hell did mom say?”

“She’s just really worried that you are one of these “divorce children” with commitment issues so she blames herself because if she stayed with your dad maybe you would have a boyfriend now.”

Tooru sighed.

“Tobio, it’s something different. And I am happy mom met your dad and they had you. You know, I like your dad better than mine. Tell mom I will get a boyfriend soon and I will even let her meet him.”

“You said it last year. And the year before.”

“SHUT UP, TOBIO-CHAN, IT’S NOT THAT EASY TO FIND WALKING PERFECTION THAT WOULD BE WORTHY OF ME!”

“Hinata isn’t perfect but I still like him. Maybe you should give someone a chance too.”

“Tobio-chan, you are an annoying piece of shit. And your hair is so ugly. I can’t look at you. Use that shampoo and moisturizer or I’m never helping you with volleyball again.”

“Will you come to my match next month?”

“After you confirm that the state of your hair is improving by sending me daily selfies you can ask me again. And don’t you dare buy a wig!”

When Tobio finally left he was alone again. And in even more desperate need for a boyfriend. He texted Daichi’s mom. She would help. After all she got her pathetic son a date with Suga which was an amazing accomplishment.

**Tooru** : Could you get me a boyfriend too?

**Mom2** : Of course, honey, we will find you someone as wonderful as you are.

**Mom2** : We’ll work on it next weekend, okay?

**Tooru** : Can’t you sooner? .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.

**Tooru** : I need a boyfriend asap

**Mom2** : Sorry, sugar. If you need someone right now, though, I would recommend going on a date with that nice boy who works with you. He’s handsome, you could probably do better but you could have him by tonight if you wanted.

**Tooru** : I don’t want him ๐·°(৹˃̵﹏˂̵৹)°·๐

**Mom2** : Buy a lot of chocolate, Tooru. Next week I will help you. But before that you can work by yourself. Try something you would never do.

Oh, great now he wanted a chocolate. No, maybe not chocolate. Chocolate cake.

He texted Ushiwaka asking if he had any.

**Ushiwaka** : You should have come to Shiratorizawa, I just finished a whole badge.

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru:** I don’t want to ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru** : I need it Ushiwaka-chan

**Ushiwaka** : I will be done with my shift in twenty minutes. I will bring you some. Just tell me where.

**Splendid Oikawa Tooru:** I will meet you in that park near Shiratorizawa with big tree. Don’t make me wait long.

**Ushiwaka** : I would never.

When Tooru arrived at the park, Ushiwaka was already waiting. That stupid fool must have left work early just to bring him the cake earlier. So stupid. Oikawa sat next to him.

“Hello, Oikawa.”

“Hi, Ushiwaka.”

“This is for you.”

He gave Tooru a box. Big box. It had a whole chocolate cake inside.

“Wow. This is big. Thanks.”

“Wait, Tooru. I made this for you after you called.”

Ushiwaka took out a gigantic dark chocolate muffin decorated beautifully with white chocolate stars.  Ushiwaka was too nice. Too thoughtful. Seriously. What the hell?

He didn’t even think about it. He just grabbed Ushijima by his collar and kissed him.

It took him less than ten seconds to understand how wrong that was. He jumped away, terrified.

“Sorry, Ushiwaka. I can’t. I thought I could but I can’t. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Tooru. At least you tried. I’m happy.”

“Really. God, you are crazy. I just kissed a crazy person. Bleh…”

Ushiwaka smiled.

“After five years my crush finally kissed me. And finally tried to accept me. It’s nice. Now I know that you and I won’t happen and I can move on.”

He was strangely wise for a stupid man.

“Wait. If you move on… you won’t bake for me anymore? God, what have I done?!”

“I will always bake for you, Oikawa Tooru. After all you will always be a special person for me. Now go home and eat your cake.”

“I hate you, Ushiwaka.”

Great. Now not only did he not have a boyfriend but he also lost his certain back up boyfriend. And even stupid Tobio had a boyfriend.

Now Tooru knew exactly what to do. He bought more sugar, stopping by Family Mart for a huge box of ice cream and some sweet alcohol to add to it. When he got home he prepared everything and did his crying make up. He turned on a really sappy Korean drama, covered himself with a blanket, surrounded by alien plushies, Ushiwaka’s cake, ice cream and alcohol. He cried just a little bit to create the right impression. Tears worked very well with his crying make up.

He took a selfie with his surrounding and sent it to Suga. Who was still on his date.

Now the only thing he had to do was wait.

Suga would come and mother him without a doubt.


	7. In which Bokuto screams.

Daichi used to think yesterday had been the best day of his life. He was proven wrong. Today was the best day of his life.

His mom stayed over and took his bed, but somehow he wasn’t forced to sleep on the couch. Bokuto offered to sleep with Kuroo so he could get his bed. It was so nice. Daichi gave him a sticker for that.

His mom dressed him up in the morning so Suga wouldn’t find out about his little fashion problem. She also made them scrambled eggs which was the best breakfast he’d had in months.

Could Suga cook? He forgot to ask last night.

He came to the shelter ten minutes early. Suga arrived five minutes before the time.

He smiled and as a welcome he kissed Daichi on a cheek, closer to the lips than the last time. It was a good sign, Daichi thought. They spent a few hours with the animals and had lunch after. Both dogs and Daichi loved Suga. Suga seemed more relaxed today and he was joking a lot.

And they started to ask each other more personal questions. Daichi was almost sure it meant something good. Well, until he heard some of the answers.

“So... which Hogwarts house would you be in?” Suga asked.

“Gryffindor for sure” Daichi answered. “And you?”

“And where do you think?” Suga asked with smirk on his face.

“Well, I would love to have you with me in Gryffindor and you would belong there… But you are really smart so maybe Ravenclaw would be more fitting.”

“Oh, Daichi… Actually… So you know, me and Oikawa, we are always taking all those online tests and about Hogwarts that we can find, and mine always show the same thing… Daichi…”

He held his hand across the table like he was about to confess something very important.

“I am the heir of Slytherin.”

“That’s not possible!” Daichi was shocked.

“Oh, it is. I’m also parselmouth, that’s why I really chose to be a vet.”

Daichi felt like this was getting dangerous. But he needed to know something.

“But… you don’t have a pet snake right?”

“Please, Oikawa would be so scared he would cry every day. I wouldn’t do that to him.”

“Actually I would prefer a dog. Not a snake. But if you really wanted a snake I would be okay with that. I mean, if I was your boyfriend” he said quickly.

‘Nice, Daichi’ he thought ‘Work hard and you won’t scare him away. You can live with Suga and his future snake. You won’t die.’

“Don’t worry, Daichi. I think a dog would be better for my future kids.”

“How many would you like?”

“Well, I would hope for at least two. I want three if my future husband won’t mind.”

“I’m sure he won’t. Three kids with you? It sounds wonderful.”

Suga smiled. They talked some more.

Daichi thought about a proper way to ask Suga to marry him.

But again, when they were just about to say goodbye and maybe he was hoping for a goodbye kiss, maybe, just maybe, Suga decided to say something terrifying.

“Daichi, I like you. But I’m sorry, I can’t go out with you anymore” he announced suddenly, sounding a little sad.

Daichi on the other hand was extremely sad. Suddenly he was drowning in sorrow and misery.

“But… Why…?”

Suga bit his lip, as if he was not sure whether he should tell him or not.

“Is it about the dog?”

Suga shook his head.

“Is it about the snake?”

Suga shook his head again.

“Oh no. Is it because of my clothes?”

This time Suga looked at him without any hint of understanding. Thank god. But why then…?

“Never mind. Wait. Suga, is it the Gryffindor thing?”

“Of course not. After all Slytherin and Gryffindor affairs are always the most… pleasurable ones.”

“So why?”

There was a short moment of silence and then…

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T WATCH _SUPERNATURAL_!” Suga burst out. “I used few quotes today and you didn’t even notice! So I know that you don’t! And I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand _Supernatural!_ ”

Oh. Daichi definitely did not see that coming. But it was good. He could still work it out. His hope had been restored.

“Suga!” he almost screamed, putting his hand over his heart as if he was going to swear an oath. “Give me a chance! I will watch it all!”

“All?” Suga took a step closer.

“YES!” Daichi confirmed solemnly.

“But you know there are 12 seasons? And each has around 20 episodes? Each episode more than 40 minutes?”

He took another step. Their faces were now really close.

“Suga. If this is important to you I will watch all of it. All 12 seasons. 12 times 20 episodes. 12 times 20 episodes more than 40 minutes each. All of over 9600 minutes if only it makes you happy.”

And that was it. Suga closed the distance between them by kissing Daichi. It was just a peck on the lips but it was enough for Daichi to lose his mind. He felt weak and like he was about to faint. And he felt happy. Incredibly happy.

But somehow Suga managed to make him even happier.

“Daichi, let’s go to your place and watch it together. And then don’t you dare watch it without me, we are watching ALL of it together.”

Daichi’s mind, however impaired now, did a quick math. 12 seasons, 240 episodes, over 9600 minutes… around 160 hours. Suga just told him he wants to spend 160 hours with him. Maybe that marriage proposal wasn’t a bad idea after all?

And suddenly he remembered that he had two weirdos in his apartment. They were supposed to go out but still… the apartment wasn’t safe.

“Maybe your place will be better? My flat mates are a little…”

“I live with Oikawa who I think declared war on me. It’s not safe there.”

That was a solid argument.

“Okay. Then let’s go to my place.”

 

**An hour and a half later**

They just finished the first episode.

“So? How did you like it?” Suga asked excitedly.

“I liked it a lot! Let’s watch another one!”

It was a lie. But a very smooth one. In fact, Daichi thought the show was weird, scary and creepy.

“So.. it’s about ghosts?” he asked tentatively.

“Yeah, well at the begging. Then they have angels, demons, pagan gods, Hindu gods, leviathans, God and other amazing things. But wait till we finish season 2. Before that the show was good but after it’s just mind blowing!”

Suga was so cute when he was all excited about corpses, demons and pagan gods. Daichi couldn’t help it and he kissed Suga.

This kiss lasted longer than the previous one but still was very chaste.

Suga smiled. Like an angel. And not the _Supernatural_ kind of one. A lovely kind.

“Suga, I really like you” Daichi confessed quietly.

“I really like you too, Daichi” he whispered back.

“W.. Would you be my boyfriend?”

Shit. He got carried away. Of course he’d had to get carried away! Was it too much? Of course it was. He should have never listened to his heart. His heart was making stupid decisions.

“Oh. You know that we just met yesterday, right? It’s a little soon.” Suga answered but it seemed he couldn’t help a little smile. “But feel free to ask me again when we get to season 2. I will probably say ‘yes’.”

Daichi felt a sudden urge to watch more episodes of this creepy show immediately.

“So let’s turn the next episode on” he said, this time sincerely.

 

**Two hours later**

The door to the apartment opened. Daichi sighed and paused the episode. Suga’s head was still resting on his arm when the two beasts that were probably worse than any creatures that weird-ass creepy show could provide entered the room.

“AAAAAAAA!!!!!!” Bokuto froze in place as soon as he entered the room and screamed in utter horror. “DAICHI IS GOING OUT WITH THE POPULAR BOY!”

Suga blinked, looking completely taken aback. Daichi couldn’t decide whether it was because of his roommate’s unusual behavior, the volume of his voice rising way above average or the travesty of a hairstyle on his head. Maybe all of them.

“Do I… know you?” Suga asked politely.

“AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Bokuto screamed again, strangely enough and ran out of the room, grabbing his spiky hair in a gesture that Daichi would consider overdramatic if it was done by anyone else. But it was Bokuto and you could say he was getting special treatment.

Kuroo appeared in the door in his place and looked at the TV. It took him just one glance to understand.

“Nice.” he announced, toeing off his sneakers and kicking them to the corner of the hallways like he always did. ”I like this show.”

“You like it?!” Suga’s voice was thick with excitement and he looked at Kuroo as if he just saw a cute little kitten. Daichi sort of understood. After all he also somehow fell under Kuroo’s charm when he’d first come to see the apartment. But it still made him feel unreasonably jealous.

“It’s awesome. The bag of dicks…”

“The lamp attack on King Of Hell….”

“Dean as hand maiden…”

“Following the honey bee!”

They went on for a few minutes and Daichi actually started feeling REALLY jealous. And even more weirded out by the show.

“And of course Lucifer becoming the rock star and the president of United States!” Kuroo exclaimed. “So, pretty boy, who would you kill, fuck and marry? Out of main characters.”

“Kill Sam because someone will probably resurrect him.”

“Wise choice.”

“Marry Cas because he is cute, accepting and will always love you.”

“And fuck?”

“Dean and Cas. Both at once.”

Kuroo nodded seriously.

“Nice. But you know that they would just ignore you, right? They have all these sexual tension building up for years… They would be all over each other.”

“That’s fine. They deserve happiness together. I will just watch them fuck and fuck Daichi later.”

Daichi was terrified. If he had been drinking something at that moment he would definitely spit it out right now. Well, happy and terrified at once.

“I like you, pretty boy. You can stay” Kuroo announced approvingly. “You are worthy of dating our Dadchi.”

“We are not dating yet. We will start after we watch the first season. And… uh… ‘Dadchi’?”

“Now. You’ve earned my respect. Can you cook?”

Bokuto appeared in the door again, suddenly looking all shy and… almost not like himself. For a moment Daichi was actually worried that something was wrong. But the mystery was solved just a moment later.

“Excuse me, popular boy…” Bokuto asked Suga, extremely politely, bowing in deep respect. “Am I wrong or you are by any chance friends with Akaashi Keiji?”

Suga crooked his head in a very cute and confused way. Daichi was embarrassed. It turned out polite Bokuto was actually kind of creepy. Only Kuroo remained completely unperturbed, grinning in the same slightly disturbing way he always did.

“I… meet him from time to time. He’s more of my roommate’s friend.” Suga admitted after a second of hesitation.

“Do you.. perhaps know…” Bokuto stopped for a second, embarrassed.

Wow, his cheeks were pink. It was real. Daichi has seen everything now.

“You can do this, bro” Kuroo encouraged him, placing his hand on his best friend’s arm in support.

As weird as it had been, it actually worked. Bokuto breathed in. Finally he almost yelled:

“Do you know if he likes owls?!”

There were a few more seconds of silence when Bokuto stared at Suga with the expression that was a mixture of hope and horror while Suga gazed back with a look of utter confusion on his face. Daichi didn’t know whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

“I don’t really know.” Suga said finally. “But he has owl earrings, he wears them all the time, so I think yes?” he added quickly when Bokuto’s face turned pale.

And that was enough to bring Bokuto back to screaming mode.

“AAAAAAAAAA!” he grabbed his hair again and ran off in the general direction of the kitchen. They heard a loud bang. He probably ran into a wall by accident but even that didn’t stop him from screaming.

Suga looked at Daichi and asked the question that had to be asked.

“Is he always like that?”

“Only when he eats too much sugar or hears someone talk about this Akaashi guy. He has a little crush.”

“That crush is the size of a fucking elephant’s ass” Kuroo corrected with a lopsided grin. “It’s not little by any means.”

“Actually, Suga…” Daichi interrupted. “Why did he call you ‘popular boy’?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because he’s really popular at our university” Bokuto explained, reappearing behind Kuroo’s back. He had a huge bruise on the right side of his forehead. “Like he talks to cool people, he goes out with cool people and he gets invited to all the parties.”

“Oh, I’m not popular. It’s all Oikawa, I just usually stand next to him” Suga shrugged, smiling modestly.

“Nah, everybody adores you.” Bokuto’s eyes were literally the size of saucers. “Because he’s really nice and always helps everyone. Oikawa is cool but mean. WAIT. DAICHI, SO THE PRETTY BOY THAT YOU WERE MESSAGING THIS WEEK IS OIKAWA TOORU?!”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Woah. So many cool people. And Daichi knows them. Amazing.” he stared at them with a wide childlike smile as he sat on the floor.

Well, so Suga was popular. That meant even more out of his league. And they kissed today. How did Daichi manage that? Oh. Right. With his mother’s help.

“I’m heating up dinner. Do you want some too?”

“That’s very nice of you Kuroo” Daichi praised him and took out a sticker out of his wallet. “Here, you earned a sticker.”

“Thanks, Dadchi.”

He marched proudly to the board that was hanging on the refrigerator and put it in a neatly drawn table under a little cat drawing.

“Dadchi, I cleaned my room, can I get a sticker too?” asked Bokuto.

“No, I already told you, I don’t care about your rooms.”

“But Dadchi…”

“Go, help Kuroo. I will give you a sticker but a small one.”

“Okay!”

Bokuto ran to Kuroo and helped him put the things Daichi’s mom gave them yesterday into the microwave. That gave Suga time to confront Daichi about some of the things that had just happened.

“So… you are a Dadchi with stickers?”

“Yeah, they are like unruly kids and I often yell at them… so they started calling me that and now won’t stop” he explained.

“And stickers…?”

“It’s a very good and complicated system. There are regular stickers, small stickers, super big stickers and extra big stickers. Two small stickers equal a regular one. Super and extra big ones are just so it’s easier to count them, they exchange the regular and small ones to get them. Super is 10 regular stickers and extra is 100 stickers. I give them stickers if they behave well and take them away if they don’t. If they get enough stickers they can get prizes. 35 stickers are bag of gummy bears, 45 is a chocolate and things like that. There are also special prizes. Like for example for 300 stickers there are owl socks for Bokuto. Kuroo is saving up now for fancy cat onesie. But that’s 700 so it will take him a long time. He’s an ambitious boy though, so I’m sure he will get them eventually.”

“I’m sure he will. And let me guess – you keep the prizes under your bed?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes.”

Suga went quiet for a minute. Daichi was scared. Maybe the system was a little creepy after all?

“Daichi, you should give them magnets instead of stickers.” Suga said suddenly. “This way you won’t have to change the board all the time” he added with concern.

That was a genius idea.

“You are so smart. Would you… help me raise those two idiots? Please?”

Suga just smiled. Daichi was about to kiss him again but Suga’s phone started buzzing in his pocket and ruined the moment.

Suga checked his phone. It was a picture. A very horrifying selfie from the Pretty Boy. He was crying and looked really terrible.

“Did something happen?” he asked with worry.

“Oh, he’s not really crying” Suga explained. “It’s just his crying make up. But he will really cry if I don’t come home soon so… I will eat with you and then leave. Sorry. We will finish the episode next time.”

“Soon?”

“Of course.”

During dinner there was only one awkward question. But the one that he should have expected.

“It’s so tasty!” Suga exclaimed in amazement. “Who made it?”

“Daichi’s mom! None of us can cook so she feeds us and it’s awesome!” Bokuto answered with both of his cheeks filled with food which made him look like a crossbreed between an owl and a hamster. A terrifying idea, really.

Daichi wanted to hide under the table. Now, the first of the secrets was out.

“Hm… Next time I will cook something good for you. This will be hard to beat but I will try!”

And that confirmed it. Suga was an angel sent from the heaven above.

When Suga left Daichi decided to rest a little bit and then go jogging with Iwaizumi. He felt a need to work out more, especially because he caught Suga ogling his body from time to time. He needed to look good so Suga would keep doing it.

He knew Iwaizumi for a few years now. They met at gym. At first they just acknowledged each other’s existence. They met a lot because their schedules were similar so they were constantly running into each other. Soon they started talking and helping each other with the workout and stretching. Still they were keeping distance and talked only about the gym.

But then one faithful day a hot guy happened in a changing room. Daichi looked. And then looked back at Iwaizumi just to see him checking the hot guy out. And instantly they knew that they had something more in common than just muscles.

Soon they became close friends and after Daichi left the gym since he had one at work, they started jogging together at least once a week.

Today too, they just run around for an hour, chatting.

Of course most of that was Daichi gushing over Suga.

“And he can cook! I can finally escape my mother, Iwaizumi! If he can cook for me, I won’t need to see her every two weeks anymore!”

“Awesome.”

“And he’s so beautiful. Like an angel. Like a walking perfection!”

“Uhm.”

“I will marry him, Iwaizumi. I will definitely marry him!”

“Sure you will.”

After half an hour of going on and on about Suga, Daichi finally asked:

“So how are you?”

“I’m okay.”

“Dating anybody?”

“Daichi. You know I don’t date.”

“Right.”

Daichi knew it and it was weird. Iwaizumi was a hot guy with a good job and not very bad personality. And he was really caring and empathetic after you broke through the tough shell which all his kindness was hiding in. It showed for example at his job. He was a vet like Suga wanted to be and puppies adored him. And Iwaizumi loved all the puppies even if he didn’t like to talk about it.

He could cook. He lived alone. According to Daichi’s mother he had better fashion taste than Daichi (but that on the other hand was not very hard).

Anyway, Iwaizumi seemed like a type that wouldn’t have trouble with dating someone. Like, he was a whole package.

But somehow he decided not to date. Daichi wanted to know why. Today he had a pretty good day so after years of waiting he finally said the magical words:

“Actually… why don’t you date?”

“I never told you?”

“You never did.”

Iwaizumi sighed.

“I don’t date because I hate the guys that I like.”

“You don’t make sense.”

“I will explain. I’m always attracted to posh, pretty assholes. I hate them so much. But they are so hot. I tried dating them. I hated them even more. I tried dating guys that I actually liked: it was even worse because I wasn’t attracted to them at all and even kissing felt weird and sex was just sad. So after a few pathetic efforts to find someone I would be happy with I gave up and decided that living like that was way too difficult to continue. So screw the assholes, I prefer to be alone.”

“Iwaizumi. That’s so sad.”

“No. I am very happy. I am considering becoming an old cat lady and it seems pretty cool. But now I work too much so maybe in few years.”

“You’re aware that you wouldn’t possibly be able to get rid of Kuroo then, right?” Daichi asked but Iwaizumi just shrugged. “Well. Good luck then. I’m rooting for you.”

 


	8. In which Oikawa gains two new friends. Kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all give a warm welcome to... Xeno from the title!

**OIKAWA**

 

„You can’t leave me! I’m your best friend! And I had a crisis yesterday!” Oikawa shouted.

Stupid Koushi. How dare he disrespects him like that?

“How dare you disrespect me like that?”

“Tooru, I really have to go. I told you before that we have a cat that needs a complex surgery, even a specialist from another clinic is coming over to help. They told me it would be an important experience for me to see so I have to go.”

Tooru did one of his pouty child’s faces.

“BUT KOUSHI-CHAN!!!”

“I will be back soon. Or you can come by the clinic around three o’clock? The surgery should be over by then.”

“HMPF” Tooru was still displeased. “Okay. But I still think you shouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Just don’t go around  kissing Ushiwaka again and you’ll be fine!”

Oikawa threw his plush Chewbacca at him but Suga managed to leave the apartment in time so it just hit the door.

Stupid Koushi.

His phone vibrated.

 **Mom2** : Ushijima-kun just wasn’t for you, Tooru, and we both know that. But if you see someone interesting today, take a chance! I believe in you!

“Oh, give me a break!” he muttered and turned on his Farming Simulator 17.

His phone vibrated again. He was tempted not to check it this time. But the light in the phone was even more tempting… He couldn’t stop. He checked the message.

 **Little Annoying Brat** : Thank you, Nii-san. I took your advice and I kissed Hinata yesterday. We are going out now.

Shit. And of course his crops were smaller than last time. Shit.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. He put on his “Garrus Vacarian is my space boyfriend” T-shirt and a facial mask. Now he was ready to turn on his favorite alien game.

 

**IWAIZUMI**

 

The surgery was very hard and Iwaizumi was glad the other vet called him to come and help.  Thanks to that the cat was alive and on its way to recovery. He was just about to leave the clinic when Ukai, the  doctor whom he was helping asked him if he could spare a moment more. He had a dog in a shelter next door and he was unsure about the treatment.

But now he was free. But still in the shelter, so the ground was covered in traps. He was very tempted to stay and help but he was working hard on keeping the workaholic in him in check.

But it was so hard to just walk out. He saw a small fluffy puppy with one of his legs all bandaged up. It was so cute and so sad. Poor thing could be beautiful if properly taken care of. It was probably Maltipoo or a similar breed. But there he was in the middle of the box. All alone. Iwaizumi couldn’t help it, he just took the puppy into his arms and cuddled it.

Puppy licked his neck with enthusiasm.

“Oh my god, what a fluffy little thing!”

A hand appeared out of nowhere to pet the dog in Iwaizumi’s arms. Iwaizumi stared.

The stranger was a guy, a few centimeters taller than him. Smooth skin, perfectly styled brown hair, big brown eyes. Stylish clothes, his T-shirt alone probably cost more than all of Iwaizumi’s wardrobe. And the jeans fit him perfectly leaving nothing to imagination about the guy’s wonderfully shaped legs. He smiled showing all of his perfectly white teeth as if he was starring in a toothpaste commercial. It was a well rehearsed smile, very pretty. The guy was all pretty. Too pretty. Iwaizumi couldn’t take his eyes off him. He also noticed that even the hand that was petting the dog and brushed him accidentally few times was soft thanks to regular use of hand cream. And polished fingernails. And that flawless face, it was just gorgeous. He was gorgeous.

And so incredibly hot.

God, he hated this guy.

“Yes, he’s fluffy, but also lonely and wounded” he remarked.

“You know what’s wrong with him?” the posh boy asked like he actually cared. But Iwaizumi would not be deceived.

“No, I was just walking by so I know nothing.”

“Come here, sweetie”

The posh boy just stole the dog from him. God, he was annoying. But the dog clearly didn’t see things the same way Iwaizumi did because it was licking the hot guy’s with enthusiasm. Iwaizumi wouldn’t say he was jealous but… well, it wouldn’t be a lie.

“Don’t be brutal with him” Iwaizumi said, trying to keep his train of thoughts in check.

“I’m not.”

“You just brutally reaped him from my arms so I don’t really trust you.”

“You are better with me, doggy, right?” the boy ignored him. “Way better than with this angry faced jerk.”

“You are…”

SO HOT.

No, Iwaizumi had to get it together. The posh boy looked rich and liked fluffy things. And he actually held the puppy like an animal, not a toy, so it was a good sign. Maybe he really cared about animals which would be extraordinary for a boy like him, but hell, miracles happen from time to time. Right?

It was a good chance to find a rich and handsome sugar daddy.

For the dog of course.

“Do you like the dog?”

“How would I not like it? You think I’m not only brutal but soulless too?”

He was so cute being an asshole with a puppy licking his face. God, Iwaizumi’s life was so hard. Would the guy say ‘yes’ if he invited him on a date now? Probably not. So what should he do to make him…

No, Iwaizumi. Shut up. And forget about you mental problems. Focus on the puppy’s welfare. It’s important. Not your issues with hot assholes.

But being nice wouldn’t hurt any of those causes.

“Sorry for suspecting that you might be brutal. We started off the wrong foot. I’m Iwaizumi.”

“Oikawa. Why did you take the puppy out of the box? You shouldn’t do that, what if it was wounded somewhere else? That’s why only vets should pick the dogs up. But you are weird and I don’t trust you, so I’m not letting the puppy go. And no touching.”

Such. An. Asshole.

But protective when it came down to the dog. Good.

“I am a veterinarian.”

“But you don’t work here.”

“I work somewhere else. I came here just to help with a surgery.”

“Oh. I guess they told me someone would come to help. Fine, you can touch the puppy. But I’m still protecting him.”

“It’s nice that you are so protective. You volunteer here?”

“From time to time. Not really often. But every month I donate some money for the dog food and stuff.”

Of course. Rich and lazy. Just like Iwaizumi expected.

“It’s a pity that my apartment doesn’t allow pets. I would adopt him” he said suggestively.

Caramel eyes pierced him like knifes. Two pairs because dog was already starting to act like his potential future owner.

“Don’t think I can’t see through this pathetic attempt at manipulation, doctor Iwaizumi.”

Right. He forgot that his type was also sassy, shrewd and annoyingly smart. Great. Now Oikawa was officially the hottest person he’s ever met. Wonderful.

“It’s true though! And the manipulation was for a good cause… This puppy is…” he started trying to quickly find a good argument than wouldn’t be very offensive.

But apparently he didn’t need to.

“I’m taking him” Oikawa interrupted.

“What?”

“I said I’m taking him. I’m adopting him.”

Suddenly he became a thousand times hotter. That was too much for Iwaizumi too handle. His brain just stopped working.

“He needs food, bed, leash, medical care… let me help you. Please.”

“I don’t really need help from an asshole. Nor does Xeno.”

“Who?”

“The dog. It’s his name from now on.”

Of course. A fancy name, for a fancy dog. Probably _xeno_ is some purse type or something.

Giving dog a name suddenly made the adoption even more real. Oikawa was really going to take the dog home. Iwaizumi had already made up so many arguments in his head: that the dog would eat little because probably it would stay pretty small, that it wasn’t exactly a mutt but a rare breed so that dog suited someone fancy like Oikawa… but suddenly he didn’t need them. Because the posh asshole volunteered to adopt. On his own. Well, almost.

“I didn’t expect you to really take him. Thank you. You are amazing” Iwaizumi said before he could stop himself.

Oikawa blushed. In a very cute way. Shit. Shit shit shit.

“It’s okay. I just looked into his eyes and I knew Xeno was the one for me.” he said with modesty that sounded almost natural.

A part of Iwaizumi was screaming: ‘Look at me! I want to be the only one for you too!’. He knew that it didn’t make any sense but his brain was still barely working.

“I would still like to help you. Please let me. I will drive you to the store and home today, I will check on the puppy free of charge anytime you want me too and…”

He was blabbering. But Oikawa was so fucking hot. He though that his brain must have overheated.

“You don’t need to. I live with a vet.”

Oh. OH. Right. What else would a pretty, posh boy be doing in an animal shelter on Sunday? Probably visiting a boyfriend at work. Right. Iwaizumi was stupid for ever thinking that Oikawa could be single. Not that he cared.

He cared a lot.

“Sorry. I didn’t know that you had a boyfriend” he said, trying to sound casual and not disappointed at all. It didn’t work as well as he‘d hoped. “I mean… the veterinarian boyfriend” he corrected not to sound so pathetic but he got the impression that it was still pretty lame.

 “He’s not my boyfriend, just a roommate. And he’s still in school so maybe…”

Iwaizumi wanted to respond in a more neutral way, that, yes, maybe he would drop by from time to time. However Oikawa blushed a little and it caused Iwaizumi to lose his mind again.

“ You can use me as much as you want.” Oh. My. God. He really didn’t want it to sound like that.

“Can you drive me to the pet store and places like that?” Oikawa said, seemingly not noticing.  “I don’t have a car. I would like to go today, if the puppy will be okay to take.”

“Of course.”

They met with people in charge of the shelter and also the doctors who were taking care of the dog.

“He was found in the forest two weeks ago. He hurt his leg there but it’s nothing very serious” the vet in charge informed them, looking through the files. “He needed a few stitches and the wound was infected which led to some other complications but he’s doing fine now. In a few days he won’t need the bandage anymore and we will remove the stitches. Unfortunately, he has some other diseases and probably that’s the reason why the previous owners gave him up. His nostrils aren’t developing properly and due to that he has a breathing disorder. Right now it’s not dangerous but it will get worse when he grows older. You will have to observe if he doesn’t develop any disturbing symptoms and if he does contact a doctor immediately. Undoubtedly, he will need a surgery in few months.  He’s also allergic to chicken so you will have a hard time buying him food.  Probably, he’s a maltipoo, but we don’t know for sure, around four months old. Do you still want him, Oikawa-san?” he asked, looking at Oikawa worryingly. “It will be understandable if you’ve changed your mind considering his condition...”

“I want him.” Oikawa said without hesitation. “Can I take him home now?”

“Yes, especially since doctor Iwaizumi promised to help you. He should explain more about proper care and everything.”

In the end they left Xeno at the shelter for a few more hours and went to the store first to prepare the apartment for the puppy arrival. Iwaizumi was glad to play chauffeur for this guy. He kind of wanted to keep talking to him, preferably kiss him. Oh no, his mind was straying off the right path again. Damn it.

Fortunately, Oikawa was texting a lot during the ride so it was easier for Iwaizumi to limit the interaction and keep his distance. Also that made Oikawa talk less which meant that he was less annoying and hot at the same time.

But sometimes he looked at Iwaizumi with these big brown eyes and Iwaizumi knew he was fucked.

God, life was so hard.

 

**OIKAWA**

 

First he sent a message to Suga.

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** **:** Go to your future sex toy today, I NEED THE APARTMENT. I need it. Don’t come near.

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : And don’t ask your friends what I did at the shelter.

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : But we need to talk. In the evening. Like around 10 pm

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : And promise you won’t be mad

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : Okay, I’m going to Daichi’s <3

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : Wait, is there a hot guy?

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : ARE U (ღ꒡ ᵌ꒡)⋆﹡♡⃛*⁎⋆(꒡ᵋ ꒡ღ)

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : It’s not all about guys

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : But yeah, they are both hot af

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : BOTH? TOORU U CAN’T

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : AS YOUR MOTHER I FORBID YOU

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : Relax, I’m just screwing with you  v(*’-^*)-☆

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : Okay, hot guy is looking at me now so I better stop texting and get to flirting

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : I BEG YOU TOORU

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : Go to momma’s boy and play house there

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** : I know you like it   (ʃƪ¬‿¬)

  **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : You are so screwed up. I should have aborted you.

 **✪✮** **STAR BOY** **✮✪** **:** Koushi-chan so mean!!!

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : Good thing I’m not your real mom then (＞ω)＝☆

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** : And if you really sleep with two guys you just met it will be a new law for you, and I need to remind you that you already work at Shiratorizawa and kissed Ushiwaka. So please don’t disrespect yourself anymore. *:･✧⃛(ཽ๑ඕัᴗඕั๑)✧⃛*:･

 **❦❤❈** **MOM** **✵❂❀** :  FYI if you forget protection my love will kill you

Iwaizumi was really looking at him. So Oikawa decided to be nice and started a conversation. And of course Iwaizumi was nice at the beginning, then suddenly became very mean, and then again back to nice. He was so confusing.

He couldn’t exactly explain why but he liked Iwaizumi. No matter how weird he was. Oikawa knew that under all that mean attitude he was actually very kind, it took him one glance at the way he was holding Xeno to recognize it.

And of course it helped that Iwaizumi was incredibly hot. He was handsome but when Oikawa saw his arms he gasped. Those arms were just perfect. Muscular, strong, comforting… God, how much he wanted to be held in these arms.

At least now he would have a dog to hug if things won’t work out.

But it was really tempting to try now. He just couldn’t  figure out a proper way.

 **Tooru** : Mom, help!

 **Tooru** : I saw a hot vet, I adopted a dog and now we are buying dog food and he’s so hot! What do I do?!?!?!?!

 **Mom2** : Do your best, honey! I’m so happy about the dog! Send me pictures later!

 **Mom2** : Be nice but have dignity. And smile a lot, you are really beautiful like that!

 **Mom2** : And make an excuse so he has to come over a few times. That will give you enough time to seduce him no matter who he is!

Oikawa wished he knew how to seduce Iwaizumi. The man seemed to be so angry with him. Even if Oikawa didn’t exactly remember anything he’d done that could have given Iwaizumi a reason to be angry.

And also even though he would never ever say it aloud he knew that he was shit at flirting with guys. With girls it was natural for him and it helped that he didn’t care. With guys on the other hand… The more he cared the more pathetic it was.

And Iwaizumi’s arms made him care a lot.

 

**IWAIZUMI**

 

 He really hoped that the puppy couldn’t feel all the sexual tension between him and Oikawa. Those looks, blushes and basically everything was unbearable. And the worst part was the moments their hands touched. He hated those perfectly taken care of hands more than everything and touching them was enough to send a shiver down his spine and at the same time make him blush.

Surprisingly Oikawa was quite capable when it came down to taking care of the dog.

After they were done he invited Iwaizumi to stay for a coffee. Iwaizumi could say no. But he didn’t. Oikawa made him a big one that looked very much like fancy things with difficult names in expensive cafes. He hated to admit it but it was delicious.

They chatted a little bit more. He found out that Oikawa was still a student, cosmetics major. That explained the existence of the lab that they had to buy a fence for. Apparently he was really smart and had a huge scholarship and now a grant for research on certain ingredients in facial and hair masks. It was so gay. Impressive but very gay.

Oikawa was also a barista at a fancy coffee shop. He had a lot of shoes and hair products. He was using brown sugar instead of normal. Just one of Oikawa’s towels had fluffiness surpassing the fluffiness of all Iwaizumi’s towels combined. He drank coffee with a straw. He actually had straws in the apartment. In various colors and patterns.

Every second Oikawa was becoming more attractive and annoying. Iwaizumi needed to escape.

“It’s getting late. I need to go.” he announced, forcing his body to move and stand up.

“Of course.” Oikawa smiled easily. “Will you drop by tomorrow evening? To check on the paw?”

“Sure.”

The paw didn’t really need to be checked on until Tuesday but he wanted to see Oikawa again as soon as possible. Kind of.

He wanted to go home and take a cold shower. Maybe that would give him enough strength to cancel on Oikawa.

“Goodbye, Iwaizumi-sensei” Oikawa smiled.

“Iwaizumi is just fine.”

“Iwa-chan then.”

Shit. He could feel Oikawa look at his lips for a second. He wanted to kiss him now so bad.

“Bye, Oikawa.”

He walked out without looking back.

 

 


	9. In which Oikawa has a sugar daddy.

**OIKAWA**

A few days have passed. Xeno was perfect. Just lovely, obedient, very cuddly. He already felt at home in his and Suga’s apartment.

Suga was mad at first because Xeno peed on his carpet and also because he thought Oikawa wouldn’t be able to handle this much responsibility but it was only for the first night. Next morning he saw Suga cuddling Xeno during breakfast and feeding him with cream cheese.

There was one thing Suga was still mad about though.

“Are you seriously throwing me out of my apartment for the fourth day in the row?”

“Just for two hours or so Suga-chan. Please. Today I will finally ask him out on a date!”

“Like the hell you will. You were supposed to do that yesterday.”

“Please, Koushi-chan. Go to your boyfriend.”

Suga rolled his eyes.

“I met him a week ago. He’s not my boyfriend yet.”

“A week doesn’t matter. What matters  for you is the number of the episode. So?”

“Eighteen, shut up.”

“How the hell did you get to eighteen in a week?”

“We watch it together on skype at night.”

“Wow. Anyway, I love you but go away” Tooru returned to the topic.

“I can’t. Daichi is working tonight.”

“But you can still go to his place, right?”

“His roommates are there.”

“You can play a mother. C’mon, Koushi-chan!”

Oh no. Suga had his evil face. So scary.

“Fine. I will leave. But if you ever mess up my dating simulators again, you and doctor Iwaizumi are over. I will make sure he will never go out with you. Are we clear?”

“Very.”

He found out about Dream Daddy yesterday. He wasn’t pleased. Oikawa had to bake him a chocolate cake and promise to make him a coffee and breakfast in bed every morning for a month. Because Suga was threatening to tell Iwaizumi about Oikawa’s hidden nerdiness. All the farms, all the aliens. Everything. Even the fact that he knitted himself warm alien socks for winter.

The scariest thing about Suga was that he usually executed the threats so Oikawa had to be really careful right now.

“But first I will text Daichi because I don’t know maybe they left or something.”

“Just hurry up, please.”

“No way.”

Suga laid down on the couch and slowly started typing message. Tooru was staring at him with a great displeasure. Suga put his phone down, waiting for the reply. Finally.

“Don’t you have some Ushiwaka’s cows to milk or something?” he asked Tooru.

“I don’t really play Farming Simulator that much” Oikawa lied.

Suga laughed.

“You are so cute when you pretend to be cool. I bet Iwa-chan would like it. If you would have the guts to enlighten him about your endearing, lovable nerdiness. ”

“Screw you. Iwaizumi is cool. I first need to make him fall in love with me then maybe I will show him a little bit of nerd at a time, and step by step I will show him my true face. Not everyone is so desperate that they would go out with a weirdo or a nerd.”

“Daichi is fine with me.”

“Your boyfriend is lame and desperate. I admit, he’s a hot firefighter but the things his mother tells me…”

“You mean his fashion taste? Or absolute zero cooking skills? Or the fact that he panics over small things? I think it’s pretty adorable. He gets along with the true you and judging from how he treats his roommates he’s good with kids. That makes him a perfect man for me.”

“Please, make him wear something acceptable whenever I might see him. I don’t want his clothes to burn out my eyes.”

“Sure, Tooru-chan. You have very pretty eyes, we need to take care of them.”

Suga’s phone vibrated.

“I’m good to go. Just let me grab few things.”

Oikawa pretended not to notice the slow motion that Suga was performing while packing. Of course he didn’t finish it in time, the doorbell rang. The puppy ran to the door, tail wagging furiously.

“Not a word about aliens, Suga-chan.” Oikawa warned him.

“Nor Farming Simulator. Got it.” Suga winked at him understandingly and opened the door.

**IWAIZUMI**

The door opened. A fluffy ball jumped on him forgetting about his wounded leg. He picked Xeno up and let him lick his face.

Actually it’s not all for fun. It’s an advanced and complex strategy. If a puppy was licking his face it was technically more difficult to kiss Oikawa so it helped him resist the temptation.

“Hi” he muttered to Oikawa.

“Hi, Iwa-chan.”

He hated how good it felt to have a nickname given by Oikawa.

“Would you like some coffee? My friend from work gave me cake today so…”

“Yes, please.”

He almost wanted to ask for that flavored fancy thing Oikawa made for him last time but he remembered that he should avoid getting any more friendly with this annoying brat. He should never ever let him know that his coffee was to die for.

He heard a noise in the flat. Was Oikawa’s roommate here? He never really met him, he seemed to be gone most of the time. Oikawa explained to him, that he was just very in love with his boyfriend and was spending as much time as he could at his place. Because love was so beautiful and blah blah blah.

Oikawa’s roommate really did emerge from his room. Iwaizumi remembered his face, he was one of the helping staff during the surgery on the day he met Oikawa. He was a pretty boy with a warm smile. Thousands times better than Oikawa.

“Hello, Iwaizumi-sensei.” he said cheerfully with a smile that seemed to have brightened up the entire room. “Now that you are not covered in cat’s intestines I have to admit Oikawa was right. You are handsome. I’m going to my boyfriend’s place now, so nice meeting you! Bye!”

Or not. Actually it made sense that this man and Oikawa were friends. Fortunately he left before Iwaizumi could even say hi.

Oikawa made him a coffee. Fancy one, in a tall glass with whipped cream and caramel on the top. Just so Oikawa. Iwaizumi tried not to imagine what their first date would look like. It would surely be in some expensive restaurant where they give you small portions of food but every plate costs small fortune. And some top shelf wine. He would drive Oikawa back to his place, being a perfect gentleman and Oikawa would invite him upstairs for a drink. They would kiss and then his hands would venture under Oikawa’s shirt…

Shit.

His daydreaming  was interrupted by the buzzing of Oikawa’s phone. He quickly turned off the alarm.

“I need to boil something for my project, can you set the cake up? It’s on a kitchen counter over there.”

“Sure.”

He watched Oikawa take some strange jars out of the refrigerator and go with them to his lab in the living room. Now, that he was gone and there was no ass to check out he could take care of the cake.

He opened the box and gasped in shock. The cake looked amazing, layers, colors, cream everything. It was probably an expensive cake but well… he should have kind of expected it from Oikawa.

He noticed a small card sticking out from the corner of the box. What was that? He shouldn’t read it. But he was so curious. He took a quick look at the door to make sure Oikawa was gone and examined the card.

_Dear Oikawa Tooru,_

_I hope this cake will bring you happiness that a wonderful person like you deserves in the fullest. Though our time together was short I am very grateful to you for giving me a chance to taste your lips. Please, enjoy the cake. I have put a lot of love into making it. And remember that you are always welcome to visit my farm more often._

_In hope for maintaining friendship with you and forever yours_

_Ushijima Wakatoshi_

 

 Iwaizumi was strong. Even though he wanted answers immediately, he waited full five minutes before asking.

“Am I eating a cake your ex made?”

Oikawa suddenly turned pale. And then blushed.

“What? No? Maybe? He just wishes!”

“So no?”

“It’s complicated. Well, it was. Now it’s not anymore. But he’s still making me cakes and is quite a good friend.”

Okay. Now Iwaizumi knew how to translate it. It actually made a lot of sense. Oikawa had a sugar daddy who had a farm and was good at baking. And probably was his boss because Oikawa said “friend from work”. Oikawa probably broke it off  when he got the grant for his research. Now Iwaizumi hated him even more for being such a worthless… fine, it was hot that Oikawa was so superficial that he actually went out with someone for money. And good to know that Oikawa was single right now.

Iwaizumi was actually thinking about getting a psychiatrist. Things were bad. Really bad.

**SUGA**

“Bro! Our mom is here can you open the door?”

“Of course, Bro!”

The door flung open a few seconds later. Suga was greeted by Bokuto, dressed only in colorful underwear covered in owls playing volleyball. He hugged Suga like a member of a family.

“Very cool boxers, Bokuto.”

“Thank you. I got them from Dadchi. I earned them. Stickers.” Bokuto said proudly.

“Well, they are amazing!”

Suga entered the apartment he’d become quite familiar with over the last few days. He found Kuroo in the living room. On the couch. With his legs up in come bizarre configuration.

“Excuse me, what are you doing?” he asked politely, slightly afraid of the answer he might receive.

“Practicing yoga” Kuroo waved him off, since Suga blocked the screen. “Like the lady on TV.”

“Bro, it’s exactly the same!” Bokuto praised him, looking weirdly excited.

It really wasn’t the same.

“By the way, I have something to ask you” Suga changed the subject. “Do you want to earn some cake?”

“It depends” Kuroo said in a serious tone, still copying every move they were showing on TV. His striped sock flew just inches away from Bokuto’s nose but the other didn’t even blink. “Is it a good cake?”

“Yes. A chocolate cake but flavor can be negotiated. We have a good baker at our disposal.”

Kuroo and Bokuto looked at each other and nodded in silent agreement. Then tried to negotiate hard.

“How big a cake would that be?” Bokuto wanted to know.

“Big one. But not as big as a pizza.”

“What do you think, bro?” Bokuto raised his eyebrows.

Kuroo considered for a moment and made the final deal.

“We will take the job if you pay us a cake per hour, every hour different flavor.” He announced. “ What is the job?”

“My roommate needs test subjects for his experiments.”

“Bro!” Bokuto’s eyes opened wide in fear. “We are gonna die!”

“Nah, don’t think so.” Kuroo said calmingly and finally put his long legs down, sitting upwards. “Suga is a good mom and he knows Dadchi loves us. He wouldn’t kill us.”

Suga thought that they vere absolutely adorable. Although maybe a little delusional.

“My roommate is not some crazy pharmaceutical student that will poison you.” He said, seeing that Bokuto was still unconvinced. “He’s making facial masks.”

“Wait. Like stage masks?” Kuroo’s lazy gaze suddenly sharpened as his eyes focused on Suga. He suddenly seemed interested . “Can I have one like in Tokyo Ghoul? Or wait, maybe like a Cat Woman!”

“I want to look like an owl!” Bokuto demanded happily.

“Not this type of masks!” Suga laughed. “Like cream ones. Moisturizing and stuff…”

They looked a little bit disappointed.

“At least we will be more beautiful, bro.” Bokuto said finally, shrugging.

“You don’t need it, you’re already beautiful, bro.” Kuroo replied, looking at him affectionately.

“BRO!!!” Bokuto put both of his hand on his chest, looking very touched. “You give me a boner in my heart.”

“So will you come over tomorrow and help him with his thesis?” Suga tried to get them back on track.

“If we get the cake, we’ll come.”

“Suga, do you want to do something fun with us today?” Bokuto asked.

“Sure, what?”

“We don’t know yet. We are looking for inspiration.”

Suga went quiet for a minute. Kuroo and Bokuto were admiring how hard he was thinking about having fun. Finally he spoke.

“Maybe. We could open Daichi’s closet, take out five ugliest things we can find, go to the forest, build a bonfire and then… salt and burn Daichi’s clothes so they never come back from the dead and then use the fire to roast some sausages?”  

“YOU ARE THE COOLEST MOM EVER!!!”

Suga smiled. It meant a lot to him that they thought so.

Kuroo looked studious.

“I heard Poles and Russians roast potatoes in the fire can we do that too?” he asked slowly.

“Of course, if you find a youtube video showing how.”

“Can we bring a picnic basket?” Bokuto asked, jumping up and down in place as if he could hardly contain his enthusiasm.

“Of course.”

“Can we bring beer?”

“Only if you share with me.”

“You are a wonderful mother.”

Suga blushed. Kuroo smiled widely, giving them a long, sort of disturbing look.

“Now let’s go and make the exorcism feast.”

Bokuto squealed in delight, dashing towards the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for so many comments, hits and kudos! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°


	10. In which Kuroo is on the verge of death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> This is gonna be a long chapter. My bro who read it before told me that it can be pretty triggering for certain people so I'm warning you: (don't read if you're open-minded because those are kind of spoilers)
> 
> \- If you are a gamer a certain question will make you very angry (like my bro, he really lost it and wrote a long, long speech as a response, I put in the fic).  
> \- There is a little Kuroo/Oikawa. But just for fun. My fun. And hopefully yours.  
> \- Dream Daddy Dating Simulator is an awesome game. I made up Suga's plot so it won't spoil your fun with the game in the future.  
> \- I strongly believe that aliens are AWESOME.
> 
> Oh, and next week I'm extremely busy so it's possible that I won't be able to update.
> 
> Enjoy and leave kudos if you like it!

**Oikawa**

Suga promised that his boy toy would bring him new test subjects. Oikawa was very relieved that they’d agreed to come.  He was slowly running down on friends to use for that purpose.

And that they had accepted the payment in cakes. It was the easiest thing to get for him, he just had to go to Shiratorizawa and take everything they had left from the day before. Not to mention that one word to Ushiwaka and he could have his private cake mountain.

Now the only thing that was bothering him was Iwaizumi. The man was terrible. He was sending Oikawa mixed signals but lately mostly pushed him away. And that was making him really frustrated.

He was starting to think that the things with Iwaizumi won’t work out at all.

But apart from the Iwaizumi thing, his life was great.

He made himself and Suga a coffee and returned to the living room where his lovely roommate was struggling on his laptop, playing Dream Daddy Simulator.

He put coffee in front of Suga.

“Did Anthony forgive you?” he asked.

“It turns out his ex-wife cheated on him and that was the reason they divorced, so no, he didn’t. And thank you, Tooru, for destroying my relationship.”

“C’mon, it’s just a game” Tooru rolled his eyes.

“One more time you say that and I’m making your space boyfriend Garrus break up with you.”

“Please, I love that game. I can just pass it all again from the beginning. More romantic Garrus feels for me.”

“Fine. Then I will destroy your farm.”

“YOU WOULDN’T DARE! And  you wouldn’t know how. It’s a very complicated and complex game. And Ushiwaka would never help you.”

“Shirabu has a crush on Ushiwaka so he plays it from time to time to get his attention. And he hates your guts so he’ll help me.”

“How the hell do you know about that?”

Suga looked at him as if he was stupid.

“You told me, Tooru. Because once you were really angry that his cows were producing more milk even though he doesn’t care about them like you do. You were yelling all night long.”

It sounded a bit familiar. Probably it really happened but it was a very clouded memory. Probably some tequila was involved as well. It was high time to change the subject.

“By the way, why do you want Anthony so badly? Thomas is way hotter.”

“My kid has crush on Thomas’s kid, it would be weird. What if we get married and then our kids get married? Awkward.”

Suga clearly put too much heart into this game.

“Right. Who’s that guy?”

Suga was picking his kids up from school right now so it was a good occasion to check out all the potential back-ups for Anthony. This guy was dressed all in black and was standing in the corner.

“It’s the Mystery Daddy.” Suga explained. ”No one knows who he is, just that he’s Grace’s father.”

“Go talk to him! He looks like a god!”

“Shut up, Oikawa. He looks like a vampire.”

“Vampires are hot! C’mon, Suga-chan! It’s a game, play a little!”

“But Anthony….”

“Forget about him! Follow the adventure! Follow the hot vampire!”

“I have two kids! What if he…” though he was reluctant, he approached the guy. “Oh my god, you were right he’s hotter than all the guys are have ever dated. Real life and games combined. Except for Daichi.”

“Mystery Daddy is way hotter than Daichi, Suga.”

“Have you seen him without his clothes? And those tights…” Suga got dreamy again.

“You didn’t see him without clothes, Suga, I know you would have told me the minute you got home.”

“Fine, I didn’t. But I touched him a little and I have my imagination.”

“Can you please concentrate? I don’t really want to hear about you making out with momma’s boy and Mystery Daddy is proposing a play date for your kids.”

 

**Daichi**

They were late. Of course they were late. How could they not be late if Kuroo was insisting on petting every cat he saw on the way? And now the Pretty Boy would be mad. To tell the truth, Daichi really feared that evil force, even now, when he had Suga’s number, facebook, LINE and basically all possible means to contact him. But still, he believed that somehow Oikawa could take Suga away.

Because he was a lot like Satan dressed in stylish clothes.

That’s why, before pressing the doorbell, he tried to fix Kuroo’s and Bokuto’s hair a little (which of course didn’t work) and straightened their clothes.  Those were nice clothes. He suggested that Kuroo wore a T-shirt with ‘Catronaut’ written all over it accompanied by a big drawing of a space cat. He hoped that would please the Pretty Boy.

“Remember to behave well.” he reminded them. “If you are polite and not offensive you will get special stickers. And Bokuto, I know that Oikawa knows Akaashi, but you have to restrain yourself or else he will get annoyed and won’t tell you anything. One question, from time to time. No more.”

“Yes, Dadchi.”

“And remember, Oikawa is pretty but dangerous. You have to respect him. And of course be nice to Suga.”

“Dadchi” Bokuto remarked. “We love Suga. And he loves us. After all, he’s our future mom.”

Daichi tried not to notice how creepy it all was. He just sighed and pressed the doorbell. They waited for a few seconds until the door opened, showing the Pretty Boy just as Daichi remembered him. Perfectly styled hair, fancy clothes, so beautiful it made looking at him awkward. But now, unexpectedly, he was holding a brown puppy in his arms. Bokuto gasped dramatically and started furiously petting the puppy, completely ignoring its owner. But what Kuroo did… well, that Daichi did not expect even in his worst nightmares.

He moved into one of his model poses, arm resting at the door frame above his head, another hand on the hips, pushing them to the side, a little, to make it more sexy.

“Hey there, hot stuff.” he said with a wide grin that was worthy of the Cheshire cat.

THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING. Oikawa blinked. Maybe he was going to turn Kuroo down. God, Daichi hoped he would. But shit, Oikawa actually blushed a little.

Fuck that stupid ‘Catrounaut’ T-shirt. Daichi unknowingly dug his own grave by suggesting it.

“Hi, come in.”

“I will go everywhere you want me to, beautiful.”

“Sorry about Kuroo.” Daichi said quickly. “And Bokuto” he added even though the latter hasn’t really done anything that needed apologizing for. Yet.

“Daichi, I have no idea what are you talking about. I’m just appreciating a rare beauty” Kuroo’s smile was wide as ever. “I’m Kuroo, by the way. And this is my bro, Bokuto. He has a thing for puppies, as you have probably noticed, you don’t have to worry your pretty head about it.”

Daichi was terrified. By the looks of Oikawa, he was carefully analyzing something. What if… Shit. Things just got worse.

“Well, it’s nice that I don’t have to, now I can focus all my attention on a certain handsome man…” he said casually and shot a blinding smile.

It was bad. It was very bad. How could they even flirt like that? Daichi didn’t know. It was so terrible. He would never go so cheap on Suga. Why was this even happening to him?

He spotted Suga on the living room’s couch, playing some game on his laptop. He decided that he will need more energy to put up with this Kuroo/Oikawa situation so he needed to recharge a little. He sat next to Suga and kissed his cheek.

“Hi, honey, I will kiss you in a sec, it’s very important moment.” Suga said, not moving his eyes away from the screen even for a moment.

“Sure, sugar” he put his arm around Suga and ran fingers through his hair.

“GROSS” Oikawa stated, scrunching his nose.

Daichi did his best to concentrate on Suga. But it was hard. He could still hear Kuroo and Oikawa flirting shamelessly, even when Oikawa was just explaining something about the facial masks. He seated his test subjects on the couch close to Daichi. Too close.

Suga was too occupied with his game to help him or even notice his surroundings. Curious, Daichi looked over at the screen. Suga was apparently flirting with a very handsome widower. Whose wife was turned into a vampire so he was forced to become a vampire hunter.

“Suga, what are you playing?” he asked.

“Dream Daddy Dating Simulator” Suga answered without hesitation.

As if it was a completely normal thing.

“Is this guy you dream daddy? He looks kind of dangerous.” Daichi had his doubts.

“I know. But Oikawa destroyed my affair with Anthony so I don’t really have a choice now… Although…” Suga put the laptop down at coffee table. “Maybe you could be my dream daddy, Daichi?”

That’s when Oikawa decided to cut in.

“Suga-chan behave, I don’t want to have nightmares!” he yelled and turned back to Kuroo. “Now I will put the mask on your face.”

“You can touch me wherever you want, babe”

Daichi felt his heart twitch. This thing was just terrible. If there was any nightmare material around it definitely wasn’t him and Suga. Suga on the other hand, looked confused. Maybe he will fix it. After all, Kuroo and Oikawa listened to him from time to time. But no.

“You two are cute” he decided. “ You can have my blessing.”

“Thanks, mom” they said at the same time.

Oikawa finished putting the masks on and sat down in the armchair.  Kuroo moved closer to him immediately. It was amazing that he still had guts to flirt, even when his face was covered with greenish facial mask. As much as Daichi despised him right now, the was also kind of admiring it.

“Bae, so now we have 15 minutes to get to know each other better, right?”

“That depends. We could have more if you let me do your hair later” Oikawa responded with a sly smile on his face.

Kuroo hesitated for a moment and Daichi knew why. He didn’t usually let people get close to his hair. Bokuto on the other hand apparently knew when to help his bro decide.

“He’ll let you if you don’t go too crazy” he told Oikawa. “We saw videos about Chinese puddles yesterday so we are a little bit cautious about the hair now. That’s why.” He added as if that explained everything.

“Don’t worry. I was just planning on using some moisturizer and styling them. Nothing that you can’t wash out if you don’t like it.”

“If you say so, then it’s cool. I guess, I should trust you. After all, your hair looks just amazing” Kuroo was back on track.

“Thanks. Actually, I’m also researching this area so… maybe you would like to help me with my tests?”

“Sure thing. You can always count on me. And I’ll bring Bo as well.”

Oikawa’a smile was as bright as the sun.

“I will get you your cake.”

Daichi and Suga managed to sneak out the moment he wasn’t looking. Suga quickly closed the door to his room behind them.  He smiled devilishly.

“Finally we are alone.”

It was true. They were meeting more often lately but they weren’t exactly alone, most of the time. Kuroo and Bokuto liked Suga so much that they wanted to spend time with him as well every time he was in their apartment. But now they had their new toys, as much as it was disturbing in Kuroo’s case.

Daichi stepped closer to Suga and put his arms around him. Suga reciprocated by giving him long and tender kiss. Daichi couldn’t help but to smile.

“I love being alone with you.”

Suga smiled back and kissed him again.

“Hey, Daichi… Actually… Oikawa got me thinking earlier… and… you know, this shirt is really ugly… so maybe you could take it off for me?”

Daichi’s heart skipped a beat.

“You want me to take my shirt off?” he asked, just to be sure.

“Yes. Very much.”

Suga pressed against him, pushing him a slightly toward the bed. Suga’s bed. Oh God.

“Do you need my help, Daichi?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

Suga kissed him more passionately, finally pushing him on the bed and started undoing the buttons of Daichi’s shirt. He sighed when he saw that Daichi was wearing an T-shirt beneath.

“Can I take it off too?” Suga whispered into his lips.

“Suga” Daichi sighed.

He felt Suga’s hands move up under his T-shirt. Even though they were a little cold Daichi felt as if they were burning him. He raised his arms to help Suga undress him. It all felt like a dream. Finally, he was making out with Suga. Like in his dreams.

Now Suga’s lips were everywhere, kissing him all over his chest. He moaned when Suga bit his nipple. Suga’s hand rested on his abs caressing them.

“Daichi, you are so hot… You make me feel so hot inside...”

That was too much for Daichi. He pushed Suga down on the matrass and started kissing him furiously.

“Oh, Daichi!”

Suga moaned when Daichi’s tight pushed against his crotch.

Of course it was exactly this moment that door flung open.

“Suga-chan! How dare you be indecent under my roof!” Oikawa screamed accusingly pointing a finger at them. “No more closed doors! Get dressed! Nice abs though, firefighter-chan.”

Oikawa was still glaring at them waiting. There was no hope to get him leave, apparently.

“Well?” he rushed them.

“Hey, handsome, you need help?” Kuroo asked, appearing behind Oikawa’s back with his secured with a dozen hairpins, preventing it from flying all around his face and ruining the greenish facemask he was still wearing.

“ No need, I can handle a half-naked man pretty well myself.”

“Nice.”

Suga kissed Daichi for the last time.

“I really enjoyed this, Daichi. Let’s continue next time?”

“I can’t wait.”

“Awww, Daichi.”

“Ewww, Suga-chan! Get your boyfriend dressed.” Oikawa cringed dramatically. “FYI your laptop is still on as well as the Dream Daddy on it. Do you really want to check what I can do when I’m desperate.”

“You already destroyed everything, Tooru” Suga sighed. “But fine” he found the T-Shirt and gave it to Daichi. “Please, tell me you sleep shirtless, Daichi. It would make me a very happy man.”

“Sometimes in the summer. Well, if you care I could do it more often but it gets cold. Maybe if…” he bit his tongue.

“Maybe if what?” Suga asked, staring at him with his big beautiful eyes.

Daichi was weak.

“Maybe if we… cuddle?”

Suga smiled as if he got a Christmas present in May.

“Daichi, you are a perfect man.”

They looked around but the shirt was nowhere to be found. Suga looked weirdly pleased about it.

“Let’s stop. This shirt was really ugly, it is probably burning in hell already.”

“But… it’s cold.”

“I can give you the shirt back from our first date or…”

“Or?”

“We could cuddle” Suga said with a smug face.

 

**Kuroo**

Suga’s roommate was unbelievably hot. And sexy. Seriously, those pants were one of the best things Kuroo saw this week. Except for the ass that was in them. Man. Why the hell did Daichi dislike the guy so much? He was just… awesome. Smart, witty, handsome, made amazing coffee and had some weird connections that granted him all the cake he wanted. Like a boss of cake mafia. Awesome. And he knew Akaashi. So maybe he could even get Bokuto a double date.

That would be nice. And what’s more, he played along with this grossly exaggerated flirting which added like + 50 to his awesomeness. Kuroo suspected that deep, deep down, under his handsome facade he was actually a huge troll. Just like him. Perfect.

He was relieved that Daichi left with Suga. Now he wouldn’t sabotage the thing between him and the Pretty Boy. Why was he so opposed anyway?

Probably he was just jealous because Oikawa didn’t want him. Or he was just too boring to understand this immediate emotional connection between them.

Now Tooru was washing off the facial mask off his skin with tender moves. So nice.

“Your hands feel so good on me” he murmured just so Oikawa would hear.

“You know if you would let me test some other things on you, you could feel them everywhere” Oikawa whispered into his ear.

“I’m very open to this kind of offers if they involve you.”

Oikawa’s smile was straight out of a toothpaste commercial. But with more true satisfaction. Beautiful.

Bokuto yelled something about the dog in the background and that reminded Kuroo of his secret mission.

“By the way…” he started in a seemingly indifferent tone. “You know Akaashi Keiji, right?”

Oikawa suddenly slapped him with a cloth he used to remove the remaining bits of the mask from his face. So brutal. So strong. So hot. Kuroo started wondering if he would be so aggressive in bed too.

“So rude!” he whined, turning his head away in an over-dramatic gesture. “First you flirt with me but it’s all because you want to ask me about some other guy? Mean, Kuroo-chan!”

“Jealous, hon?” he grinned.

“Shut up. So mean.”

“Don’t worry your pretty head. I’m asking because Bokuto thinks he’s the love of his life but they talked like… once.”

Oikawa looked back at him with a corner of his eye and crooked his head in a really cute way.

“Seriously? Xeno will be heartbroken. Look how cute they are together.”

Tru dat. Bokuto didn’t let go of the dog since they entered the apartment. And the dog liked him as well judging by how he frantically tried to lick Bokuto’s ears just now.

“Well, at least he won’t try to steal your dog. So tell me. Akaashi?”

“Sorry, I can’t set them up.” Oikawa shrugged. “Akaashi banned me from doing that after I set him up with Suga, about a year ago. It was a failure.”

“I have to say… Weird.”

“They are both too perfect. It’s just too much. Anyway now Akaashi doesn’t trust me with his dating life.”

“You know, Bokuto has the most awkward crush. Just tell him something personal about Akaashi and you will be his hero forever.”

Oikawa analyzed Bokuto. Kuroo knew something good was coming. It was Oikawa after all.

“Hey, Bokuto” he said finally. “You know, actually I think I saw these owl socks somewhere before. Hmm… Where could it be?” he pondered a little for a better effect. “Oh, I know! On Akaashi.”

Bokuto looked as if his heart stopped for a moment or two. And then as if he was walking on the rainbow. His smile lit up the entire room.

“REALLY?!”

“Yes.”

“OH MY GOD THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER.”

“Good enough?” Oikawa asked Kuroo.

“Yup. Just wait a little bit before the next one, I don’t want him to get a heart attack.”

“That’s nice, you know. That you care about your friend and you want to help him.”

“He’s not just my friend” Kuroo seemed almost offended. “He is my True Bro. MY SOUL-BRO. But I’m happy that it scores me some points with you” he grinned again.

They flirted a little bit more. Oikawa was a cool guy, he told Bokuto what kind of coffee and food Akaashi liked. He washed their hair and put some strange stuff on it.

And that’s when things became magical.

For the first time, their hair was obeying. It was sticking anyway they wanted it to. Up, down, right, left, strange angles, it didn’t matter. No weird gels or sprays, it was obeying just like that. And it was soft and shiny.

“Dude. Make this stuff for us. I’m ordering a lifelong supply. This is awesome. You are a cosmetic wizard.”

Oikawa blushed.  

“I just really care about hair” he muttered.

Smart. Modest. Sexy. And blushing in a very cute way. There was no way Kuroo was leaving this guy alone now.

So when Oikawa decided to actually make them some hair mask to go and went to his room to get ingredients, Kuroo followed him.

When he entered, he gasped in disbelief. Of course Oikawa had to have some weird-ass secret. He was too awesome to be real after all.

“Oh no, you should have not seen this!” Oikawa looked terrified when he realized Kuroo actually followed him and tried to push him outside.

The whole room was painted like space. Dark walls and ceiling with small shining stars all over it. And aliens. Aliens everywhere. Pillows, blankets, figurines and the lamp was a Death Star. A FUCKING DEATH STAR. Oikawa was a nerd. But apparently a devoted and cool nerd. He had an open laptop with Steam on it, some high level account. And he had a gaming mouse next to it. A fucking gaming mouse. Kuroo was in heaven.

He did the only thing that came to his mind. He grabbed Oikawa, pulled him closer and kissed him. And God, Oikawa was a good kisser.

Unfortunately Suga decided that it was a good moment to take revenge.

“Tooru, behave! No indecency under my roof!” he scolded, crossing his arms and lifting his eyebrows.

Oikawa pulled away slowly. Kuroo got a strangely familiar feeling. It was just like being cockblocked by his mother in high school.

“You have no power over me, Suga-chan.”

“No, but I have ways to sabotage certain things, especially since I just took a picture of this.”

“Suga-chan, that’s it. You’re not Suga-chan anymore to me. I’m changing you to ‘Devil-chan’ on my phone.”

“Whatever.” Suga waved him off. “Just grab the stuff, and I do not mean my soon to be adopted child, but your ingredients. Come on, quick.”

“Fine, fine” Oikawa sighed.

Kuroo helped him carry the boxes to the living room. When they placed them on the ground there was an all too familiar steam sound from Suga’s laptop.

“Oh, look, Tooru!” Suga exclaimed, clearly moved. “Ushiwaka is playing Mass Effect! Probably so he can finally talk to you about your space boyfriend Garrus! I love the way he always wants  to be closer to you, it’s so cute! Shame you don’t want him.”

“What?” Oikawa was clearly surprised. “How do you know what he’s playing?”

Suga was even more surprised.

“Because it’s steam. It just… shows.”

“WHAT?”

Kuroo was starting to get a bad feeling. Something was off about Oikawa’s reaction. Not just off. Terribly off.

“You can know what your friends are playing?” Tooru seemed completely stunned. “How?”

“OMG, Tooru, how do you even use Steam? Of course you can stalk people with it.”

“WHAT?!”

“Please tell me you knew” Kuroo interrupted, turning alarmingly pale. “Please tell me that you are joking right now.”

“I mean, I added Ushiwaka and Suga as friends because they asked me to but I never put much thought to it….”

“SHOW ME YOUR LAPTOP!” Kuroo demanded.

“Kuroo-chan! Don’t be so aggressive.”

“Please, show me your laptop. NOW.”

“Fine.”

Oikawa brought the laptop. He clicked a few times.

“See? I can’t see the games that they are playing or anything.”

“Click the profile” Kuroo ordered pointing authoritatively at the screen.

Suddenly everything was there. The games, the hours played, the badges, even the achievements.

“Oh” Oikawa said nervously, surprised and slightly embarrassed.

Kuroo hid his face in his hands. Life was so hard. Why was life so hard?

“So… I can stalk my friends?” Oikawa asked with fascination.

“Yes. You can enable notifications when they are playing too, change settings and…” Bokuto took over explaining still holding Xeno in his arms, since Kuroo was partially dead as for now. But he stopped mid-sentence just staring at Oikawa’s screen.

“And what?” Oikawa examined the screen, absorbing the newly acquired information.

“ Your… your account name” Bokuto said pointing at the top part of the screen. “Your account is called ‘Xenomorph will eat you’. Is… Is that why…?”

“ Why what?” Oikawa asked again, but he shifted nervously on his chair.

“Xenomorph will eat you” Bokuto repeated as if this explained everything. “Xenomorph. Xeno. Morph.”

Kuroo suddenly knew where it was going. He looked up from his hand in disbelief just to see Oikawa growing visibly more uncomfortable by the second.

“You named your dog… After a monster from ‘Alien’?!” he asked.

“And what if I did?” Oikawa said defensively, crossing his arms. “Besides. For your information it is a very cool monster! And an alien!”

Kuroo and Bokuto looked at each other shortly, with an understanding that required no words.

“THAT IS…”

“THE COOLEST NAME EVER!”

Bokuto lifted Xeno up in the air and let out a series of shrieks and hisses that were probably supposed to be a very poor impression of the original monster. They watched him for a few seconds.

“Wait” Kuroo woke up. “Show me your games. NOW.”

Oikawa’s level wasn’t high after all, it must have had been just the light in the room that made him misjudge it but he didn’t mind. After all it’s not the level you should care about, but it gave him a bad feeling. And it got worse. So much worse. Fine, Oikawa had a few games. Fine, some of them were good. But. The most played. The most achievements. The most hours and everything. Was called Farming Simulator 17.

“You. Played Farming Simulator.” he started, trying to keep his cool, but his voice was shaking a little. “For… 482 hours. Four fucking hundred eighty two freaking hours?!”

“Screw you! It’s a good game!”

“And what the hell is with your mouse?! You can’t even control it! It’s spinning all over the place!”

“It’s a new mouse, okay?! I need to learn how to control it.”

Kuroo was really hoping that even though he had magical hair right now, he would wake up and it would turn out that this whole situation was just a nightmare.

“It’s a fucking gaming mouse! Download a god damn controller for it and adjust the dpi!”

“Adjust the what?!”

“THE SPEED!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Oh. Nice. I didn’t know I could do that. I actually bought it because it was glowing in the dark. Suited my room décor, you know.” he seemed not to notice the look on Kuroo’s face even though Bokuto looked at him with his eyes wide open in terror. “Actually… what’s the difference between a gaming mouse and a normal one? Apart from you know, glowing in the dark thing?” Oikawa said in a very naïve way.

That was it. That was the final trigger that made Kuroo snap.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!” he yelled, standing up rapidly and grabbing his unusually sleek hair in bewilderment, almost ripping it off his skull. “I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE IN THIS GOD DAMN THING! You bought a fucking gaming mouse for god knows how much because IT GLOWED IN THE DARK?! FUCK. SHIT. DAMN. BITCH. CUNT. AND FUCK AGAIN.” He took a deep breath to compose himself. “Well, bitch, let me fucking enlighten you! So first of fucking all, the gaming mice have a set of additional functions that most "normal" mice don't. They come with additional software that lets you customize and use those fucking functions.” He was now walking back and forth in front of them as he explained. “All or almost all gaming mice have multiple dpi levels which are responsible for the mouse sensitivity. In noob language:” he shot a deadly glare at Oikawa who seemed completely taken aback by this sudden rant. “you can change how fast the mouse moves on the screen when you move it on your table. Usually the more professional the mouse, the more dpi levels it recognizes… So it doesn’t fly all over your fucking screen like a fucking cunt LIKE YOURS DOES.

SECONDLY, a lot of gaming mice have additional buttons to which you can assign certain functions if you have the software. For example my mouse has 11 buttons or so. Yours has 8.” He really tried to ignore the look of surprise on Oikawa’s face, praying to all the gaming gods that it wasn’t because he hadn’t realized that before. “Of course you don't have to use them exclusively for gaming.

THIRDLY, some of the mice, especially the more expensive ones let you customize the weight of the mouse. You will get a set of special weights when you buy it and you can put them in or out of the mouse if you want it heavier or lighter.

And LASTLY, although that is BY FAR not the rule, a lot of them look fancy. Some even shine.” He shot a disgusted look at Oikawa’s mouse. “And just by the fucking way, the software also lets you change the color of the light in some cases. Just saying. And of course the gaming mice are usually more accurate and of higher quality than the regular ones.”

He stopped just because he was out of breath.

“Oh, okay… thanks” Oikawa said, smiling innocently.

Kuroo collapsed on the couch.

“I wanna die, bro” he confessed to Bokuto.

“Bro, don’t worry. You flirted with him in a good faith” Bokuto consoled him, petting his hair and even Xeno tried to show his support by licking Kuroo’s right ear from Bokuto’s arms.

“No, bro. I made out with him. And I liked it. I wanna die so bad now, bro. Will you bury me? I want to be buried. In a nice grave, with a nice coffin and wearing a nice suit. Or maybe the sweatpants with cats. You think Dadchi would allow that in memory of his early deceased child? Anyway, don’t let Suga salt and burn me.”

“I won’t, bro. You will have a beautiful funeral with cat sweatpants. And I won’t invite Oikawa unless he brings Akaashi with him.”

“Hey!” Oikawa demanded attention. “I kind of killed him, don’t you think I deserve invitation?!”

“Only if you bring Akaashi.”

Kuroo wanted to die so fucking bad. And suddenly he felt really grateful that Suga cockblocked him no longer than half an hour ago.


	11. In which Iwaizumi is searching for a proper sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! If it makes it better I really had fun during my two weeks off ;)
> 
> This chapter is sort of quiet (boring!) compared to the other ones but I think it was needed. We'll be back to crazy next week.  
> (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

**SUGA**

Suga threw Kuroo and Bokuto out and kissed Daichi goodbye. They didn’t get any more cake. Not only because they broke his best friend. Not because Oikawa needed the cake more.

It was because Oikawa hoarded all the cake and guarded it like a wild animal. And Xeno was helping him.

“Don’t try to take away my cake, Suga-chan! If you do Xeno will eat you! I was training him!”

Dog barked quietly agreeing with his master.

“You can eat all the cake you want, Tooru. What do you say we do ‘Alien’ marathon today? Xeno should know after what he was named.”

“Suga… Tell your boy toy to buy me alcohol. Lots of alcohol.”

“Vodka? Whiskey?”

“Absinth.”

“Of course. Would you like to have some apple juice to go with it?”

Oikawa nodded. Suga called. Daichi was on his way. Suga really liked the feeling that he could depend on him. Normally he was the one people depended on. Just like Oikawa did now.

“I love you, Koushi-chan. You are the best. But your adopted kids are the worst.”

Suga approached him cautiously, careful not to sit on the cake. He hugged Tooru tightly to his chest. A few seconds later he got a confirmation that he read the situation right. Oikawa sobbed against his T-shirt.

He was so going to disown Kuroo. And not only that. He will make Daichi take away all his stickers. Every single one.

“Why does no one want me, Koushi-chan?” Oikawa sobbed only a bit dramatically which meant the situation was really serious. “ I’m not ugly. And Kuroo was so cool.”

“Just a bad coincidence, sweetie. And you still have huge chances with Iwaizumi, remember?”

“He doesn’t care. I tried. Two weeks, Koushi. Two weeks I’m texting him every day, I meet him every second day and what do I get? Confused looks. Great. He’s just coming over because he likes Xeno not me. And he’s mean.”

“Tooru, two days ago you were sure that soon you will go on a date with him. Don’t give up.”

“It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. I will die alone!” Tooru whined.

“You won’t you will find yourself someone awesome. You’ll see.” Suga ensured him patiently.

“You are the awesome one. I should have flirted with you when you moved in. You were so cute Suga. Imagine, we could have already been married! Marry me, Suga!”

“I can’t. I will marry Daichi.”

“That bastard. He promised me he wouldn’t propose yet but he clearly lied.”

“He didn’t propose. We just talked about it a lot.”

“You two are crazy. Why am I friends with crazy people? And you know what’s funny? Not only normal people don’t want to date me but guess what? Neither do the crazy ones!”

Suga sighed. It would be long day, he thought.

Actually I was not a day. It took whole three days to get Oikawa to a state of relative “betterness”. Just relative.

Three days after the… EVENT Oikawa crawled from underneath the blankets and his alien plushies and managed to go to kitchen by himself to eat more cake and brew himself a coffee.

On day four he considered going to a lecture. He even got as far as the stairs before deciding that he didn’t want to.

On the day six he actually went out and had a dinner with Suga in his favorite restaurant.

Finally, on day seven, when Suga was starting to consider more radical solutions, Oikawa decided that there was a hope for him to live a normal life and find a boyfriend in a foreseeable future. He started going to lectures and working again. He also finally texted Iwaizumi back.

For the whole week the man was texting him every hour. Seemingly worrying about the dog but really it was more about Oikawa and Suga knew it. Pity Tooru refused to realize that.

The next morning, on day eight, when they were having breakfast, Tooru made an announcement.

“Suga-chan. Iwa-chan wants to check on Xeno tomorrow. And tomorrow I will force him into a date-like situation with me.”

“Just please, don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work” Suga advised. “He’s a tough case.”

“I know.” Oikawa nodded seriously. “But at least I know that he’s mean. Not like Kuroo. He took me by surprise. That little shit backstabbed me.”

“He’s being punished for that, Tooru. I took away his stickers.”

“I know. Your boyfriend’s mother still likes him but likes me more so she stopped giving him food. Now Bokuto is sharing with him so they are both starving.”

Actually, Suga took pity on them and cooked a little when visiting Daichi. But Oikawa didn’t need to know that. After all, Suga aspired to be a good mother so he couldn’t just completely stop caring about his children, could he? Of course not.

“So what did you plan for Iwaizumi-sensei?” he changed the subject. A shadow of an old, smooth smile showed up on Oikawa’s face.

 

**IWAIZUMI**

A week. Oikawa stopped answering his texts a week ago. What the hell was that?!

In the beginning he didn’t notice. Usually it was Oikawa texting him not the other way around.

But after a day and a half he felt a weird lack of creepy emojis in his life. Why would Oikawa stop texting him? Maybe he was busy. Or maybe…

Shit. He should be relieved. It would help him with his inner conflict. He should just forget about that arrogant asshole and focus on his work. The pile of medical records on his desk was starting to reach an alarming size.

Instead he picked up his phone and asked Oikawa when should he check up on Xeno.

No response for hours. What the hell?

He sent few more messages next day, seemingly caring about the dog. Not that he didn’t care about Xeno, he was one of his favorite animals of all time at this point. But Oikawa on the other hand…

He was actually worried. Then at the gym a very strange thing happened. He was exercising while listening to his favorite workout playlist, mostly including Madonna. It was during the _Material Girl_ when an enlightenment came to him. It was like a sign from heaven. Oikawa was a material girl. Well, boy. He needed a present.

He spent all night online, browsing websites of pet stores and looking for a suitable gift (he felt like ‘sacrifice’ would be a better word but he didn’t want to admit that). Finally he found a nice dog leash for Xeno with fake diamonds all over it. It’s not like he would go buy real diamonds for Oikawa. He didn’t acknowledge his caring that much. Not yet at least.

Two days later he sent a picture of the leash to Oikawa and asked when to drop it off. No answer.

On day seven Iwaizumi’s  mind started going to a really dark places. What if Oikawa got back together with his sugar daddy? What if Oikawa found a handsome rich man that was better at tolerating him than Iwaizumi? What if…

He didn’t sleep at all that night. It was terrible. He sent 10 more texts to Oikawa.

And then day eight came. Oikawa texted him in the afternoon.

 **Trashykawa** : Hi, Iwa-chan. Sorry! Busy week.

 **Trashykawa** : ｡.*:・’ﾟ:。'(((＋_＋)))｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’･ﾟ

 **Trashykawa** : Wanna meet tmrw?

 **Iwa-chan** : Screw you, Trashykawa. Are you ok?

 **Trashykawa** : 乁║ ˙ 益 ˙ ║ㄏ

 **Iwa-chan** : Stop. You know I don’t understand your emoji-talk.

 **Trashykawa** : Okay this was maybe too difficult 4 u

 **Trashykawa** : 乁▐ * ◖ ‸ ◗ * ▐ㄏ

 **Iwa-chan** : Still no idea

 **Trashykawa** : C’mon it was easy!

 **Trashykawa** : Fine: Meh. Kind of okay.

 **Trashykawa** : Meet me tomorrow?

 **Iwa-chan** : Just tell me what time. But I have to go to work at 4, I have a late shift.

 **Trashykawa** : In front of my building at 1? We can take Xeno for a walk.

Oikawa didn’t want him in his apartment? Since when? Boyfriend, he thought. Definitely. Oikawa got himself a boyfriend when Iwaizumi was to conflicted about liking him. Shit.

Or the great return of The Cake Sugar Daddy.

 **Iwa-chan** : Sure. You don’t want me to come upstairs and get you?

Well, now it was official. He was truly pathetic.

 **Trashykawa** : Awww, Iwa-chan you don’t want to make me want outside? Okay, you can pick me up, like a proper date ৲( ᵒ ૩ᵕ )৴♡*৹

Oh. A date. Oikawa said date. It sounded like teasing and a joke but still. He wanted to go on a date with that piece of trash so badly he hated himself for it. And he hated Oikawa for saying that word so lightly.

 **Iwa-chan** : Shut your trash can, Trashykawa.

 **Trashykawa** : So?

 **Iwa-chan** : So what?

 **Trashykawa** : You know what (*˒ ̖˰̊ ̗˓*)

He had no fucking idea what the hell that emoji was. Or what was coming. But he knew he hated it already.

 **Iwa-chan** : -.-

 **Trashykawa** : OMG IWA-CHAN YOU CAN USE EMOJI!!! IWA-CHAN <3 <3 <3

 **Trashykawa** : ～(^з^)-♡

 **Trashykawa** : I am really happy now.

 **Thrashykawa** : But don’t think you will distract me that easily

 **Trashykawa** : So?

 **Iwa-chan** : I srly have no idea what are you talking about?

 **Trashykawa** : Oh you know.

 **Trashykawa** : But I will phrase it properly if you insist.

 **Trashykawa** : Do you want it to be a date, Iwaizumi-sensei? ( ˘ ³˘)♥

Iwaizumi threw his phone into the darkest corner of the room and didn’t look at it even to set an alarm for the next morning. He even found batteries for his old alarm clock so he would not have to touch his phone.

And of course Oikawa cost him another night of proper sleep. And he knew well that it wouldn’t be the last.

But still the next day, he came to Oikawa’s apartment.

“Hi, Iwa-chan. Long time no see.”

“And whose fault is that?”

Oikawa looked good. Even better than usual. He must have put a lot of effort into picking up clothes and accessories. Even light blue socks were the same color as his west. And he wore a necklace. And a small bracelet. He was far too dressed up for a date in a park.

SHIT. _WALK_ in the park not a _date_. _WALK_. Just a walk.

Oikawa maybe looked a little pale. Which could mean also that he was very pale because Oikawa looked like a guy who would mask it with a ton of makeup. And maybe dark circles under his eyes were a showing a little? Hard to say, he did a good job covering it up.

“Are you ready?” he asked Oikawa.

Good. He controlled himself. He almost said “You look pretty” instead.

“Yup! I just need to dress Xeno up.”

“Oh, wait! I got him a something!”

He actually gave that leash to Oikawa. He brought a present on a what could be a date and actually gave it. And Oikawa looked so happy about it. Like he wanted to kiss Iwaizumi now. And Iwaizumi wanted it so bad. Almost as much as he wanted to run away.

Oikawa was dressed in a vest for a walk with a dog on a diamond leash. So posh. So fancy. So terrible. So attractive.

They walked around the park for an hour. It made Iwaizumi understand that Oikawa was popular. Constantly there were people waving at him, saying ‘hi’ and girls screaming. He hated Oikawa even more. And also it just shattered his security. Not only didn’t Oikawa speak with him for a week, he had a LIFE. It was just a matter of time before Oikawa would get a real boyfriend and this whole thing with Iwaizumi would become a thing of the past.

He should be happy. He wasn’t. It fell really hard on his mind.

Oikawa grabbed his arm at one point.

“Iwa-chan! I’m hungry. Would you like to have a lunch with me?”

He wanted to decline. He didn’t.

They ended up in a garden at some fancy café near Oikawa’s university.

“Actually, I work here.”

Of course.

“And I’m one of the best baristas they have so I have like ninety percent of the discount. Today one hundred because Ushiwaka is in charge of the shift.”

“Your friend?” Iwaizumi asked.

“Something like that. He was in love with me for five years? Maybe more. I think he still is.”

Oikawa was a cruel, shallow boy. He talked about love like it was nothing and it was clear that he treated the other guy badly. Iwaizumi definitely should not find it hot but he still did and he hated himself for it almost as much as he hated Oikawa.

They talked a little more until a waiter came. Cute boy, small, pretty, innocent looking. This should be the guy Iwaizumi was falling for. Not that asshole that was trying to decide between coffee and rum milkshake with salty chocolate covered coffee beans and something that Iwaizumi couldn’t even pronounce. What did he do in the past life to deserve such a terrible taste in men?

“Oikawa” waiter said. “A date?”

Oikawa actually blushed. So cute.

Shut up, heart. Listen to BRAIN. And brain says restrain yourself that man will make you suffer even more than he already does if you let him get close.

“Hi, Rabu-chan. Will you get me the coffee and rum milkshake? And the fancy salad? Ushiwaka will know which one.”

Poor Rabu-chan rolled his eyes.

“Unfortunately Ushijima told me that I have to give you whatever you want. And what do you order?” he asked Iwaizumi.

“Just americano. And maybe… this spring salad looks nice.”

“Okay. Enjoy your date.”

That was… cold. Oikawa noticed that Iwaizumi was a little weirded out.

“Oh, don’t mind Rabu-chan. He’s in love with Ushiwaka so he hates me.”

“Why not help him? After all you don’t want that… Ushiwaka, right?”

He hoped that Oikawa wouldn’t notice the jealously in his voice. That would be unfortunate.

“It’s… complicated with Ushikawa. We are still figuring out how to be friends after we tried being together a couple weeks ago. It’s too early to ship him and Shirabu for him as well as for me. As much I hate to admit that.”

He shouldn’t be surprised or jealous. But still he was. In general he shouldn’t feel anything, after all he should not care about Oikawa. But there he was, at this table, wanting to get up, go to this Ushiwaka and yell to his face that Oikawa was his now. Which also would not be entirely true. But he wanted to state that claim really badly. Almost as much as he wanted to check if Oikawa’s hair was as soft as it looked.

Suddenly something occurred to him.

“Wait. Is he the cake guy?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh. So you don’t have an ex sugar daddy. Good to know.”

Oikawa opened his eyes wide.

“What?!”

“Nothing.”

“IWA-CHAN, SO MEAN!”

Iwaizumi just smiled.  It was nice sitting like this with Oikawa. The table was parting them so there he didn’t have to fight the urge to touch him so much as he did when they shared the couch in the apartment. And Oikawa was smart and funny. Very narcissistic and demanded a lot of attention but hell. It made him so attractive. Iwaizumi decided to enjoy the lunch and don’t fight his feelings so much today. After all he spent a whole week without this annoying prat and not only did he have time to recover from their last meetings he also started missing him  terribly.

Apparently it made Oikawa happy. He was constantly smiling. It was a beautiful smile. Like from a toothpaste commercial. Probably because some expensive whitening toothpaste was involved. Because seriously who the hell has teeth naturally so white? Probably the toothpaste cost more than this meal.

And that reminded him that he actually didn’t pay for the meal. Oikawa was treacherous little shit. He just bought him a lunch. Kind of. Wow.

 Iwaizumi tried not to think about how much it was a date and ordered one more coffee. It was exquisite. Almost as good as the ones Oikawa used to brew him only a week ago.

Sad truth was  that Oikawa ruined him for all the normal coffees. Oikawa’s coffee was just too good to forget. All the coffees tasted bad in comparison to Oikawa’s.

And Iwaizumi had a feeling that the coffee was just the beginning.


	12. In which an intergalactic alliance is formed and the universe is doomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments! And kudos! It's so nice to know that people like and care about this fic!

**Daichi**

„Suga…” Daichi started but stopped because got distracted by the smell of food Suga was now preparing. “You are an angel. An actual godsent angel. I love you so much. So, so much.”

Suga smiled and kissed him tenderly. Eventually

 “You only love me for my cooking skills” he teased.

“You know that’s not true!”

And they were kissing. Again. Daichi forgot all about the thing that he wanted to ask Suga.

“Bro! Don’t go to the kitchen, mom and dad are gross again!” he heard Kuroo warning Bokuto.

“Kuroo, we need dad to do gross things to mom and keep mom happy” Bokuto explained. “Or else we won’t get food. Because apparently you made out with our other mom’s favorite kid and now we have to starve!”

“You don’t have to remind me. He comes to me in my dreams. And it’s fine because I still think part of him is awesome but then.” Suga heard him suspend his voice for a more dramatic effect. “He asks about the mouse. And that’s when it all turns into a nightmare.”

“I know. I feel your pain.”

Suga slowly pushed Daichi away.

“Daichi, I love our kids but hearing them when we make out is a little bit creepy” he admitted quietly.

“We should get married and get new kids. We could raise them better. Together.”

“DADCHI! WE CAN HEAR YOU! AND WE WON’T FORGIVE YOU!” Kuroo yelled from the living room.

“MINUS ONE STICKER, BOTH OF YOU!” he yelled back.

They got quitter but the whispers could still be heard. Suga chuckled.

“I love you, Daichi. You really are my dream daddy” he kissed him again. “But now I need to finish teriyaki. Do you want to help me?”

“Better not. I would start a fire.”

“Good thing we have a fireman at home. Come on, I will give something easy” Suga insisted.

“But it  has to be really easy. Like kindergartener lever easy” he finally agreed.

Suga gave him a bowl. A small bowl of stone to be precise. With sesame inside. And a stone stick. WHAT. THE. HELL. Actual stone stick in a stone bowl.

“What the hell is that?” he asked in bewilderment, not sure what to do with those mysterious utensils. “How did it come to my place? What happened here? Did your roommate  finally got his hands on some alien technology? Why did you give me a bowl of stone?”

“I bought it. I thought it could be useful since I spend so much time cooking here.”

“But WHAT IS THAT?”

“A mortar.”

“No.” Daichi shook his head. “A mortar is a weapon. I saw in Kuroo’s games.”

“This is also a mortar. It is used for grinding.”

Daichi ran out of the ways to phrase his confusion. Mortar? Grinding? And how the hell was that even related to sesame?

“Just grab the pestle and hit softly the ball with it to crush the sesame. Just push, Daichi. Nothing hard.”

“Pestle?”

“Stone stick.”

Suga was changing his life every day.

Daichi’s unasked question was long forgotten until a few hours later.

**Mother** : SAWAMURA DAICHI, STOP BEING DISRESPECTFUL. FOUR HOURS AGO YOU TOLD ME YOU WILL GO TO THE KITCHEN AND ASK HIM. FOUR HOURS. WHO MAKES HIS OWN MOTHER WAIT SO LONG FOR A RESPONSE? YOU ARE A DISGRACE.

**Mother** : I should have asked one of you roommates. Or Tooru. Tooru is such a sweet boy, he would have answered me immediately.

The fear of authority almost made Daichi ask right away. But Sam and Dean were right now killing monsters on the screen and Suga was really into it so Daichi decided to wait until there would be a less dramatic scene. That’s when he paused and asked.

“Suga, sorry to interrupt but I was supposed to ask you something a few hours ago…”

“What, Daichi?” Suga looked at him curiously.

“So… As you know my mom kind of got us together and now she wants to see ‘the effects of her labor’. Would you meet her for a dinner? Maybe tomorrow?”

“Sure. But I work tomorrow, so maybe on Sunday?”

“That would be great.” Daichi was relieved. A part of him was expecting that Suga would freak out.

“And, Daichi… I think we should make it big. Invite Kuroo and Bokuto so she will take pity on them and maybe she’ll start bringing them food again. And she’ll see that I will be a good mother for her grandchildren.”

“You are so smart” Daichi awed.

“And we should invite Oikawa too.”

“NO” that was a definite answer.

He would not risk any Kuroo/Oikawa situation again. Or anything similar. Those two together have proven that it was too dangerous for them to be in one room together not only for the environment but also for themselves.

“He’s better now, Daichi. And he’s dating someone.”

Daichi knew that pretty boys like Oikawa changed boyfriends quickly but still he was surprised.

“Wasn’t he devastated a week ago? And he has a boyfriend now? How?”

“He’s not his boyfriend. But they went out and are planning on going on multiple dates. That’s how Oikawa phrases it.”

“Poor guy” Daichi sighed.

“Restrain your hate, Daichi, it’s my best friend you’re talking about.”

At times like this it was really disturbing how much Suga could resemble his mother.

“Yes, Suga.” he said obediently.

“What matters is that Oikawa won’t flirt with Kuroo. And it looks like he already forgave him. Kuroo is still pretty hung on the mouse but we can just order him not to mention it. He’ll understand since the food is at stake here.”

“Yes, Suga.”

“And we’re using my kitchen. Yours in too empty to prepare food for such an amazing cook as your mother. And I want to impress her.”

“So your place at 4 pm, Sunday?”

“Exactly.”

 

**2 pm on Sunday – Daichi**

Daichi got back home from a morning shift. Morning shifts weren’t exactly so bad, they were the most calm ones. Because who literally starts a fire a 8 am? Students who want but can’t make scrambled eggs usually had done it by 4 am and wouldn’t start again before noon.

It was so quiet. Way more quiet than the afternoon shifts and, god forbid, evening shifts. Dinners and parties. The worst.

But still, it was a morning shift. And mornings weren’t exactly a pleasant thing. That’s why all he wanted was to shower quickly and take an hour nap before having to face his mother.

But there she was. On his couch again, laughing loudly with Kuroo and Bokuto.

“There you are! Finally. Boys were just telling about the day Suga took them on a trip to burn a few of your ugly shirts! I think he and I, we’ll get along well.”

“Yeah, I think so too” he sighed. “Mom,  can I just go to sleep? Wake me up in an hour.”

“No way, Daichi. Tooru told me that your sneakers, the ones that you wore when boys went to help Tooru with his experiment, have holes in them. Multiple holes. Daichi. This cannot be. Show me.”

How? Right. He  thought about dressing up for Oikawa. Suga insisted that Kuroo would check on his clothes before heading out. After so many trials he was just happy that Kuroo accepted what he was wearing and he had just put on the first shoes he could find without asking Kuroo for permission. Now he knew. He should have. It was a mistake. A huge mistake.

“How did he even notice? I took them off quickly and he had eyes only for Kuroo…’s ‘Catronaut’ T-shirt.”

The smile on Kuroo’s face looked disturbingly murderous so Daichi disappeared from his line of sight to look for the shoes.

Oikawa was right. There were seven holes. Mother forced him to throw them away.

What a waste. Those were perfectly good shoes. So comfortable.

To hell with his mother and Oikawa. He had lost his shoes.

 

**2 pm on Sunday – Suga**

Suga came back from shopping. The bags were heavy so he put them on the kitchen counter. Oikawa, always interested in new toys, emerged from his room.

“I see bags, Koushi-chan. What did you buy? Something fun? What, what?”

“Some stuff for our little party. A few ingredients for your fancy coffees, wine, gummy bears for Bokuto and…”

Oikawa was already looking through the bags.

“Maple syrup! Chocolate stars that stupid Ushiwaka forgot to put on the awesome cake he baked for us! Oh my God, are those napkins with a galaxy pattern? I love you so much Koushi, you are my best friend. I love you so much!”

Suga received a well-deserved hug but then Oikawa jumped back to the bags.

“Butter, I know that we ran out but it’s boring. Snacks for puppies, that’s thoughtful of you. Pasta and… what kind of weird coffee syrup is that. Oh my God, it’s not a syrup. It’s lube! And those are condoms! What on earth are they doing here, Suga-chan?!”

Oh no. Suga forgot to take them out before giving bags to Oikawa. He decided to screw with Tooru a little so he would deconcentrate and maybe find something else to be a drama queen about.

“Well, Tooru. Those have various purposes like…” he started in a mentoring tone.

“Don’t try, Koushi-chan! And I am so hurt now that I even don’t want to yell at you for being indecent.”

“Why the hell are you hurt by the condoms I bought?”

“I thought we were best friends! I love you so much and thought you loved me too! You even bought me galactic napkins! But you didn’t tell me you’re having sex with momma’s boy! I should be the first to know! Like immediately! Well, after him. He should know first that you too are having sex. I hope he knows. Because he looks like a guy who would tell his mom and his mom didn’t tell me!”

Suga smiled. Oikawa was so cute when he was so dramatic over nothing.

“I’m not sleeping with Daichi. But I want to, so bought them just in case.”

It was just amazing how Oikawa’s face changed in a few seconds. Shinny eyes looked at Suga with excitement.

“Really, Suga-chan?! This is so exciting!” he squealed like a ten years old girl.

 

**4 pm on Sunday – Daichi**

His new shoes were uncomfortable. Terribly uncomfortable. But he had to admit they were nice. He hoped that Oikawa would notice.  Because he was almost sure that Suga wouldn’t care. Oikawa was the one to let them in. There was a creepy smile on his pretty face. It was very disturbing. Like he knew something Daichi didn’t.

“Hi, Daichi, nice shoes. Kiyouko, did you choose them?”

“Of course I did!” she kissed Oikawa’s cheek as a welcome. “Oh, Tooru, I think your experiments on hair cosmetics are going amazing because you look absolutely stunning! Even better then you did three days ago!”

Daichi saw no difference. Pretty Boy was always pretty. Nothing changed. Well, one thing.

“Three days?” he repeated.

“We have lunches together quite often” Oikawa explained innocently.

“Don’t get jealous, Daichi. It’s childish.”

Meanwhile Bokuto and Kuroo were politely standing behind them. Because they knew that if they would intrude when Mrs. Sawamura was talking they could lose the food. And both of them had probably lost a kilo or two during the last week.

“Hi” Oikawa finally decided honor them with his attention. “Suga got you some gummy bears for dessert, Bokuto. And you!” he pointed at Kuroo accusingly. “I don’t trust you with my stuff. Don’t touch anything. You look like the type to try to exorcise me because of this mouse thing. Now sit here while me and Koushi-chan are finishing up.”

He left them alone in the living room.

“Maaaan” Kuroo whispered to Bokuto. “I still despise him for the mouse and everything but I have to admit he is really cool.”

“Bro. You have a serious problem.”

“I know. You think he will want to be a casual acquaintance with me? Should I ask him? I want an awesome casual acquaintance.”

“Casual sounds bad, Kuroo. Like casual dating or casual sex” Daichi advised seriously.

“Daichi, shut your romantic brain up for a minute, I want to make a friend!” Kuroo twitched his nose in disgust. “Not everything is about sex, you know?”

“You should try sending him memes with aliens. Or buy him an alien plushie. He loves them” Suga advised, entering the room. “Hello, Mrs. Sawamura. I’m Sugawara Koushi, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Hello, Suga. Thank you for putting up with my idiot son every day, I really appreciate that.” Daichi’s mother smiled warmly.

“Oh, it’s not so bad. I mean he can’t dress or cook but he has a kind heart, always so caring and…” Suga started but Daichi cut him off.

“You don’t need to, Suga. She won’t believe in any compliment you say about me.”

“Daichi!” both Suga and Daichi’s mother seemed outraged.

Kyouko patted the couch next to her, inviting Suga to sit.

“So, Suga, Tooru says you are quite a smart boy. Studying to be a veterinarian with good grades but also smart enough to handle Kuroo and Bokuto and wrap Daichi around your little finger.”

“He didn’t…!” Daichi protested but his mother shushed him.

“Don’t argue, boy! And do not disturb me now, this is important. So, Suga, I know well that you won’t exactly tell me the truth about you and Daichi and I do not expect that. However there is another topic that deeply interests me that you seem to know a lot about.”

“I would be really glad to be of any help, Kyouko.”

“Well, wouldn’t you be a sweet son-in-law? Now, tell me, have you met this Iwa-chan that Tooru is going out with?”

“Yes, a few times.”

“Is he good enough for Tooru?”

Daichi felt so left out that he discretely left and joined Kuroo and Bokuto who were playing with the puppy in the corner of the room.

“I just cannot believe his full name is Xenomorph” stated Kuroo.

“Yeah, those things were pretty ugly weren’t they? And this little guy is a cute, small ball of fluffiness.”

“Don’t say that Xenomorphs are ugly in this apartment. He might hear” Daichi reminded them.

They nodded with understanding.

“By the way, Bokuto… Oikawa told me that Akaashi petted this dog too. So now you are indirectly touching or meta petting the dog or I don’t know. Just thought it would make you happy to know.”

Bokuto let out a weird, excited sound. But Daichi read it as a good sign. Especially since he was smiling like a cartoon character.

“Akaashi touched Xeno?! With his own hands?! THAT IS AWESOME!”

He held Xeno close to his chest.

“Daichi, watch your kids so they don’t strangle my dog!” yelled Oikawa. “And dinner is ready.”

Dinner was long with many courses. Daichi knew that Oikawa and Suga were good at cooking but they really outdid themselves this time. Daichi didn’t remember last time he ate this well and so did Kuroo and Bokuto.

Also his mother was warming up to Suga. It was obvious that now he was her second favorite kid. After Oikawa of course.

“You know, Suga, I don’t know why on Earth you want to go out with my son but I am happy you do”  she confessed.

“And I am happy that you will be my children’s grandmother” Suga answered.

“Bro, this is so touching, I’m almost crying” Bokuto whispered loudly enough for everyone to hear. He wasn’t exactly what you would call subtle after all. “Pretty boy, please, don’t tell Akaashi that I cry a lot.”

“Don’t worry. Akaashi won’t care, he barely knows that you exist” Oikawa said calmly.

“Oi!” Kuroo glared at him. “That was mean, don’t you think?”

“It’s a revenge. I’m still mad at you for being mean towards me.”

“Don’t take it out on him!”

“Your broship goes to the extent where you are basically one being, so hell yes, I will be mean to you. I can, so I will.”

Suddenly Kuroo finally realized why Daichi was so scared of Oikawa. That man’s power was something extraordinary. He took away his food. He took away his mom. He toyed with him. And now he was planning on hurting him in the worst way possible. By hurting his best bro. And Kuroo couldn’t help but actually admire that man. He would be an amazing evil character in a story. He would be bad but still people would love him more than the hero. The best kind. Amazing.

“He is really sensitive.” he said calmly. “Like a baby owl. Please, don’t hurt him.”

“Give me a reason not to.”

But that stunning villain, no matter how amazing he would be, didn’t know who he had run into. After all Kuroo had big plans for his acting career for a reason. He smiled, a seemingly warm and kind smile, but he could already see Daichi shifting uncomfortably on his chair at the sight of it.

“Well, Suga told us that you picked up your new boyfriend by saving a puppy” he said slowly, supporting his head on his hand in a seemingly relaxed pose. “So what do you think your new boy would think if he found out that you spend your Sundays torturing baby owls like some kind of a heartless monster?”

“You have no means to pull that off.” Oikawa’s voice was also calm and confident but for a short moment Kuroo saw a shadow of doubt in his eyes.

“Are sure about it, pretty boy?” his smile only got wider and more sinister.

They glared at each other for few seconds. Cold stares felt a lot like a duel. Everyone at the table remained silent, watching this wordless battle and awaiting its result. Oikawa was the one to break the silence.

“I approve of your existence, you sneaky hyena” he said, slowly bowing his head in acknowledgement. “You would make an amazing dark alien prince taking over the whole galaxy.”

“I admire your existence” Kuroo confessed with a wide smile that suddenly felt much less vicious than just a few seconds ago. “Especially the way you manipulate everyone around to just provide you with everything you want while making them feel like it’s you doing them a favor. Glorious, I dare to say.”

“We would both make fabulous conquerors of galaxies then.” Oikawa agreed, allowing himself a smile as well

“Indeed. Bokuto would come with us. As our general. Or jester. Whichever would be more suitable for him.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help a little giggle.

“Fine. But then Suga comes too and he will be our cook.” he demanded.

“Fine. And we will take over the whole galaxy.”

“Universe” Oikawa corrected.

“Universe” Kuroo agreed.

Everyone was listening for a while already, even Suga and Daichi’s mother stopped talking about life to hear this conversation. And now everyone felt how special that moment was. And no one wanted to disturb it.

“Oikawa” Kuroo said solemnly. “Will you be my friend? My ally?”

“Kuroo.” Oikawa said in a tone just as formal “I have a feeling that our awesomeness together will be even greater than the awesomeness that we have now separately. That is why yes, I would be honored and greatly pleased to become your friend and ally.”

“Bro” Kuroo whispered, moved.

“Tetsu-chan” Oikawa whispered back.

“How do you know my name?”

“I have superpowers, Tetsu-chan.”

“I should have known. You are awesome.”

“You are awesome too.”

Both men shared a long hug cementing their newly formed friendship. Daichi on the other hand couldn’t help but to feel that the universe has just been doomed.


	13. In which Iwaizumi gets himself a perfect housewife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly recommend to click on space boyfriends. And if the link isn't working, just google them.

When Oikawa got home from a shift at Shiratorizawa the apartment was empty. Normally he would be sad that he had been left alone. Suga was with Daichi and Iwaizumi had to work today. But right now he wasn’t lonely. Far from it. He had his little ball of fur that crawled from under the couch and ran towards him wagging its tail as much as it was physically possible.

Oikawa really loved this dog.

He took Xeno for a walk. Everyone they passed by had to stop to give them at least one love-full look because Xeno was indeed Oikawa’s dog and he had already developed an amazing skill to make everyone immediately enamored with him. Oikawa couldn’t be more proud.

However when they returned home, Tooru still had to figure out what to do this evening.

He scrolled through all of the party invitations on his facebook wall but since he was not in the mood, he just declined them all with a single click. He didn’t feel like watching X-Files either. Or movies in general.

 **Shittykawa** : You really can’t drop by? （♥￫ｏ￩♥）

 **Iwa-chan** : I told you. Work.

 **Shittykawa** : rly? Like rly rly?

 **Iwa-chan** : I work till 8 pm. Really.

 **Shittykawa** : But you can come over on your way back! You can live after 8 pm! You are still young and pretty, Iwa-chan! (´ゝз・)─☆

 **Shittykawa** : You can even sleep here, I won’t mind (♡´艸`)

 **Iwa-chan** : Great. I will finally see your room.

 **Shittykawa** : WAIT. NO. YOU CAN’T.

 **Shittykawa** : I just thought that it will be tiring so maybe you want me to come over. Me and Xeno will wait up for you like the perfect housewife you always wanted.

 **Iwa-chan** : You are just distracting me from the creepy fact that I was over at your place hundreds of times but you never showed me your room.

 **Shittykawa** : Fine. Think of me making you that awful tofu that you love in a cute apron. Want it to happen tonight or you will keep on talking about my room?

Iwaizumi didn’t respond for a few minutes. More than a few. Oikawa was actually staring to worry. Was the choice really that hard or he was just busy?

He still hadn’t told Iwaizumi about the aliens. Or pretty much anything. He pretended to be as perfect as he seemed to be. Most of the time he managed pull it off but sometimes one or two of the crazy bits surfaced from underneath the mask of absolute perfection. Sneaky bastards. But fortunately Iwaizumi was too blinded by his awesomeness to notice.

As much as he hated to say it out loud he was falling for this simple, mean Neanderthal and  he was dead scared that showing him his true face would scare him off.  It didn’t help that Iwaizumi was clearly still conflicted and undecided on the whole thing.

They went out a lot, they often met just to watch Xeno together and Oikawa openly called it dates. Iwaizumi did not oppose even once but never called it a date on his own.

And they never actually kissed. A few times he noticed Iwaizumi staring at his lips but he always looked away with a weird, sort of unpleasant expression. Oikawa tried to hold his hand once but it didn’t work out either because Iwaizumi immediately backed off.

But Oikawa really liked him. And decided that this time he wouldn’t give up this easily on the guy.

 **Iwa-chan** : Fine. I choose tofu. But don’t think I forgot about the room.

 **Shittykawa** : ♡⃛=͟͟͞͞꒰ˇ❝͋ुꈊ❝͋ुˇ꒱⁼³₌₃

 **Iwa-chan** : I will ask the old lady next door to open the door for you like last time. Please, be nice.

 **Iwa-chan** : And don’t you dare come without the dog.

 **Iwa-chan** : Or the apron.

 **Iwa-chan** : Shit. Delete that last one.

 **Shittykawa** : |✿´・ლ・`|

 **Shittykawa** : I look really cute in the apron. Feel free to look all you want if you are nice I might even let you touch（○゜ε＾○） 

 **Iwa-chan** : Shut up, Shittykawa.

 **Shittykawa** : Sorry for turning you on during work, Iwaizumi-sensei～(^з^)-♡

 **Iwa-chan** : I will ignore you from now on.

 **Shittykawa** : Nah, you won’t. I have a cute dog, can make your stinking tofu in a way that it actually has a taste and I already got you hooked up on my coffee. You need me in your life.

 **Shittykawa** : No escape. You just have to go out with me, Iwa-chan.

Silence. Was it too much? Oikawa hoped not. With Iwaizumi he never knew if he overstepped the boundaries until it was too late.

 **Iwa-chan** : Stop saying trash, Trashykawa. Just come over.

 **Shittykawa** : So mean, Iwa-chan! Fine. I’m getting my things. And the apron.

He gathered his things and a little bit more than half an hour him and Xeno were knocking on the door next to Iwaizumi’s holding a huge bag of tofu. He hated agedashi tofu. But Iwaizumi liked it so he had to bear.

The elderly lady opened the door.

“Hi, I’m…”

“Oh, you’re Iwaizumi-sensei’s boyfriend! He told me you would come over. I will open up.”

“He… called me his boyfriend?” Oikawa asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“Oh, sweetie… Unfortunately he didn’t. But the way he talks about you all the time I thought that you two are…?”

“We are! Well… Maybe. I’m working on it.”

“Well, I count on you. He always smiles when I bring you up. And he really should give you a spare key, lately you come over at least twice a week and you two can’t always count on me to open up! I have a life, you know!”

He chatted with her a little bit more. She had an old cat that Iwaizumi constantly visited so they knew each other pretty well. Of course she took liking to Oikawa. Oikawa was very charming after all.

He decided that he still had half an hour before he should start preparing the tofu so it was a good time to check up on his farm. He was about to turn on the farming simulator when his Steam flickered. A notification appeared. Certain K-cat wanted to be his friend. It did sound a little bit familiar.

Kuroo.

He accepted after a tiniest moment of hesitation. They decided to become friends after all.

Kuroo immediately messaged him.

 **K-cat** : Hi, Sugamama told me how to find you (*ΦωΦ*)

EMOJI. AN ACTUAL EMOJI. IT WAS GOING TO BE A GOOD FRIENDSHIP.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Good Koushi-chan. Say hi from me. Haven’t seen him since breakfast.

 **K-cat** : Can’t. He seems occupied.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3 : **Again? -.-

 **K-cat** : They’ve been doing that a lot lately. But I think Daichi is too embarrassed to have sex when someone else is home so it’s not so bad. Or at least could be worse.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Welp.

 **K-cat** : Let’s play a game. A GOOD game.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**:  I can’t now. I have to cook for my bf

 **K-cat** : Excuse you? You are the Lord of the Galaxy. You don’t have to do anything.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Awww Tetsu-chan (▰˘v˘▰)

 **K-cat** : Srly tho I am starving when Suga is not here

 **K-cat** : So cook for the man

 **K-cat** : He needs you

  **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: He actually cooks a little on his own

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: But I’m better

 **K-cat** : (ФДФ)

 **K-cat** : WHAT

 **K-cat** : A

 **K-cat** : WASTE

Oikawa chuckled. He really liked Kuroo.

 **K-cat** : Does he make you alien muffins?

 **K-cat** : Great now I want a muffin (=ΦÅΦ=)

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Nah I have other friend to make me alien muffins. He likes to watch things grow so he bakes muffins and cakes.

 **K-cat** : That seems awfully pervert.

 **K-cat** : Is he a pervert?

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Don’t know I hope not

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: He was in love with me for like 5 yrs so who knows what he did with my pictures

 **K-cat** : Alienbro, I feel so sorry for U

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Please. I can try not to think about it. He bakes for me, that’s all it counts. Well that and the fact that he gave me the best game ever made.

 **K-cat** : …farming simulator?

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: FARMING SIMULATOR 17!!!

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: ⁽⁽٩(๑˃̶͈̀ ᗨ ˂̶͈́)۶⁾⁾

 **K-cat: (** **ノ** **ಠ** **益** **ಠ** **)** **ノ彡** **┻━┻**

 **K-cat** : Deep down I hoped you would say Mass Effect, I saw your[ Garrus ](https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-06/26/16/enhanced/webdr05/anigif_enhanced-26291-1403815557-12.gif)blanket. I could accept it. Maybe not agree but at least accept. But you had to make it hard.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Will you yell at me again?

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Don’t yell at me again

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: I don’t like it

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: ｡ﾟ( ﾟஇ‸இﾟ)ﾟ｡

 **K-cat** : I won’t. Ever. Suga told us you are fragile and we can’t yell at you ever.

 **K-cat** : And Suga is a powerful man who cooks for us so I won’t risk getting him mad

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: My Suga <3

 **K-cat** : However. It can’t stay like that.

 **K-cat** : You will come over soon and stay for few hours. We will play good games. I will teach you what that means.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: Can I bring new facial masks and test them on you again?

 **K-cat** : Yes

 **K-cat** : Actually I am very pleased by how soft my skin was after the last one

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3**: I knew you would like it (｡ˇ艸ˇ)

 **K-cat** : And I am running out of your magical shampoo

 **K-cat** : |ΦωΦ|

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **I’ll make you more

 **K-cat** : (๑ↀᆺↀ๑)✧

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **Shit, my bf is coming soon I have to make him his awful tofu

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **How the hell can this terrible agedashi tofu be his favorite food? It has no taste and it’s so oily. Bleh.

 **K-cat** : Wow you really must love the guy if you think so but still you are making it

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **Shut up, he’s special

 **K-cat** : Is he dat handsome?

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **He’s more like Garrus with spiked hair, nice arms and no compliments

 **K-cat** : DUDE. HE’S FUGLY.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **I revoke your friend status.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **Garrus is gorgeous.

 **K-cat** :  What. I just asked Suga and he tells me your boyfriend is really hot. You just really screwed up the description.

 **K-cat** : Suga tells me that he and Garrus have nothing in common except the fact that you are obsessed with them.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **IWA-CHAN IS MY EARTHIAN BOYFRIEND AND GARRUS IS MY SPACE BOYFRIEND AND NEITHER OF THEM IS FUGLY

 **K-cat** : Oikawa. I will tell you something. Don’t make me regret it.

 **K-cat** : In Mass Effect 3

 **K-cat** : I chose Garrus

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3:** ⋋░ ✿ ⁰ o ⁰ ✿ ░⋌

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **Wait. U SLEPT WITH MY SPACE BOYFRIEND.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: **ﾚ(◣益◢#)ﾍ

 **K-cat** : Sorry to break to you it but a few million people did. That’s why there are blankets. And body pillows. And T-shirts.

 **K-cat** : And I have to admit he’s hot. Fugly but crazy hot.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** he is so hot (｡♥‿♥｡)

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** Can you believe that Suga slept with [Kaidan](https://img00.deviantart.net/e9f5/i/2012/046/5/9/mass_effect_3_kaidan_by_agatafoxxx-d4pt60n.jpg)?

 **K-cat** : NO WAY

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** He chose Kaidan over our Garrus. He’s hot and the story is great but GARRRUS

 **K-cat** : Shit I just noticed

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** WAT

 **K-cat** : Kaidan looks like Daichi

 **K-cat** : Shit I will never be the same

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** Nice. I got Suga hot fireman that looks like his own space boyfriend. Nice.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** I really have to make this stupid agedashi. I even brought an apron so I have to

 **K-cat** : Wow, you cooking for him naked just in apron?

 **K-cat** : HOT

Oikawa decided to not tell him the truth.

 **Xenomorph will eat you <3: ** Bye, bye Tetsu-chan <3 ttyl

 **K-cat** : I hope he will give you something that tastes better than that tofu, hot stuff

God, Kuroo was perverted. Oikawa put on some music, dressed up like a proper housewife and started making tofu. Awful. True disgrace. Next time he would make something different.

But the smile on Iwaizumi’s face when he returned home was worth it. Oikawa jumped to him, in blue apron with a unicorn on it, spatula in hand.

“Hi, Iwa-chan.”

Before he knew what was happening, Iwaizumi kissed him. Or rather just touched his mouth with his own because before Oikawa realized what was going on they were gone. He moved toward to continue but Iwaizumi took two steps back. Like always when they relationship progressed.

But Iwa-chan kissed him.

Oikawa smiled brightly like a whole star constellation.

“Come in, Iwa-chan. I made you your terrible tofu but first you need to cuddle Xeno, he missed you. And he’s not the only one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garrus is cute, badass cinnamon roll. He will worry about the smallest things when it comes to someone he cares about. And when there is need, he will snipe down every son of the bitch that deserves it in alien hipster way ‘cause he’s so unique <3
> 
> Anyway, love Garrus. There is no other way.


	14. In which Iwaizumi screws up a big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no!

**Iwaizumi**

Things were wrong. Things were terribly wrong.

He kissed Oikawa. He did it, he didn’t even know how or when. Oikawa took him by surprise. He just looked so cute and pretty in this apron and Iwaizumi just couldn’t help himself. And Oikawa’s lips were so soft and warm.

And now, one day later, he still couldn’t stop thinking about it. He even went out for a jog with Daichi to clear his mind. But it only made things worse because Daichi just wouldn’t shut up about kissing his own boyfriend.

Daichi’s biggest problem were, as always, Kuroo and Bokuto. They were constantly in the apartment and it made him very uncomfortable to go beyond kissing with them in the next room.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. What Daichi knew about problems? Oikawa was driving him crazy, that was a real problem! With his pretty face and heavenly coffees Iwaizumi was slowly going insane.

And Oikawa invited him over again.

He should turn him down for good before things become even worse. If he doesn’t do something soon he will no doubt end up in a relationship with Oikawa. A _relationship_. And then there will be no escape. Oikawa will annoy the hell out of him and will probably make him fall in love even more.

Shut up, brain. He wasn’t in love. He really wasn’t. That was what he chose to believe and he would stick to it.

Anyway, Oikawa would trap him in complex feelings (that would by no means be called love) and then he would leave him for a man that would not like agedashi tofu or who would pay attention to the brand of Oikawa’s shoes. Or who would share his devotion to hair products. So this… thing with Oikawa had no future. And if he doesn’t do something about it soon he will be headed straight towards a broken heart.

That’s why he made a decision. Today he would say no. He would finally tell Oikawa that he wasn’t interested. Probably Oikawa would throw him out. Probably he would never see him or Xeno again. It made him feel terrible. But probably it would be for the best. Probably.

Oikawa looked particularly stunning that day. Light blue sweater with tight caramel pants made him very… irresistible. It was hard for Iwaizumi not to look. He was talking about something and Iwaizumi was pretending to listen. It was something about facial masks. Most likely.

The important thing was that Oikawa was really passionate about it. He was waving his hands and yelling a lot for something this trivial.

“And he actually added more carrot seed oil, can you believe that, Iwa-chan?! Who the hell does that?”

“Terrible” Iwaizumi nodded not knowing exactly what he was agreeing with.

“Exactly! Actually…” suddenly Oikawa’s hand was touching his cheek. “Your shaving cream is terrible. It’s all rough here, I could make you some oil because if…” Oikawa moved closer without finishing the sentence.

Oikawa was just too much. Iwaizumi forgot all about his grand break-up plan and just closed the distance between them. Now they were almost touching. And Oikawa’s face was so close.

“If what?” asked Iwaizumi in a low voice.

“If.. if we were to kiss it would be…”

Iwaizumi couldn’t restrain himself anymore. He cut Oikawa off with a kiss. Proper one this time, open mouthed and passionate. He felt Oikawa’s hands on his back, pulling him closer. In response he pushed Oikawa back on the couch, kissing him furiously.

Oikawa was a good kisser. For few minutes Iwazumi felt like in heaven when Oikawa was acting like he wanted to never let go of him. Like this moment was something he was looking forward to from the second they met.

Kisses were becoming more heated. This man was really making Iwaizumi lose his mind. Right. He lost his mind. He’s making out with a posh playboy. This was not supposed to happen. He pulled away immediately. Oikawa’s flushed face looked very tempting. He just wanted to come back into his arms. Oikawa smiled. He was almost irresistible. But Iwaizumi had to be strong. He pushed Oikawa further away. Oikawa’s smile disappeared.

“What’s wrong, Iwa-chan?”

“Sorry. This was a mistake. This should not have happened. And this won’t happen again. Sorry.”

Oikawa blinked.

“So you don’t want this?” he asked aggressively.

“No.”

“And you really think it was a mistake?”

“Yes.”

“All of it?”

“Yes.”

The truth was Iwaizumi wanted it very badly. But he knew better. Oikawa would just stomp over his heart when he was done with him. Because he was a posh, shameless, heartless asshole. That was just the way things were.

However, something was terribly wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. Because Oikawa looked like he was about to cry.

What if all this time Iwaizumi was mistaken? What if Oikawa actually wasn’t heartless? Oh God, what has he done?

There were hints. The dog, the roommate, Oikawa cared for them. How could he have neglected those hints?

And now it was too late.

Iwaizumi didn’t know what to believe anymore. He just knew that the sight of Oikawa’s tears was heartbreaking.

“Get out” Oikawa whispered.

“Oikawa, I…”

“I don’t care. I’m so sick of this never working out. Just get out and never come back.”

 

**Daichi**

Suga said that it would be nice to play The Sims with Daichi and his roommates. What was not nice however was the fact that Daichi couldn’t even dress up a Sim.

“Daichi, please, you have to be joking. This is literally the ugliest shirt I saw in all parts of this game” Suga sighed.

“Bro, I win. Pay up!” Kuroo yelled with satisfaction, a large grin appearing on his face.

“Dadchi! How could you! I lost a Mars bar because I believed in you!” Bokuto whined, giving Daichi a truly betrayed look.

“Honey, what the hell are kids doing this time?” Suga wanted to know.

“Well… So they have a bet. We don’t play Sims very often so it’s not like I recognize all the clothes. They download traps from internet. The ugliest things they can find. And then they bet whether I will chose one of them.”

“And it doesn’t bother you?”

“No? I mean, I’ve always had a problem. I had twenty four years to learn to live with this curse.”

“It’s not a problem, Daichi. It’s a disaster. Why do you insist on this, Daichi? Can’t you just choose a simple black shirt? Why?”

“Because…. Black is sad.”

“So you choose orange with a violet hamburger AND a tiger AND a snail? Daichi. You have to sense that it is wrong.”

“Are you sure it’s wrong? It’s so… cheerful.”

“After you die I will definitely salt and burn you. And don’t think you will get to pick up any clothes for our future kids. I will not let them go to kindergarten in anything you choose.”

Kuroo whistled.

“Bro, our new mom is so cool.”

“Yes, bro, so cool” Bokuto nodded. “But wait. Future kids? WE’LL GET SIBLINGS!”

“No” Daichi interrupted. “When me and Suga will have kids you two will get an upgrade to uncle Kuroo and uncle Bokuto.”

“Nah, you wouldn’t do it to us. We’ll always be your kids, Dadchi. Right, Suga?”

But Suga didn’t answer because his phone started ringing.  He picked it up, neglecting them.

“Tooru?” Suga looked very disturbed after hearing his friend. “Are you alright?”

He waved at them to continue the game without him and went to Daichi’s room to continue the conversation in private.

They returned to the game. Kuroo however seemed restless. He wanted to know if anything bad happened to his new friend.

“Suga would want us to insist that this shirt is ugly and you cannot wear it, Dadchi” Bokuto announced solemnly.

“Can I wear this one?”

“He chose my shirt! Pay up, bro!” Kuroo exclaimed, briefly turning his eyes away from the door to give Bokuto a victorious look.

“No, mine was first! I won!”

They went on about it for some time. Daichi took advantage of it and left to make himself a cup of tea. He was tempted to rip off a few stickers (magnets now, God bless Suga and his brilliant ideas) for giving him a headache. But he didn’t do it. They put a lot of hard work into getting those stickers. Not to mention that Kuroo’s part of the board was still bearing the signs of the punishment he got for breaking the Pretty Boy for over a week.

They finally settled that they would split the cost of a Mars bar and then divide it into two pieces. One would be two thirds of the Mars bar and would go to Bokuto. The rest was Kuroo’s. Seemed reasonable. Well, as reasonable as those two could get.

They were about to buy a house when the doorbell rang. Daichi rose to let the unexpected guest in.

It was Iwaizumi. Clearly distressed Iwaizumi.

“Daichi” he started seriously. “I made a mistake. A huge one. I need help.”

“What happened?”

Daichi went into his dad-caring-about-a-kid mode. He seated Iwaizumi on the couch, pushing Kuroo and Bokuto off it. He gave Iwaizumi his hot cup of tea and covered him with blanked.

“So? What’s going on?” Kuroo asked, crawling into the armchair and nestling himself like a cat choosing a perfect spot for a nap.

“Well. I screwed up” Iwaizumi confessed. “Very badly.”

“Tell us more” Bokuto was clearly intrigued as he sat on the carpet, back against Kuroo’s armchair.

“So… has Daichi told you two about my terrible taste in men?”

“YES” they responded immediately trying not to show how funny they found it.

“I met a guy. A fabulous drama queen. Posh, smart, funny, beautiful, capricious, superficial, petty, he liked shiny things.  He lured me in. I didn’t want to meet him again but before I realized I was addicted to his fancy coffee that I can’t even pronounce the name of.” Iwaizumi got really sad. “I hate him so much.”

“What happened, Iwaizumi?” Daichi questioned him further.

“I kissed him. It was great. He’s so hot… But. He’s a posh boy. I just can’t stand them. So I told him that it was a mistake that won’t happen again. And now I’m here. Sad and alone.”

“There, there” Daichi patted him on the shoulder.

“Wait. Why aren’t you happy Iwaizumi?” Kuroo frowned. “You said you hated him. Why aren’t you happy that you got rid of him?” he pointed out.

“Yeah, if it was just about coffee Shiratorizawa has amazing coffee. You can just go there and get it anytime you want” Bokuto advised, nodding.

Daichi sighed.

“Were you listening to me when I told you that Iwaizumi likes boys like that? He’s sad because he hated him but also liked him. Right?”

“Yes. I was already…I would be okay. But… There was something weird about him.”

“What?”

“When I told him that it was a mistake. He actually looked sad. And like he was about to cry. He wasn’t supposed to care about me, that’s not what guys like him do. So what if I was wrong? What if I really hurt him?”

“Dude. Let me get it straight” Kuroo said. “You had a pretty boy all over you. You shut him down and broke his heart. Why?”

“I didn’t think he had a heart!” Iwaizumi defended himself. “And now I don’t know! Was kissing  a mistake or the things I said after? I know I screwed up badly. Just…”

“Don’t worry Iwaizumi. If it’s your coffee addiction we can go to Shiratorizawa first thing in the morning” Bokuto volunteered.

“I can’t come to Shiratorizawa!” screamed Iwaizumi in sudden outburst. “He works there!”

“Oh my fucking catnip!” Kuroo paled.

“Iwaizumi” said Daichi slowly. “Is your posh boy by a chance…”

He didn’t finish. Suga came back to living room, still talking on the phone.

“Okay, Tooru, I’m on my way. I will be there in less than twenty minutes, just let me put my shoes on. Oh my god. YOU! Tooru, I have to deal with something. I will call you back in a minute.”

He put the phone away. He looked really murderous. Iwaizumi on the other looked terrified.  He even stood up, hoping to be able to escape. He didn’t manage to. Without any hesitation Suga punched him across the face with so much strength that Iwaizumi fell back on the couch.

Bokuto and Kuroo watched it with eyes and mouth opened wide.

“Awesome” they whispered together in unison.

“Daichi. Why are you friends with this abomination?”

“Oh… He…”

“Doesn’t matter. You two won’t be friends anymore. And if you think that you can hide it from me, forget it. And I’m not having sex with you until you throw him out for good. And if you try to lie to me, forget even kissing. I want him gone.”

“But...”

“Do you have any idea what he’s done? He toyed with Oikawa’s feelings for two months. Months, Daichi. They went on dates, Oikawa adopted a dog because of this guy. And that little shit called it all a mistake that should have never happened. He broke my best friend, Daichi, I want him gone.”

“But Suga, look. He’s miserable.”

“I don’t care. He’s an asshole.”

“Fine, I will throw him out after he finishes his tea.”

“Fine. Then no kissing for a week.”

“Suga!”

“Daichi, if you don’t understand that people who make others fall in love with them just to make out with them once and then brutally dump them are bad people, then maybe our relationship doesn’t have a future either.”

With that last sentence Suga stormed off.

Daichi ran after Suga but it was too late. Suga was nowhere to be seen. Knowing Suga he would choose some weird way to his apartment just in case Daichi decided to follow him. Content or not, he had to go back to the apartment. Everybody was still shocked and silent. It was Kuroo who finally broke it off.

“Wow” he said shortly.

“Wow” Bokuto agreed.

“Iwaizumi, if your stupidity will cost me the best relationship I’ve ever had or will have, next time there is a fire somewhere I won’t  try to put it out. I will drop your body there” Daichi announced coldly. “I changed my mind. I’m going to Suga’s. I need to beg for his forgiveness. If any of them asks, I threw Iwaizumi out. Okay?”

“Yes, Dadchi.”

Daichi left, first giving Iwaizumi some ice for the newly forming black eye.

“So… You know them?”

“Yeah” Bokuto said. “I would even say that Kuroo knows your posh boy pretty well.”

“Dude. Shut the fuck up. It was one afternoon. But Iwaizumi, you definitely screwed up. Big time.”

“Seriously?”

“Oikawa isn’t a shallow posh boy” Kuroo explained for once sounding 100% serious. “He just seems a little like it. And yes, he likes fancy things. And he is a lot like a peacock. But… on the inside he is an obsessive, cute nerd who cares a lot.”

Iwaizumi blinked in horror. He didn’t know what to say. Now he was sure of it. He screwed up big time. He felt depressed. He tried to cover his face with hands to escape the world just a little but his eye it hurt too much. It turned out there was no escape.

Everything hurt too much.

“So I liked him and he liked me but I broke his heart because of my irrational fear that he’s going to throw me out like a pair of last season’s shoes when my time comes just because I assumed he seemed like this kind of person” he concluded, staring blindly into the carpet.

“Dude. He’s not the superficial one. You are” Bokuto said wisely. “And because we are now talking with you” he added “Oikawa will never get me a date with Akaashi. You really screwed up, man.”

 

    


	15. In which Bokuto meets the One Punch Man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!!!
> 
> I bought a winter sweater with a rocket and snowflakes on it for my dog. It looks so awesome.

**Iwaizumi**

 

He just couldn’t believe it. It all made sense but was still so… unexpected.

Kuroo and Bokuto spent the next few hours telling him about the Oikawa that he didn’t meet. It was amazing and almost unbelievable that his Oikawa and that Oikawa were the same person.

His Oikawa wore a silk scarf that he always masterfully tied in a very complicated knot. That Oikawa had around twenty different types of alien pyjamas. His Oikawa always had perfectly ironed clothes and when Iwaizumi came over once in a wrinkled shirt he called him a disgrace. The other Oikawa was sleeping in sweatpants holding tightly a body pillow of some alien with his laptop still turned on.

His Oikawa screamed when Xeno got dirty with mud from a puddle. That Oikawa ate chocolate cakes and milk bread in kilograms not caring at all about the esthetics of it. His Oikawa could recite about a thousand ingredients you could use for moisturizing your skin. The other could name all the alien species from at least a thousand fandoms.

He was used to Oikawa brewing coffee. New Oikawa was making virtual cheese playing Farming Simulator 17 while listening to K-Pop.

How the hell was that even possible? Well, somehow it was.

It took him one evening to fully understand that he missed his only opportunity for happiness when he said all those things to Oikawa. Oikawa was posh enough to make him hot but at the same time he had a heart and was a cute nerd which meant someone that Iwaizumi actually would like. Would love.

He remembered Oikawa blushing or Oikawa being excited about something. So sincere, so full of emotions. How could he have overlooked it?

He needed to get Oikawa back. And this time he would ask him properly to be his boyfriend. If Oikawa still wanted him. However, Oikawa wasn’t responding any of his “I’m sorry” texts. So he knew that he needed a plan.

His first idea was to buy Oikawa some expensive watch and flowers. That would be a good gift for a posh boy. But fortunately he asked Kuroo and Bokuto first about it. They laughed and called the idea stupid.

Then Kuroo and Daichi who knew quite a lot about Oikawa explained to him, that Oikawa would probably open the door just to throw the flowers on the ground and stomp on them for a more dramatic effect. Then he would wait until Iwaizumi leaves and throw the watch from the window straight on Iwaizumi’s head.

Then one day he had a brilliant idea. He started looking for dog clothes and bought one that looked like a space suit. Xeno would be an astronaut. Oikawa loved aliens and space so astronauts probably too, right?

He borrowed a puppy from work dressed it up and sent picture to Oikawa, letting him know that there is a gift for Xeno.

Of course Oikawa was a stubborn little shit and didn’t respond like he didn’t answer any texts nor phone calls for a week. Maybe he should try more. Call more, send more texts. So Oikawa would see that he cares. He tried. No response.

“By the way, Suga told me not to tell you” Daichi said one day, finally taking pity on Iwaizumi after another few days of struggle. “That Oikawa blocked your number some time ago. Sorry. Suga also said that if you go to their place he’s calling the police.”

“What?!” Iwaizumi shrieked.

“Yeah. But you know, my buddy from the police told me, that stalkers have various ways of following their victims. So maybe you could do that too? After all, you not only have his number and his address but also know where he works and studies…”

Iwaizumi didn’t like that Daichi compared him to a stalker. But he had to admit that he needed to widen his options in a very creepy stalkerish way. But what could he do? He needed to make up with Oikawa.

 

**Bokuto**

 

It all started a year ago. They were assigning groups for the final project in his robotics course. And there he thought that if he teamed up with the smart people he wouldn’t have to do anything and not only he would end up with a good grade but he could also play games with Kuroo all day long.

But Bokuto was once more outsmarted by life. His nerdy group actually demanded some action from him. He tried to explain that they were unreasonable. They didn’t listen. They even asked him to decide what kind of robot they would be making.

Their primitive robotic owl, Corporal Featherfluff, won a prize at youth technological talent show. By that time Bokuto was far more engaged in the project than he would have imagined. It was an owl robot after all. How could he not want to work on that?

Corporal Featherfluff was awesome. He could bite annoying people, he would hoot in appreciation. And also cleaned. For example when he saw an empty bottle on the floor he would pick it up and throw it out. It was Shirabu’s idea. A very good one.

Also they added a function that if Corporal saw a person throwing garbage on the ground he would haunt them and bite them as a punishment. So it was an educational robot.

A few weeks later they were proposed a research grand sponsored by some huge company to build a new owl with improved cognitive functions. Of course with a team full of nerds they couldn’t refuse something so prestigious and now Bokuto was forced to go to school on weekends. They also had a big fight about the concept of the next owl. Shirabu was pretty insistent on having a titan owl. But no one really understood the reference or what exactly the titan owl would be so Shirabu lost in common vote. He still hasn’t gotten over it and constantly muttered something about how Corporal won’t be happy without his titan puppy. Bokuto understood. Ships were an important part of life. That’s why he voted for Attack on Titan Owl and he was genuinely sad when they lost the election.

However the new owl turned out to be a charming lady and he grew to love her very much. But working on weekends was too overwhelming. Even though it was for the good of his robotic owl, Lady Sandarella Mirabella Pouncy, he wanted to rest.

The worst part was the fact that now he was alone. It was his idea that Sandarella should behave like a real owl and be less active during the day. His teammates thought the function would be useless but he insisted.

He went too far. Now Sandarella was sleeping and not answering to anything before sunset. He needed to fix it. But it was hard. She was either sleeping or hyper active, he couldn’t get the programming right. The fun part was that when he shut window curtains and turned off the light, she was always waked up with a sudden hoot.

He wished he had a magic button that would help him get as active as she was. He was so sleepy. He needed a coffee. He needed it badly.

Maybe he would walk into Akaashi in the coffee shop? He saw him there a few times.

YES. To the coffee shop!!! To Shiratorizawa!

He entered and smiled widely when he saw Shirabu’s grumpy face behind the counter. Shirabu was his friend and his teammate. He would let him use his employee discount!

“Hi, Rabu-chan!”

“How is our owl?”

“Better. But I’m still looking for a perfect solution so I need coffee. Caramel mocha with additional cream and double expresso, please.”

“620 yen.”

Bokuto gasped.

“Shirabu-chan! What about the discount? Aren’t we friends?!”

“You almost destroyed the owl that we’ve been working on for a year just because you thought it would be cool if she hunted things at night without our supervision. You couldn’t even say what things. So until you fix her, no discount.”

“But Shirabu-chan! I’m a poor student! And now I don’t have much food at home! I just want coffee!”

“No.”

“Shirabu!”

Suddenly a big, tall man came from the kitchen with a new cake. Bokuto saw this grand man before.  Ushijima Wakatoshi.

“Kenjirou” he said in low voice. “Why is he begging you?”

“He’s my teammate for the owl project. He wants my discount on the coffee.”

“He looks sad. Why won’t you give it to him?”

“He screwed up. Giving him discount as a result would be counterproductive.”

“But I need the coffee so I can work better on fixing the owl!” Bokuto whined in protest.

“Ow, shut up. And pay” Shirabu rolled his eyes.

Bokuto reached for the wallet with an expression of a sad puppy when he heard the voice again.

“Give him a discount, Kenjirou. Have a heart.”

“I have a heart!” Shirabu retorted, clearly pissed off.

“Sure, you do” Ushijima Wakatoshi said calmly returning to kitchen.

Shirabu looked deeply unpleased. Bokuto was scared.

“I will give you the discount. But. If you ever make me look like a heartless bitch in front of Ushijima, I will end you.”

Bokuto nodded solemnly and took a small step back. Just to be sure of his safety. You can’t be too careful. He paid without saying another word, afraid of the terrifying consequences that would come to be. Shirabu was a good barista. He knew how to make coffee so good that it was like heaven on earth with a little addition of something so terrible that it would destroy all the taste.

“Sit there I will bring you coffee when it’s ready. And don’t worry, it won’t be poisoned. I ran out.”

Bokuto obediently took a spot quite far away from the counter but still close enough to be able to watch Shirabu’s every move and make sure nothing weird was going to be added to his coffee.

The coffee making process was stopped by sudden appearance of new customer. Bokuto blinked. Another person he knew.

Iwaizumi was approaching pissed off Shirabu. Bokuto should stop him. But before he stood up, it was already too late.

“Hi, I was…” started Iwaizumi.

“Oh. You were here with Oikawa on a date once or twice.”

“Yeah… Is he maybe working right now? I wanted to talk to him.”

“Oh, he is not. But there is someone else that would really like to talk to you about him” Shirabu smiled politely but with a small hint of cruelty and disappeared in the kitchen.

He came back with Ushijima.

“Hello. Are you Iwaizumi-san?”

“Yes.”

“I would like a word with you. Would you mind?”

Ushiwaka was very polite but there was something disturbing about his face. And it wasn’t eyebrows. His eyebrows were pretty normal. More normal than Dadchi’s. Maybe not as pretty as Pretty Boy’s but few had eyebrows as pretty as the Pretty Boy. He would even say that if Ushijima had eyebrows like Oikawa it would be disturbing. Anyway now the eyebrows weren’t disturbing.

“Of course not.”

“However I would prefer if we had this discussion outside. I do not wish to take our customers’ attention off their coffee.”

“Well. We can go outside.”

When they left, Bokuto could no longer hear but only see. He saw Ushiwaka accusing Iwaizumi of something and then Iwaizumi denying it. He was waving his hands a lot. But it didn’t stop the punch that Ushiwaka threw straight into his face. It was strong enough to knock Iwaizumi down to the ground. After that Ushiwaka just turned back and went back to the Shiratorizawa, wiping his hands on a towel as if he’d just touched something dirty.

Oh Hedwig, this man was strong. Iwaizumi was slowly getting back on his feet but he didn’t look good. Iwaizumi, Daichi’s gym buddy Iwaizumi, whose arms looked like he could lift Bokuto in one hand and Kuroo in another, was defeated in one punch.

Holy shit. Ushiwaka was a One Punch Man.

And the dangerous man stopped next to Bokuto. Oh no, he was looking at him. Did he see him looking at Iwaizumi? Maybe pity showed up on his face? Oh, no. He was going to be beaten up too!

“So…” Ushijima Wakatoshi said slowly. “Did Kenjirou give you the discount?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADVERTISEMENT TIME!!! 
> 
> Are you Corporal Featherfluff/Attack on Titan Owl shippers like Shirabu? Check out my new oneshot “Window Washing With Style” --> http://archiveofourown.org/works/13033941
> 
> You have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about? Neither does my beta! But still he enjoyed it.
> 
> Anyway it’s a sweet, simple story about a man who likes cleaning a lot and a handsome window washer. I’m very proud of it.


	16. In which our heroes are a terrible team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing the last chapter! ヾ（〃＾∇＾）ﾉ♪  
> Now you can officially can stop worrying that this fic will die or sth.  
> Though there will probably be a short sequel about my beloved Bokuto (with Akaashi) and Kuroo (with Kenma).

**DAICHI**

 

Daichi was staring at his phone in disbelief. First of all he was taken aback by the fact that Iwaizumi sent him a selfie. In all years of their friendship not only Iwaizumi had never sent him a selfie but also on multiply occasions complained about narcissistic assholes who took them and then put them on Facebook.

But there he was. Glaring at Daichi right from his phone. How did this happen? Why? Well, Daichi at least knew that.

Iwaizumi’s face looked bad. Like really bad. He probably had a broken nose, it was all swollen and under his eyes two big dark circles were forming. Iwaizumi attached a text of explanation.

**Iwaizumi** : Ushijima did this to me. Because your boyfriend put him up to it. Hate to break it to you but he’s a manipulative asshole.

Daichi looked up at Suga. His wonderful boyfriend tore his shirt off him trying to get him naked before Kuroo came back home but of course with their luck it was impossible. So now Suga was meticulously sewing the buttons back. He was a little bit down and also looked so sweet and caring…

But they were together for two months now. Daichi knew well enough that even though Suga was kind and thoughtful and generally like an angel, he would never want to become his enemy. Suga would destroy his life in a blink of an eye. That’s why as much as he felt bad for Iwaizumi, he needed to take Suga’s side on this one.

“Suga, why don’t we go out tonight? For a nice dinner?”

Suga smiled charmingly and kissed him tenderly. Daichi was even more sure now that he made the right choice.

“You have something in mind?”

“First I thought about a nice Italian restaurant in a candle light… but then I remembered that you actually would be happier in that Thai restaurant near the campus that you’ve been eyeing all week after someone told you that their spicy food is really spicy.”

He earned another kiss.

“You know me so well, Daichi. Maybe you wanna sleep at my place tomorrow? After all, we have plans in the morning.”

Oh, right. He was going to help Suga and Oikawa with some additional training for some high school volleyball team that Oikawa’s little brother played in. Daichi once again marveled at the fact that Oikawa had siblings. It was still a strange concept no matter how many times he had heard that.

“I just hope you are not asking because you are scared that without your supervision I will embarrass you with my clothes in front of some teenagers?”

“Teenagers are mean and superficial so that makes them dangerous. It’s just in case, Daichi. So? Will you come?”

“Of course, I will. And I will be dressed in whatever you want me to be” he kissed Suga again.

“Careful, Daichi. You know I have a thing for your uniform…”

Daichi was already looking forward to more kisses but they were interrupted. Again. Like always. He was getting so frustrated. But it was nowhere near Suga’s level of frustration.

“Bro! Dadchi and Momshi are trying to get handsy again! Come back! I can’t put up with it on my own!” Kuroo screamed to his phone making sure they would hear him as well.

“Daichi. We are leaving” Suga announced.

Daichi was ready to start packing but Kuroo continued to speak loudly on the phone.

“WAIT. HE DID WHAT? No kidding. You have pictures? Bro! You have to take pictures. Who? Oh, my God. Our mom is such an awesome evil power, bro. Okay. I’ll see you at home. I love you too.”

As was to be expected, Kuroo slam the door open within a few seconds.

“Oya oya. Did you hear?”

“About what?” Suga pretended to be completely innocent.

“Well. Someone in this room made someone else think that a certain someone because of hurting another someone, deserved to be hit in the face. And well, it resulted in a broken nose. Any guesses who are someones?”

“Kuroo, let it go” Daichi demanded using his fierce dad tone.

Suga looked confused.

“Did you break someone’s nose, Daichi?” he asked worriedly.

“Me? Of course not!”

“Good. Because you are a Gryffindor so I was worried that it would happen.”

Kuroo rolled his way in a very tragic way that involved actually moving his head.

“Mother. I thought you were a fellow mischievous Slytherin. Aren’t you proud of your accomplishments in manipulation?”

 Suga blinked. And once he realized the true meaning of Kuroo’s words, he smiled widely.

“Oh my god. Do you have pictures?”

“Suga!” Daichi gasped in terror.

“Bokuto is gonna send me some. So we wait.”

“It was Ushiwaka, wasn’t it? Awww. I knew I could count on him to protect and avenge my Tooru. I am so not giving up on this ship!”

“Suga!” Daichi interrupted. “You are daring, pretty and I love you very, very much but could you please stop celebrating Iwaizumi’s bloody face and possibly broken nose?”

“How do you know about the blood, Dadchi?” Kuroo asked seriously.

Daichi felt trapped.

“Well. If you break a nose usually there is blood, right?”

“No. You knew. What are you hiding, Daichi?”

Kuroo’s face was too close. And he was using his villain voice he had been practicing for weeks now. And that face. Daichi had no choice but to surrender.

“Okay! Iwaizumi sent me a selfie.”

Suga glared at him in a pretty murderous way. God, Suga was terrifying.

“Daichi. You were supposed to end this friendship.”

“Well, sorry! But we’ve been friends for years and I can’t just turn away from him because your roommate had a fight with him!”

Suga was ready to yell at him but Kuroo started nagging just in time to save him.

“Daichi, show us the picture. The picture!”

Daichi sighed. Maybe he could postpone Suga’s yelling at him. Or maybe they would be moved by Iwaizumi’s current state of ugliness. He showed them the photo. Kuroo was indeed moved. He gasped in horror and disbelief and hugged Suga like his life was depending on it.

“Suga, thank you for not destroying me when I upset Oikawa. Thank you. Now I know you could. And you didn’t. Thank you.”

“See?” Daichi found a new argument. “You’ve frightened Kuroo.”

Suga escaped from his arms.

“I never said that I won’t punish him. But when I asked you, you told me that you’re not talking to Iwaizumi anymore!” Suga fiercely accused Daichi.

“I said we pretty much don’t talk a lot! It’s different!”

“I am not kissing you again until I am sure that you two are not friends anymore! Bye!”

Suga stormed off.

And Daichi could feel Kuroo glaring at him.

“What?” he asked finally.

“Daichi. Don’t make Suga angry.”

“I thought you liked Iwaizumi!”

“But Suga is awesome too. And he has food, Daichi. Food.”

 

**SUGA**

 

He was so pissed at Daichi. The only thing that was making this situation better was Iwaizumi’s face. He could always count on Ushiwaka.

He came back to the apartment. Oikawa was sitting on the living room floor, playing with the puppy. They looked so cute together. For a stranger Oikawa would look perfectly fine but they knew each other very well so Suga would not be fooled by this façade.

And neither would be Tooru by Suga’s warm smile.

“You’re angry. What’s wrong, Suga?” he noticed immediately.

“Just something.”

He didn’t want to worry Oikawa with all this Ushiwaka hitting Iwaizumi thing. He sat down next to him and let Xeno climb on him and lick his face. Suga cuddled the little one and felt all his anger vanish. Magical puppy.

“How are you, Tooru?”

“I don’t know why you keep asking, Suga. I feel great.”

And that was the worst part. Oikawa was so bad that he had actually convinced himself that he was great. This was new stage of miserable Oikawa he had never seen before. It was terrifying.

“So what did Daichi do to you?”

“Oh, I don’t like his friend. He’s an asshole. And…”

But Oikawa was smart and there was no way that he would have fooled him.

“Suga. What the hell did  you do to Daichi for keeping in touch with Iwaizumi?”

“Just kissing ban. I couldn’t use the sex ban ‘cause I did it as first warning.”

“Suga. You should be nicer to Daichi. He’s just protecting a friend. You should understand it, after all you are doing this not because you’re a bitch but because you’re lovely and trying to protect or avenge me for some abstract thing that you think Iwaizumi did. And you don’t have to. But unlike me, you need a boyfriend, so make up with him.”

Oh god. There came that new found craziness, that frightened Suga so much.

“So..” Suga decided to confess since it was sure that Oikawa would eventually find out on his own. “I might have told Ushiwaka that Iwaizumi broke your heart. And Ushiwaka punched him in the face. Probably broke his nose.”

“Suga!”

“He hurt you! I needed to punish him!”

“No, you didn’t! Poor Iwa-chan!”

“But Oikawa! He is the bad guy here!”

“No! He is not!” Oikawa insisted. “It’s not his fault that I’m not datable and actually I am very grateful that he made me realize that. Now I can finally stop worrying about getting a boyfriend because I will never be able to no matter how hard I would try and move on to greater things. If I work hard I can make a beauty mask that will make me beautiful and young forever. And you know what it means? I will be young and beautiful when aliens come. Aliens, Koushi-chan.”

“Tooru, you can’t just give up. You will find someone. Really.”

“Nope. I won’t. And that’s okay. So please, stop fighting with Daichi over Iwaizumi. I’m not mad at him. It’s really fine. They can stay friends.”

He was so going to kill Iwaizumi for driving Oikawa into this state. And then he would not salt and burn him. He would drop him off in the most disgusting place on Earth so he would spend the eternity there.

 

**DAICHI**

 

Daichi was not sure whether he still should go with Suga and Oikawa for the practice. But the next morning Kuroo came into his room in the morning and told him to get ready. It was strange since Kuroo was rarely up this early.

“Daichi, pull yourself together. You have to help us!”

“Why?” he asked tiredly, still struggling to wake up.

“We are making breakfast. Well, it’s just cereal but you know that we feel more safe if there is a fireman watching when we pour the milk.”

As absurd as it may be, they really needed a fireman. Once Daichi decided to keep on sleeping instead of helping them and Bokuto spilt the milk on the laptop. It got on fire. Literally.

So he joined Bokuto and Kuroo in the kitchen a few minutes later. They were clearly excited about something.

“And then we’ll block all his balls!”

“YES! And he’ll be so miserable.”

“We’ll make those teenagers’ life a living hell.”

“Of course.”

Daichi watched as they poured milk into the bowls. They were thoughtful enough to get three. His brain was slowly starting to work so he finally understood what they were talking about.

“Wait. You guys are going to the practice too?”

“Yeah! The Pretty Boy texted Kuroo yesterday. I mean, he is not as pretty as Akaashi. But he kind of is The Pretty Boy, don’t you think?” Bokuto pondered, forgetting about the milk for a few seconds and almost spilling it all over the table.

“Spacebro told us that his brother’s boyfriend is a really short shrimpy so we should tag along to annoy him with our height” Kuroo explained. “And you can come too. Oikawa is working on Suga to cancel the ban.”

“Oikawa is doing it for me?” Daichi was moved.

“Yep. He also told me, that he wants to talk to you. Spacebro will fix your relationship. Don’t worry too much.”

But Daichi couldn’t help but worry. He even asked Kuroo for help in dressing up. He didn’t want to annoy Suga further.

They showed up at the high school sports hall only a few minutes late. It was an accomplishment. Kuroo and Bokuto were trying to get him distracted but this time he was focused on the aim of getting there on time and satisfying Suga. He almost made it.

Just when they located the gym, a small ginger boy noticed them. He yelled something to his teammates and quickly changed his shoes so he could run to them.

“WHOA!!!!” he stopped right in front of Bokuto. “YOUR HAIR IS SO SUPERCOOL!”

Daichi could swear that his eyes were glimmering with a thousand little stars.

“Oya. Are you the hyperactive shrimp?” Kuroo asked.

The kid’s feelings clearly got hurt by that comment. His eyes stopped shining and he looked at Kuroo with pretense.

“Who called me that?” he demanded answers.

“Your future brother-in-law. Handsome researcher of alien life forms and hair products. Sounds familiar?”

The kid put on a grumpy face. Daichi was starting to realize that he was extremely expressive. And easy to manipulate. Which meant he was soon to become a puppet that Pretty Boy would use to control his little brother.

“Oikawa-san called me that? Well, it does sound like him… I’ll show you the locker room.”

He led them there and after they quickly changed back to the court. And Kuroo wouldn’t stop calling him “shortie” or “shrimpy”. Suga told him once that the boy’s name was Hinata. He wondered if Kuroo knew. Daichi really hoped that Kuroo was calling him a shrimp because he didn’t know the name, not because he was mean. But deep inside he had a feeling that his roommate knew the boy’s name perfectly well.

When they reached the court Hinata turned back. He pointed his finger at Kuroo.

“I CHALLENGE YOU! I WILL HIT THE BALLS SO FAST THAT THEY WILL BREAK YOUR BLOCK!” he announced with a determined look on his face. Daichi tried not to notice how amused Kuroo looked.

“Oi, dumbass!” a new voice came in. It belonged to a tall boy with black hair who stood in the entrance. “Our special attack balls will be too fast for him to even block. So stop slacking around and come hit them.”

“Grrrr, Kageyama! You destroyed my speech! I was about to make them frightened.”

“No one will be scared of you when you yell like that. You look really stupid when you do that. You guys are nii-san’s friends, right. I’m Kageyama. Sorry about him. He ran away.”

“No problem. Sorry for Kuroo. He annoyed him. I’m Daichi and the owl-hair is Bokuto.”

“Cool. Suga and nii-san are already here.”

They joined in. Actually that was the third time he saw Oikawa since this Iwaizumi thing stated. Last week he was a little bit down but today he looked pretty normal to Daichi. Suga on the other hand was still mad. He was barely talking to Daichi.

“So the plan is simple” Oikawa explained after a quick warm up. “We have a practice match. We show my little brother that I’m way better than he is, we win, they cry. We teach them stuff that they are most terrible at. Sadly we can’t teach them everything at once so it will be a hard choice. We have a second match, we let them see that thanks to our wonderful training they got better and they are so grateful that they buy us dinner!”

“You know, that I can hear you, nii-san?” Kageyama muttered.

“I’m just teaching you how to live, my little minion. Though not as little as your boyfriend.”

“Hey!” protested Hinata.

Oikawa threw the ball at him. Kid was taken by surprise and got hit in the face while the ball went back straight to Oikawa’s hand. He laughed like a villain from a cartoon.

“You are evil, nii-san” Kageyama stated but he didn’t seem especially angry. “Teach me to serve, later.”

“Sure, my little ugly duckling.”

 Kageyama picked his boyfriend up and took him to the other side of the court where other teenagers waited.

Oikawa was the self-nominated captain of their team but no one seemed to argue. It was his little brother they wanted to beat after all. He nominated Suga the setter but also let everyone know that he could set the balls too if it was possible. Kuroo and Bokuto were both blockers and Daichi got nominated as wing spiker. They also had another wing spiker and libero since Oikawa won them in rock, scissors, paper game with his brother.

They were a terrible team. Every one of them was very good at their own but as a team they were a failure. They never played together and it was showing so they had close to zero synchro attacks and they were constantly getting into each other’s way. The fact that Suga completely ignored Daichi and never passed him the ball didn’t help.

Daichi and the libero were really good. That was the only reason they were losing just by little bit.

And then the freak quick happened. Daichi barely noticed the ball and it was over. Apparently Hinata and Kageyama were brilliant together. Daichi was slowly acknowledging the fact that they were going to lose. There was no way they could compete with this freak quick when they never played together before.

It was Oikawa’s turn to serve the ball. He looked weirdly serious.

“I will destroy you, my little disrespectful Tobio-chan.  I will make you and shrimpy-chan suffer. Mark my words.”

“Oh no” Kageyama looked terrified.

Oikawa jumped and hit the ball. It was so fast that Daichi almost didn’t notice it moving. It hit Kageyama straight into face knocking him to the ground and then went back right into the net just to fall on the floor after. Everything with impossible speed.

Kuroo whistled.

“Space Prince, your serves are almost as pretty as you are” he said.

“No, Kuroo. No flirting with Oikawa” Daichi said automatically, still processing the serve that he just saw.

“It’s just a friendly flirt, Dadchi. I’m showing my admiration. Seriously. AWESOME.”

“I can do that all day” Oikawa announced.

And he scored ten points. Enough to win the set. They won. Daichi could not believe it. It seemed almost as surreal as Oikawa’s teleporting ball.

After the match they practiced for a few hours. Daichi was teaching the teenagers how to receive the ball properly and they were all showing him respect. Maybe he should have become teacher. This would be a rewarding career.

When he was taking a break and drinking water on a bench suddenly Oikawa sat next to him.

“Yahoo, momma’s boy.”

“Hi, Space Pretty Boy. Sorry about the Iwaizumi thing. I mean, us still being friends.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t mind you two being friends. But Suga is very protective. And I don’t think he’ll let it go.”

“Oikawa… Look, Iwaizumi really regrets things. He’s been trying to get in touch with you but..”

“No way” Oikawa cut in. “I’m over him. I’m over every guy on earth. He made me realize that there is no way I’m dating anyone. Well, until aliens come. So I have to focus now on staying beautiful for my future space boyfriend. And worrying about Iwaizumi and his mixed feelings would only cause me wrinkles and it is sure that he would still dump me eventually so I don’t see the point.”

“But listen…”

“I’m not talking to you about him. I’m here to talk about Suga. So I can tell you few things or go away.”

Daichi sighed.

“Fine. What can I do with Suga so he’s not so angry with me anymore?”

“Daichi. I will tell you a story. Not so long ago Suga was dating this Satori guy, one of Ushiwaka’s friends. It seemed like they were kind of good together but when he started spending more time at our place I found him a little bit creepy. So I told Suga that I don’t really like him so I would really appreciate it if they were spending more nights at his place not ours.”

Daichi didn’t like this story. First of all he didn’t like hearing about Suga’s ex-boyfriend. Secondly Oikawa was telling it in really disturbing and dark way. Good thing Bokuto wasn’t here, he would have gotten scared.

“They broke up the same day. Like Suga went straight from ‘aw, let’s be together forever’ to dumping his ass out of his life in an hour. He’s really protective of me. So he must really like you if you two are still together after what you pulled off with Iwaizumi.”

Daichi was terrified. Could he lose Suga over something this stupid? It seemed crazy. But Oikawa really made it sound plausible.

“How do I fix it?” he asked with his heart beating fast.

“I don’t think that he’ll believe you if you tell him that you’ll never text Iwaizumi again. Tell him that you need a closure. Ask for two weeks or something. That maybe will work. And you really will have to stop talking to Iwaizumi at least for some time.”

“Okay. Thank you for helping me.”

“I promised your mom that I won’t let you two break up over something stupid. I couldn’t let her down, she’s a wonderful person.”

“It’s just that?”

“Yup.” Oikawa smiled as if he was selling him a coffee and Daichi knew it was fake so he glared. “Okay, fine, I think you two are cute together. Satisfied?”

“Yes. Though it’s a pity. You would be cute with Iwaizumi” Daichi tried again.

“Over, Daichi-chan. Over” Oikawa chanted and walked away.

Daichi was left alone at the bench. Suga was right. Oikawa was not fine and even he could see that. And he was the only person who could fix it. He wasn’t good at matchmaking or shipping people. But this shouldn’t be too hard. After all, Iwaizumi was determined to get Oikawa back.

Yes. He had a plan. A plan that made sense.

He ran to Suga.

“Suga! Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Suga was a little bit reluctant to leave the kids. However he followed Daichi to the side of the court.

“What, Daichi?”

“Iwaizumi was my friend for years. If you really want me to I will end this friendship because I love you but I need a closure. Give me two weeks.”

“You will? Really?”

“Yes. I love you this much. In two weeks you can even delete his number from my phone.”

“I love you too, Daichi.”

Suga kissed him not minding all the teenagers with fragile souls around.

“What about kissing ban?” Daichi asked surprised.

“Shut up, Daichi” Suga said and kissed him again.


	17. In which Daichi has a plan. A good one at that. Surprisingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update is a little later than usual but my laptop is going through some rebel phase and it’s sabotaging my life -.- Thanks for kudos and comments as usual, this fic has already gotten so many! It’s amazing!!!  
> And sorry that my Suga is a little out of control. It might be because I subconsciously believe that he would be a perfect villain undercover. ┻┳|･ω･)ﾉ

**Iwaizumi**

 

Iwaizumi looked at his reflection in the mirror. He was lucky his nose wasn’t broken just slightly fractured. Ushijima was really strong. He actually knocked him down for a few seconds. Hopefully the bruise would be gone soon  but it still hurt a lot.

He wondered if now that he wasn’t standing in the way Ushijima could get back together with Oikawa. He didn’t like the idea the slightest bit.

Also, judging from the looks of him and Ushijima, Oikawa liked men with strong, muscular arms. And now it was clear that Ushiwaka’s was stronger so more to Oikawa’s liking. He needed to act fast or they could really get back together.

But then again, he screwed up so badly that he still couldn’t believe it. And now he had absolutely no saying in Oikawa’s life. And soon if he was going to keep this up he was going to get arrested for harassment.

Thousands of texts and calls. Thousands. And still, he hasn’t seen Oikawa since that night.

His phone vibrated. A week ago he would get hopeful but now he knew that it couldn’t possibly be Oikawa.

 **Daichi** : We need to talk. Let’s grab a beer tonight.

Iwazumi sighed. Of course it was just Daichi. He texted him back telling him that he could drop by later, whenever he wanted.

And so Daichi came over and explained that he had a plan.

 

**Oikawa**

 

He was so late for stupid Tobio-chan’s match. It was all Daichi’s fault.  He left in the morning with Suga to grab a brunch or whatever lovey-dovey gay couples did these days. When Oikawa woke up and opened the fridge to make himself breakfast all his ingredient jars were in chaos. Some of them opened, some without labels. It was Daichi. He was sure of it. Suga knew well enough not to mess with his jars.

He had to reorganize everything before going out, because some of the ingredients weren’t supposed to stay in the fridge for the whole night and day. It took him so much time to get everything in order that now he was terribly late.

It wasn’t like Tobio would care that he came late. But his parents would. And Hinata would be yelling at him for neglecting Kageyama and their important match. And Hinata was really annoying when he was yelling in his high pitched kid voice. Just how the hell could Tobio find it hot was beyond his comprehension.

He closed the door behind him and ran to the bus stop barging through all the pedestrians on his way, just to see his bus driving away. Great. Now he was definitely late. And the next bus was in fifteen minutes. Just wonderful.

He sat on the bench drowning in his own misery and craving for Ushiwaka’s orgasmic chocolate cake. He was really tempted to go to Shiratorizawa because now he was going to be late anyway so he could be late a little bit more but with a cake.

He could eat it on the tribunes when Tobio would be sweating and struggling to survive on the court. It seemed like a really good idea.

“Oi” suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

Iwaizumi. No fucking way. Just what he needed. He looked in the other direction to avoid him.

“You need a ride?”

“No” Oikawa answered coldly.

Because even though he was constantly repeating that he was fine, he really wasn’t and he knew that pretty well.

“I saw you running like a mad man to get that bus. Are you sure?”

“I’m always graceful, Iwaizumi. I don’t run like a mad man.”

Iwaizumi laughed. It was a really pleasant sound that made Oikawa blush even though he really didn’t want to. God, he hated this guy.

“I know. So? Would you like a lift?” Iwaizumi insisted.

He just couldn’t let it go. Oikawa looked at the time. He was very late. But if he took up the offer he could actually make it.

He thought about Hinata jumping when yelling at him. No way it was going to happen.

“Fine. Take me to the district sport center.” 

“Of course.”

They walked to Iwaizumi’s car like so many times before. Oikawa was still avoiding his eyes, hoping that there won’t be much talking involved. He officially didn’t care about Iwaizumi or any other man anymore and that was what he chose to believe. But the truth was that deep down he knew that he cared a lot. Especially about Iwaizumi.

Because that man almost made him fall in love and then cruelly called everything between them a mistake.

But still, he got into that car. And maybe not only because of the image of yelling-jumping Hinata.

“So… how are you?” asked Iwaizumi.

Oikawa looked at him surprised. He talked to Daichi, he should know. Or maybe he didn’t care about Oikawa enough to ask about him?

None of this was making sense. And today Oikawa wasn’t in the mood to beat around the bush.

“Why do you care? It was all a mistake, you said it yourself.”

Iwaizumi made things even weirder and more confusing to Oikawa. He sighed. As if he was really suffering.

“Are you  fucking serious? Didn’t you read or listen to any messages I left? Didn’t Daichi, Kuroo or Suga tell you?”

“I blocked your number right after you left. And Suga is protecting me so everyone is banned from talking about you. And you kind of deserve it.” Oikawa said, trying to keep his voice as cold as possible.

Suddenly Iwaizumi stopped the car on the side of the road. He looked straight at Oikawa with a terrifyingly serious expression.

“This is just a huge misunderstanding that I have been trying to fix for last two, almost three weeks. No, Tooru, we were not a mistake. The mistake was me telling you that. Sorry. Really, sorry. I wanted to apologize right away but you quite effectively threw me out of your flat and afterwards life. And… I think I’m in love with you.  The real you. With aliens, farming simulator, obsessions, more hair products than I could fit in my closet. And there is little I want more than for you to agree to go on a date with me.”

Oikawa was trying very hard to keep his cool and even harder not to blush. But it was impossible. And the heart in his chest was beating so fast it almost hurt. That wasn’t what he was expecting. Definitely wasn’t.

“Just go. I’m late” he muttered quietly.

Iwaizumi turned back to the road. Silence. It was good. Oikawa needed a moment to process all the things that he’d just heard. Slowly, he was calming down.

“You are terrible at this” he stated finally.

“What?” Iwaizumi asked  clearly not expecting that kind of statement.

“Feelings. Everything.”

“I’m trying.  Could you please unblock my number?”

“If I did, what would you do then?”

“I would try to make it up to you. And then, eventually I hope you would agree to go on a date with me.”

This conversation was really nerve wrecking for Oikawa. He really liked Iwaizumi. But still he found it hard to trust him and believe that he actually cares.

“And if I eventually agreed, where would you take me?”

“I first thought about planetarium. But I think that I would like to take you out for a fancy diner, so you could finally tell me about the aliens yourself. Then we could go for a drive somewhere just to lay down on the grass and stargaze. I still think planetarium would be nice for a second date though.”

Oikawa couldn’t stop blushing. He felt really happy and warm inside. How the hell did Iwaizumi manage to make it sound so perfect?

“How do I know you won’t change your mind? You did it before” Oikawa asked quietly.

“I won’t. I know that I was awful to you. Sorry. And thank you for putting up with me for so long.”

They were at the sport center. Oikawa kind of didn’t want this conversation to end, but on the other hand his head was almost spinning from all the mixed feelings that started growing as they spoke.  He needed time to analyze them one by one.

Because if this conversation was to last longer he could see himself kissing Iwaizumi at the end of it.

“So… I have to go. But I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you” Iwaizumi smiled earnestly, making Oikawa’s heart beat faster.

 

**Iwaizumi**

 

It went well. Really well. Iwaizumi was so stressed that he was almost sure he would screw it up. But, judging from Oikawa’s blushing face, he didn’t. Thank God.

He was about to drive home when he noticed that Oikawa left his scarf in the car. He hesitated for a second. He could just take it, pretend he didn’t notice until he was home and then Oikawa would have to contact him. But, knowing Oikawa, he would rather be pissed and contact him through Daichi.

He could show off as a good person who doesn’t need to use the scarf to get in touch Oikawa and give it to him now. This would be better.

He got out of the car and went inside the sport center. He wandered around the halls, looking around for Oikawa. He saw many short teenagers and a few tall ones and a lot of gushing parents. But Oikawa was nowhere to be seen.

He finally noticed him standing in the dark corridor, quite far away from everything, talking to some middle-aged women.

“So, Tooru, do you have a boyfriend?” he overheard her say and quickly hid behind a vending machine.

“Oh my God, mom, would you stop? You are literally asking this every time we meet. “

“And every time your answer is no! I’m worried! Is it about the divorce?”

“Just stop. It’s not about divorce. It was seventeen years ago. Seventeen. Just let go, mum. “

“But, Tooru, I read the book about the influence of…”

Iwaizumi decided that it was a good time to step in.

“Oi, Tooru” he didn’t know why he kept using Oikawa’s first name but it seemed right. “You left your scarf in the car”

He passed Oikawa the scarf. Both mother and son were looking at him closely. She with curiosity and Oikawa like he was analyzing something.

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

“Tooru, who is this young man?”

Oikawa rolled his eyes. Apparently he had little patience left.

“I’m his acquaintance” Iwaizumi explained.

“He’s friends with Suga’s boyfriend” Oikawa followed.

“You are a fine, handsome boy. Thank you for driving my son here. Tooru, maybe you will repay him with a nice dinner?”

And Oikawa’s patience was gone.

“Oh my god, mom, I already cook for him all the time! Even his awful agedashi tofu! I hate agedashi tofu! But you know why I cook it?! Because Iwaizumi is my fucking boyfriend and my boyfriend drove me here today. So you can finally stop asking and meddling! I’m so sick of that!”

Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s mother gasped.

“Are you two..? Really?” she asked.

Iwaizumi was unsure what to say but Oikawa’s demanding glare made the decision easy for him. He just hoped he was telling the truth.

“Yes.”

“Oh, finally, honey!”

She hugged them both tightly.

 Iwaizumi was glad he came to give Oikawa his scarf. Now he would get to spend at least a few hours pretending to be Oikawa’s boyfriend in front of his mother. It would give him a great chance to prove himself as a good one too.

And this morning Daichi came up with tickets for Supernatural convention so Suga would not be here to ruin it all. 


	18. In which Iwaizumi makes an unexpected friend.

**Iwaizumi**

 

Oikawa was holding his hand and it was great. Except for the fact that Oikawa was fiercely pulling him towards the nearest bathroom.

When they were inside, momentarily Oikawa pinned him against the wall. But then again, things weren’t as good as they could seem.

Oikawa attacked him. With a very strange weapon. He took a concealing make-up out of his bag. Iwaizumi was violently attacked by cosmetics. Soon they were all over his face.

“Good thing the corridor was dark and she didn’t see that you look terrible with those bruises. My mother can’t think that I’m dating a delinquent. She can’t, Iwa-chan!”

“And now she thinks that you are dating me. AND it was your idea.”

“So mean, Iwa-chan. Seriously, my mom can’t think you’re a delinquent. I… ”

Iwaizumi couldn’t help but to smile. He really missed this expression of a displeased child on Oikawa’s face. He grabbed Oikawa’s hips and pulled him closer.

“Tooru. I will be a perfect fake boyfriend for you.”

So close. The chemistry between him and Oikawa wasn’t gone at all. They were almost kissing like so many times before. Maybe if he was to lean in… Oikawa closed his eyes and opened his lips a little. The looked so inviting. And Oikawa’s breath against his skin…

Universe was so full of traps.

And Iwaizumi walked straight into a very dangerous one.

He gently pressed his lips against Oikawa’s in a long, tender kiss. It felt so right. Iwaizumi never felt so right kissing anyone.

Suddenly the door opened.

“Tooru, Iwaizumi-kun, I’m going to find…oh” she saw them.

“Mom, what are you doing in men’s bathroom?!” Oikawa yelled, his voice at least an octave higher than usually.

“I just wanted to let you know I’m going to find Tobio’s friends. They saved us seats somewhere.”

“Wait, we’re going too! Just give us a minute, okay?”

She nodded and closed the door.

“Oikawa…” started Iwaizumi but Oikawa shushed him.

“Not now, Iwa-chan” he said, quickly spreading the concealer over his face and then adding a little bit of powder. “You’re good to go. You look even better than normally.”

“Good. I need to keep up with your standards.”

Because he would never forget that above all Oikawa was a pretty posh boy who needed his boyfriend to be esthetically pleasing so he would be accepted socially. Iwaizumi wasn’t used to being an arm candy but whatever. If it meant going out on dates with Oikawa he could deal with it.

“You should. If you ever try dressing up like Daichi, I’m never acknowledging your existence  ever again.”

“Daichi is really trying lately, you know?”

“God. He was worse?” Oikawa was horrified.

Iwaizumi pecked his lips in on the spur thought.

“Don’t worry your pretty head about it.”

It was so weird. To be able to give in to every thought and craving. Iwaizumi never let himself do that next to boys he liked. Because he hated them. But really he didn’t hate Oikawa that much anymore.

Oikawa blushed and Iwaizumi was done for. Just done.

“Let’s just go” Oikawa proposed quietly, taking Iwaizumi’s hand and pulling him out of the bathroom.

On their way to the seats and then during match he was thoroughly interviewed by Mrs. Kageyama. Oikawa tried to end it by sitting between them but it didn’t work. Soon she knew all about his work, his apartment, his friends, every detail of his life. She was far more focused on him than on her younger’s son match.

Iwaizumi just prayed she wouldn’t start asking about his and Oikawa’s nonexistent sex life.

And randomly touching Oikawa and holding his hand was the best.

 

**Oikawa**

 

Iwaizumi’s hand was on his tight. How dare he? But then again, he kind of asked him to be his fake date in the heat of the moment. And kissed him. So he really couldn’t argue now.

He was just a little bit worried about Suga’s outburst when he would see them like that.

Where exactly was Suga? He was supposed to be here before the first match.  Suddenly Oikawa felt his phone vibrating. It was a message from Suga.

 **Koushi-chan** : OMG, TOORU, DAICHI IS BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! HE GOT ME SURPRISE SUPERNATURAL CONVENTION TICKETS! SUPERNATURAL!!! WE’RE GOING THERE RIGHT NOW! Tell Kageyama and Hinata I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it. BECAUSE I WILL BE TAKING PART IN COMMUNITY DEMON HUNT! <3

Well. That explained a lot. Did Iwaizumi plan it? Oikawa looked in his eyes. Sincere, talking to his mother about puppies. No way such a Hufflepuff could pull that off. Or maybe. Maybe he was really a Gryffindor. Like a certain someone.  

Oikawa was quickly analyzing the last few days. It was now perfectly clear. He underestimated what a Gryffindor would do for a friend.

He underestimated Sawamura Daichi. And not in regard of his fashion sense.

Sawamura Daichi was responsible for all of it. For Iwaizumi’s presence. For Suga’s absence. He even worked on Oikawa’s opinion about Iwaizumi. He wouldn’t expect Daichi to plan this all… Kuroo, yes, but Daichi? Never. And he was sure that Kuroo had nothing to do with it because he was really busy with his new game now. He even barely responded to his steam messages and the hour count on his profile was growing at an alarming pace.

So… He, the Great Oikawa Tooru, the Handsome Galactic Prince, Conqueror of the Universe and a pureblood Slytherin really underestimated the little momma’s boy. Maybe not only his tights and puppy eyes were worthy of Suga after all.

Okay. So maybe he was thinking too much about Daichi to avoid thinking about a certain obvious problem that was sitting next to him.

Of course during last weeks he thought a lot about what he would do if he happened to run into Iwaizumi. All these plans included being high and mighty, above relationships and generally showing Iwaizumi that he does not care. However, unlike in all these scenarios, in reality they talked about feelings, made out a little bit and he kind of spontaneously roped Iwaizumi into pretending to be his boyfriend for today. Great.

And as if that wasn’t complicated enough, things were just getting worse and worse because no one else than Ushijima Wakatoshi was approaching them. He stopped when he saw Iwaizumi. With his hand on Oikawa’s tight. Iwaizumi was smart enough to take it away but he was too late. Ushiwaka noticed and looked like he was triggered.

For a few seconds Oikawa was worried that he would attack. But fortunately playing Farming Simulator a few hours a day calmed Ushiwaka’s temper and he was much calmer than he used to be.

“Good morning, Tooru. Mrs. Kageyama. And… Iwaizumi Hajime.”

Oikawa breathed out with a relief. Great. No murdering today.

“ Waka-chan!” Oikawa’s mother was enthusiastic.  “Why no one told me that my Tooru has a boyfriend?! And you clearly knew since you recognize him!”

If eyebrows could kill, Iwaizumi would be a dead man.

“Oh. It’s a very recent development” Ushiwaka explained still trying to kill Iwaizumi with his eyebrows. “Up until a few days ago Oikawa insisted that it is very complicated between him and Iwaizumi.”

“Well, it’s not anymore” Iwaizumi stated, wrapping his arm around Oikawa.

Damn. Oikawa forgot that technically Iwaizumi also was a muscular knucklehead that could get territorial like an animal. God, wing spikers were so annoyingly stupid when it came down to such things as their manly pride or whatever that was.

  Iwaizumi and Ushijima engaged in a staring contest. As much as Oikawa liked being fought over he didn’t want them to embarrass him in public and worse in front of his mother and possibly Tobio-chan if the brat looked up by chance.

“Both of you, stop. Ushiwaka, sit. Iwa-chan is my boyfriend, respect it” they ignored him. “I’m not visiting your farm until you do.”

Of course such a dreading threat had to work. And Ushiwaka was simple enough not to recognize a bluff.

He reluctantly took a seat next to Iwaizumi. He even made and attempt to start a conversation. Fortunately, Tobio’s team was at match point so Oikawa’s mother was too occupied with that to try to overhear their conversation.

“I was sorry about your face. I have hit really hard. But it seems like you don’t have any bruises.”

“Oh, I have bruises. But I’m also wearing Tooru’s makeup.”

Ushiwaka made a complicated expression. Like he was on one hand very jealous of Iwaizumi. On the other hand he looked glad because Iwaizumi suffered. Or maybe it was just his unwillingness to acknowledge a man in makeup.

“Tooru have let you touch his cosmetics?”

“He put them on me. With his own hands.”

God. Oikawa sighed. It was better than if they were fighting using fists but still. Wing spikers. Wild animals.

“Tooru” finally Ushiwaka decided to ask him about his opinion. “Do you wish to be in a relationship with that man?”

“Wow. You’re so bright, Ushiwaka-chan” Oikawa praised him with just a little bit of sarcasm.

Ushiwaka looked confused.

“Yes. I wish” Oikawa clarified, rolling his eyes.

Ushiwaka thought hard. Like he was processing very advanced data. Poor Shirabu. Oikawa kind of shipped him with Ushiwaka but a brilliant engineer like him would have a tough life with a simple wing spiker. Wing spikers.

To think that he was dating one of these apes. Oh, wait. He really wasn’t. Yaaay, freedom! But instead of feeling happy and liberated like was supposed to, he felt urge to move closer to Iwaizumi.

“Iwaizumi Hajime. I will acknowledge your relationship with Oikawa. But if you make him unhappy ever again, I will make you pay for that. And your almost broken nose is nothing compared to what I’m willing to do” Ushiwaka announced with a very serious face.

“Tooru…” Iwaizumi finally acted like a human being, not a testosterone wing spiker ape. “Why do I get a feeling that you will be my last boyfriend ever because he will kill me if we break up?”

“Because that’s how it is, Iwa-chan” Oikawa smiled sweetly. “We’re together till death parts us!”

“Nice. Now I don’t have to worry about you saying no when I propose.”

“Wait!” Oikawa squealed. “I was just joking, Iwa-chan!”

“Too late. I’m buying you a ring.”

Ushiwaka looked at them in confusion. Finally he smiled.

“I will make you a beautiful wedding cake, Tooru.”

“Not you too! God. I hate you both!” Oikawa stated yelling at them like a kindergartener at mean kids.

Iwaizumi destroyed his offended look by kissing him on the cheek. As much as he didn’t wanted to, he blushed immediately.

“Sorry, I was just screwing around with you. Let me make it up to you? Fancy dinner tomorrow night? Or tonight?”

“Tomorrow. Today mom is feeding me. And probably you and all of Tobio’s teammates too” Oikawa sighed. “She will even feed Ushiwaka.”

“Oh, right!” Ushiwaka remembered. “Mrs. Kageyama, I baked you a cake! Your favorite one, you know vanilla sheet cake with chocolate-cinnamon filling.”

“Oh, thank you, Wakatoshi, that’s just lovely!” she took her attention off the match to take the cake from him.

Oikawa glared at Iwaizumi.

“You remember what you have to do today? You have to prove yourself as my perfect boyfriend. And for now you are so losing to Ushiwaka.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.

“You’re so full of shit, Trashkawa. What do you want?”

“Go buy me a drink. Honey green milk tea, please.”

“There is no such a thing in a vending machine, Shittykawa.”

“You’ll make it work. I believe in you!”

Iwaizumi sighed.

“Would you like something to drink, Mrs. Kageyama?”

“Oh, thank you honey! A milk tea, please.”

Iwaizumi nodded. Surprisingly he turned to Ushiwaka too. Maybe he wasn’t dumb territorial asshole wing spiker ape after all.

 “And you?”

“Coffee. That’s very kind of you, Iwaizumi” Ushiwaka thanked him, obviously surprised.

“Whatever” said Iwaizumi and disappeared into the nearest corridor.

Ushijima of course started pestering Oikawa about their relationship, raising the attention of his mother.

“So you two are really together?”

“No, Ushiwaka we are just pretending to annoy you all. Of course we are!”

“Since when?”

“Just shut up, Wakatoshi-chan.”

“Tooru” interrupted his mother. “Why is Wakatoshi-kun so surprised?”

Ushiwaka opened his mouth to speak but Oikawa was much faster.

“We had a little misunderstanding, Suga put everyone into believing that Iwaizumi was a bad guy and Ushiwaka punched him in the face a few days ago. And Iwaizumi is wiser than that so he didn’t hit him back. Because he’s a gentleman. Anyway, we cleared everything up and we’re back together.”

“Does he treat you right?” Ushiwaka asked with care.

“Oh my god, just leave me alone! Yes he does!”

For few minutes they watched the match in silence. But of course Ushiwaka had to ruin it all.

“So you plan on dating him.”

“You’re so bright, Ushiwaka-chan! I’m just so wow. Now you can’t stand next to Shirabu or else he’ll become squirmy and jealous!”

“Okay. I will accept Iwaizumi. If that is what you want.”

This time Oikawa was taken aback seriously.

“Really?! But you were so… ‘no one touches my Tooru’ and ‘I will hurt you, hunt you down and kill you’” he mimicked Ushiwaka, exaggerating quite a bit.

“I respect your wishes, Oikawa Tooru. Always have. Always will.”

Iwaizumi returned with hands full of vending machine goods. He handed tea to Oikawa’s mother first, than coffee to Ushiwaka and afterwards, sat down next to Oikawa.

“Brattykawa, I bought you green milk tea, some honey flowerish tea and some others if you don’t like it. A lady from burger place gave me a cup so you can even mix it up if you want. And I saw a milkbread and I know you are crazy about this shit so I bought it too.

Oikawa was speechless. Utterly speechless. His heart was beating loudly in his chest. He could feel himself blush. Not even Suga took care of him like that.

“Thanks, Iwa-chan” he finally muttered.

His mother was glaring. She wouldn’t let it go, he knew that well.

Ushiwaka was moved too. But he had a strange way of showing this. He decided to try to make friends with Iwaizumi.

“You’re a vet, right?”

For a second Tooru was scared that Ushiwaka would be blunt enough to point out the age difference in front of his mother. Iwaizumi was suspicious too.

“Yeah…?”

“Tell me: do you treat farm animals too?”

Oh. That is what it was about.

“Not really… After all we live in a city. But I have few clients with pet pigs?”

Ushiwaka’s eyes shined brightly.

“Pet pigs?”

“Yes. There are really cool. And cuddly.”

“I lately considered having pet pig or a goat a lot” Ushiwaka confessed.

“Not a goat. There are no pet goats. They will eat everything they can including Oikawa’s shoes and scarf so definitely no.”

“Awww, Iwa-chan protects me from evil goats” Oikawa smiled.

“Iwaizumi” Ushiwaka demanded seriously. “I want to know more about pet pigs. I want to know everything.”

 

 


	19. In which we meet Tooru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love how most of the comments were about the pig.  
> Sorry that I couldn't respond to them, I have my finals now and I'm half-dead. Probably next week I will be even more tired so the chapter 20 will come in two weeks. ♡(｡- ω -)

**Iwaizumi**

Iwaizumi woke up and the first thing he saw were stars. It took him a moment to realize that it was just a ceiling not real night sky. Certainly the Death Star lamp hanging there helped.

Next thing he noticed was something warm and heavy. Actually two things. One pressed against his side was small and fluffy. A dog. Bigger and heavier was lying on his bare chest. He reached to touch it and felt unmistakable softness under his fingers. He knew just one person with such soft hair. Oikawa.

He looked down. Oikawa and Xeno were cuddling with him. And Oikawa was naked. As well as Iwaizumi.

It made sense. Though Iwaizumi was still a little bit shocked.

Yesterday was pretty eventful after all. After the match he met Oikawa’s genius little brother and his loud short boyfriend. Oikawa’s mother invited them all for dinner. He met Oikawa’s father. He got an official permission to date Oikawa from both his father and Ushiwaka. He was particularly happy about the second one since his face still hurt.

He answered a lot of Ushiwaka’s questions about raising a pig. He might have made out with Oikawa in the closet after dessert and Hinata might have caught them.

In the evening, when the cake had already been eaten, he drove Oikawa home and walked him back to his apartment. And that was when it all went crazy.

Oikawa said that he would think about dating him. Next thing he knew Oikawa’s mouth was on his, sloppy and desperate. Without hesitating Iwaizumi deepened the kiss, Oikawa broke it off just to look for the keys and as soon as he found them he pushed Iwaizumi straight to his bedroom. Iwaizumi didn’t even have time to notice all the aliens inside because Oikawa pinned him to the bed and practically attacked him.

Kisses were becoming more heated. More and more parts of clothing were getting lost. They didn’t really discuss what they were doing only the part when they decided to steal Suga’s condoms and lube.

Shit, he slept with Oikawa. He knew the pretty boys were too hot, especially this one. What if Oikawa would be mad? What if Oikawa decided he wouldn’t want him since he already scored him?

He was so screwed. He didn’t know to what extent Oikawa was like the assholes he found attractive.

Still, it was pretty great. He smiled. Being with Oikawa felt so good… He definitely wanted it to happen again. And again. Preferably very often.

He should keep convincing Oikawa that he was a good boyfriend. What would someone like Oikawa want now? He was tempted to text Kuroo and ask but he felt like Oikawa could be mad about boundaries or something.

What would Oikawa want? To stay in bed? Fancy breakfast with rose petals? Well. That wasn’t really an option, since he had no rose petals and he knew for sure that leaving the apartment wouldn’t be good.

But breakfast in bed wasn’t a bad idea. But first he needed to research the resources to find out how fancy the breakfast could get.

First impression in the morning would be crucial. Judging on that Oikawa would probably make a decision to let him stay or throw him out.

He needed Oikawa to wake up in a pleasant way. Not by Iwaizumi pushing him off. That’s why he kissed Oikawa softly, petting his hair. Oikawa didn’t react. Iwaizumi started to gently take Oikawa off him. Still nothing. Apparently Oikawa was a deep sleeper.

Wasn’t he telling him once that he can’t fall asleep unless he has a very good matrass and perfect room temperature and a few pillows with suitable fluffiness? Well, pure Oikawa. Apparently after getting all this fancy conditions done there he was really hard to wake up. He even snored a little but in a cute way. Iwaizumi watched him for a few more seconds, just making sure he wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon.

Iwaizumi looked around the room. It was worse than he expected. Oikawa really was a nerd. His walls were shining, the sheets had starships on them, shelves were crowded with alien toys. He was prepared but it was still overwhelming. And keep in mind he had seen Bokuto’s room with a ton of owl plushies and pillows. It still hadn’t prepared him for… this.

And then he noticed one more thing in the bed. His biggest adversary when it came to conquering Oikawa’s heart. Even bigger than Suga.

Garrus Vakarian. Oikawa had a fucking body pillow of this ugly alien and apparently their first time was with it in the bed. Shit. This was so fucked up. Iwaizumi just hoped that Oikawa wasn’t looking at Garrus when they were doing it. It would be extremely creepy. He was so getting rid of this pillow.

But for now pushing it off the bed face down to the floor was enough.

He couldn’t find his pants and didn’t want to move around too much scared that it would wake Oikawa up so he took some sweatpants that were lying on the chair. Holy shit. Even the sweatpants had Darth Vader sewed on them. It looked like it was supposed to cover a hole in them but still. Crazy.

Oikawa was very good at hiding his obsession. And Iwaizumi was starting to grasp the enormous size of it. Still, it was cute. Terrifying, yes. But Oikawa was hot enough to consider it cute.

He looked down at Oikawa sleeping soundly. Definitely hot as fuck. A few aliens won’t be enough to scare Iwaizumi off. Even Garrus Vakarian with his big sniper gun and fabulous tech skills.

Iwaizumi will show him the true tech skills. He will turn on the coffee machine and make a coffee! And a stove! And he’ll make a breakfast for Oikawa!

He closed the door behind him and marched to the kitchen. He made himself a coffee in hope for better ideas. He started looking through the ingredients. They were enough to make scrambled eggs, maybe an omelet…

Unfortunately he also awoke a creature that was apparently a light sleeper.

“Tooru? Will you make me a coffee?” Suga’s voice came from his room.

That was something he was not prepared for. He almost dropped the bowl he was holding. He hesitated for a moment. He wished that he had Oikawa with him to calm Suga down. But there was no way Suga would accept him if he didn’t make him coffee now. And waking Oikawa up just to get him to explain things to Suga was not an option.

He sighed and made Suga his coffee. He entered the room consciously. Suga opened his eyes.

“You.”

“I made you your coffee!”

“Why the hell are you wearing Tooru’s favorite sweatpants?!”

“Shhh!” Iwaizumi tried to calm him down. “Oikawa is sleeping.”

Suga raised a little, just to grab the coffee. He was looking deeply unpleased by the fact that Iwaizumi existed but at once glad he got his coffee.

“You weren’t here yesterday evening, right?” Iwaizumi asked cautiously.

“No, the convention lasted really long so Daichi drove me home after midnight. So care to explain what the hell are you doing here so early when Oikawa is sleeping? And who let you in?” asked Suga.

“Well...”

Unfortunately for him Suga’s deduction skills were high even in the morning.

“No way. You came home with him last night.”

Iwaizumi was too scared to answer. Suga took it as a yes.

“And you are wearing his sweatpants which means…”

Iwaizumi felt the hell approaching and decided to tell Suga before Suga would find out on his own. He hoped at least honesty would score him some points.

“Okay. We slept together. But it was completely consensual and…!”

Suga’s eyes widened. He looked like the surprised cat emoji on facebook.

“I was going to say that probably you stayed up talking and he’s lent you those as pajamas. Seriously? You slept with him?!”

As far as Iwaizumi could tell, Suga was not really mad, more like shocked.

“Yes?”

Suga slowly took another sip of his coffee. He looked like he was thinking really hard.

“What are your intentions toward Oikawa?”

“I care about him a lot. I want to date him.”

“And marry him in the future?”

Iwaizumi’s plans didn’t  go that far but he knew that the only possible answer was ‘yes’.

“Yes, I do.”

Suga sighed.

“Tooru would never have sex with you if he wasn’t serious about you. So I guess I have to accept you. But if you ever hurt him again I will destroy your life. Literally destroy it. You won’t get another chance to live normally Iwaizumi. What I did now was just because I was mad at you and Tooru was constantly trying to convince me to leave you alone. Try imagining what will happen if I really mean it.”

 “I understand, Suga.”

“Good. It was Daichi that helped you, right?”

Iwaizumi didn’t want to give up his friends but at this point he was really scared of Suga so he would do anything the man asked.

“Yes but he was meaning well. Don’t punish him, please?”

Suga shook his head and smiled.

“I didn’t think Daichi had it in him… but you can never underestimate a Gryffindor. Anyway he impressed me and I was thinking more about how to reward him.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“You wanna make Oikawa happy? Under the oven there’s a waffle maker that makes waffles in the shape of Death Star.”

That was... a perfect breakfast. He could add cream and jam, and fresh fruits and… perfect. Fancy and nerdy at once. Just like Oikawa.

“Thank you, Suga. That’s perfect. Would you like a few?” he asked.

Suga was clearly moved.

“Iwaizumi… you are such a good son-in-law! I want two. Do you know how to make waffles?”

“Well, theoretically… But it’s been long time… So maybe I’ll just google a recipe…”

He dug his own grave. For next few minutes Suga was explaining to him, every thoroughly how to make waffles. And because he was explaining a lot lately to Daichi and Iwaizumi was Daichi’s friend so Suga assumed by association that Iwaizumi also would need an explanation about how to break an egg. It took a lot of convincing to make him believe that even though he was friends with Daichi, he actually could get by in the kitchen.

Suga finally let him go. Iwaizumi was actually surprised by how well it went. He expected more yelling and killing. Suga accepting him was not something that he thought would happen anytime soon.

He made Oikawa beautiful breakfast. Death Star Waffles decorated with fresh fruits, whipped cream, milky way stars, sprinkled with syrup looked heavenly. He made another portion for Suga and Suga approved so he was rather hopeful.

He returned back to the bedroom. Oikawa must have woken up at some point because he was wearing pajama pants with tiny green aliens. He was rather shamelessly cuddling Garrus body pillow with his legs around turian’s waist.

Garrus. Iwaizumi needed to find a way of how to defeat him. He placed the tray on the nightstand and sat next to Oikawa. He run fingers through his fluffy hair.

No reaction. Or at least Oikawa pretended not to notice. Both were very plausible. But he knew how to find out which one was true.

He lowered his head and whispered into Oikawa’s ear.

“You are so cute, Tooru.”

Oikawa smiled. Iwaizumi wondered if it was just because he liked complements or it should be already considered a narcissistic fetish.

One thing was sure. Oikawa was not asleep.

“Tooru, will you stop hugging the alien and let me kiss you?”

“I don’t know, Iwa-chan. It depends.”

Iwaizumi kissed Oikawa’s cheek.

“On what?”

“On what kind of breakfast did you make me.”

Iwaizumi sighed. He was so right. Oikawa was one of these terrible, demanding people who always wanted breakfast in bed. But then again breakfast in bed since Oikawa was incredibly hot had amazing potential that Iwaizumi planned to explore.

“Do Death Star waffles sound good enough for you?”

“I like you so much, Iwa-chan”

Oikawa pulled him in for a long, sweet kiss. Then he actually looked at it and gasped. Suddenly Iwaizumi was being kissed again but in a different way more heated and affectionate.

“This looks so perfect! I love it, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi also loved the fact that Oikawa’s hips were straddling his.  He tried hard not to moan in between the kisses so he wouldn’t come off as the perverted one. Finally Oikawa let him go to devour a death star waffle with strawberries. After just a few bites he had whipped cream all over his face.

Iwaizumi had to say that it was not at all fancy but incredibly cute.  As he reached for his own waffle, Xeno woke up and sat between them demanding attention and his own waffle. Oikawa of course broke his one and fed the dog who gratefully licked his fingers. That was as much cuteness as Iwaizumi could contain. He just couldn’t hold on any longer.

“Tooru, I love you. Will you be my boyfriend?”

Oikawa blinked. A waffle stopped halfway to his mouth. Whipped cream was still all over his face. Shit, Iwaizumi screwed it up again. But this time he wouldn’t let go until Oikawa agreed to be his.

“You love me?” repeated Oikawa.

“Yes, I do. So can you please finally say yes?”

Yet Oikawa toyed with his feelings again. He dropped the waffle and clawed into Iwaizumi’s shirt pulling him closer with such strength that they both lost balance. Iwaizumi was grateful that  Oikawa’s bed was so huge or otherwise they would end up on the floor.

Oikawa didn’t care about it that much. He didn’t care about anything, really. Except for Iwaizumi. His passionate kisses made Iwaizumi forget about everything else too. Soon they were covered in whipped cream from waffles. Iwaizumi subconsciously kicked Garrus out of the bed.

Maybe first he wanted to talk but after a few minutes of this he decided to completely let go and just bring Oikawa’s hips closer.

 

**Suga**

Suga ate his waffles. Iwaizumi was a surprisingly good cook. They were not burned and were actually pretty tasty. And the fancy whipped cream with fresh fruits and syrup was just perfect. How the hell did he stay friends with Daichi was still a mystery. Probably Kuroo could marry him for such a breakfast.

No, maybe not. This ship would be beyond his comprehension. He was so not shipping that. Weird.

“Hi, Suga” said his boyfriend after he picked up the phone.

“Hi. By the way thanks again for yesterday! I loved it!”

“I knew you would enjoy it. Especially the life performance part… And scavenger hunt… And the haunted house… ”

Suga was aware that yesterday he might have been a little bit like a screaming, obsessed, hyperactive teenage fangirl and he really admired Daichi for putting up with that and following him all around the convention. But not as much as he admired the fact that Daichi was able to get Oikawa and Iwaizumi together.

Daichi was really amazing.

“I hope you didn’t mind that I was a little bit… excited about all these?”

“Not at all. I love seeing you so excited, your eyes were just glowing and…”

He and Daichi could just go on like this, telling each other sweet things and flirting for hours. Normally Suga wouldn’t mind but this time he called for a reason so he decided to cut to the case.

“Daichi. I know what you did with Iwaizumi. And we need to talk.”

Daichi went silent.

“Daichi?”

“Is this really necessary?”

“Yes. Do you want to walk the dogs from shelter with me today?”

“Suga. I did something behind your back. I would rather not meet you when you are surrounded with beasts that you have full control over.”

Suga sighed.

“I’m not a psycho, I just watch a drama where a lot of people die. I wouldn’t hurt you, Daichi. I love you.”

“Do you promise?”

“Yes. No violence. I promise.”

He heard scrubbing on the door and a few angry barks. He stood up to let Xeno in.

It wasn’t just Xeno. It was Xeno with a waffle that was almost as big as him. How the hell did he get it? And a whole one? Oikawa would never give up a waffle, especially one in the shape of the Death Star. And Iwaizumi was a vet so he would never give such a huge piece of food to such a small creature.

And answer came right away when he heard a loud moan. God. Is this how his life is going to be from now on?

“Come in, my little.”

He helped Xeno bring his immense waffle inside and closed the door. Silence. Finally.

“Something wrong?” asked Daichi.

“No. Just your actions are having some serious consequences. Bye, Daichi. See you at the shelter in… let’s say… two hours?” he heard another noise that he really didn’t want to hear. “Actually, can we meet in an hour?”

“Wait! Kuroo is still playing the game, I don’t know if I can get him to stop and help me dress!”

“Just wear the simple black T-shirt I bought you.”

“It’s in the laundry now.”

“Good luck with Kuroo, then. And when you get your next paycheck, I am so going shopping with you for an entire new wardrobe.”

“I love you, Suga.”

“I love you too, Daichi.”

 

**Daichi**

 

He entered the living room. The curtains were closed. It was all dark. Kuroo said it helped him stay focused and made it seem like only the game existed. The coffee table was covered with empty plates, cups, glasses and so much trash that Daichi actually started to wonder what the original color of the table was. It was because Bokuto was taking care of his bro by bringing him snacks and drinks so he wouldn’t die. But it was Bokuto so he also never thought about cleaning it up.

Kuroo had been sitting here for the last five days. He sometimes passed out and slept on the sofa, hand still holding the mouse. He only ever left the couch to go to the bathroom. Or at least Daichi hoped that he did.

Dark circles under his eyes. Pale skin. Hair more messy than he would think possible were it not right in front of his eyes. Blankets covering him like a cloak. If Oikawa saw this he would say that he needed a makeover more than Daichi did.

“Kuroo” he said, trying to get him to pay attention.

Nothing. Kuroo was still just looking at the screen.

“Kuroo. I need you.”

This time he got some sort of reaction at least.

“Shut up, Daichi. I’m busy.”

“Just look at me and say if I can go out with Suga in this clothes.”

“I can’t. I have to concentrate. So shut up.”

He noticed that Kuroo wasn’t pressing any buttons. Maybe his hands passed out? Wait, that made no sense.

So Daichi looked at the screen to find out what was going on.

Cards. Kuroo was playing cards. He could have sworn that when he came back home yesterday Kuroo was controlling some dude with swords who was fighting some ugly ass monster but was kind of stupid because he was using one sword instead of two. Why the hell not use both? Daichi did not understand the logic of this game.

But it was not a card game. Daichi took a closer look. Those weren’t just ordinary cards. Each had a some kind of a character on it with a short description underneath and a small number on the side. He had to admit it looked really fancy but… it didn’t change the fact that it was still a card game!

“Are you… playing some… new version of solitaire?” he asked tentatively. He should have known better.

Kuroo was terrified by this statement. He really looked absolutely taken aback. And also absolutely like a villain. Daichi was scared that he would grab some trash from the table and throw it at him.

But at least he got Kuroo to look at him.

“DAICHI!” his voice was harsh and sounded almost like a dog’s bark. “I’ll have you to know that this is an EXTREMELY important round of gwent, a very complex card game from the Witcher 3 and normally space pretty prince would help me because he’s really smart under all this alien make up but he can’t because he’s not picking up his phone since yesterday! So now I’m alone and I can lose a card with my favorite character who is the hottest motherfucker out there SO OBVIOUSLY I CANNOT ALLOW THAT!” he stopped for a second to take a deep breath and continued, still screaming in his hoarse voice. “ALSO THIS SHIRT IS REALLY FUCKING UGLY! Give it to me, I need another blanket. I will just throw it out with all the trash here.”

Daichi gave him the shirt but still wasn’t content.

“What was wrong with it? You said no strong elements or big things but it had neither!”

“A fucking red plaid shirt with snowflakes on it. Are you fucking serious?!”

Daichi was so frustrated. Kuroo was always just stating the obvious and describing the shirt. How could he improve if they didn’t explain what was wrong? How could he ever learn anything?

Kuroo gave up. He just pulled the plug and turned the game off.

“I can’t Daichi.” Closing his eyes and absent-mindedly running his hand through his hair. “I can’t risk losing the Iorveth card because of your stupidity and my tiredness. Go to Suga’s and find Oikawa. Make him call me in exactly eight hours. I am going to sleep. And then I’ll wake up and win. You just grab literally anything from my closet. It will be better than whatever you have in yours.

He watched as Kuroo marched out of the room, looking like a huge blanked monster, and then fell on his bed and closed his eyes. He started snoring even before his head touched the sheets.

**Suga**

 

Suga was ready to leave for his date. He grabbed his bag and opened the door but he immediately closed it. Apparently, Iwaizumi was leaving too. Suga turned the door-knob and slightly opened the door so he could watch.

Iwaizumi was fully dressed while Oikawa was still in his underwear. They were standing by the door and talking.

“So… dinner tonight? Today I have a longer shift but I will be free by eight” Oikawa said.

“Oh, no… Today I have an evening shift, it starts at seven thirty, I hoped you would be free sooner.”

“Can’t you switch with someone?” Oikawa whined.

“I’ve been trying. But evening shift on the weekend is the worst and I lost rock, scissors, paper game so I had to take it. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow me and Kuroo are playing games. We’ve planned it  for weeks.”

“Seriously? Can’t you change the date?”

“No. Games are very serious, Iwa-chan. Especially if it’s Kuroo we’re talking about. Just drop by whenever you finish today.”

“You realize that I finish around one?”

Oikawa captured Iwaizumi’s lips in a long kiss. Suga sighed. He knew that when Oikawa would be in a relationship, he would use kisses and sex as arguments.

“You will come over” it wasn’t a question.

“I will.”

And that was when Suga decided that he will stay over at Daichi’s.

“Bye, Iwa-chan.”

“See you tonight.”

He quickly texted Daichi that something important came up so he would be late at least an hour. He waited until Oikawa closed the door and emerged from his hideout. He rushed towards Oikawa like a true best friend.

“You will tell me everything! I want details!”

“Aaaaaaa, Koushi-chan!” Oikawa squealed like a teenage girl. “I want to tell you but I have work in an hour!”

“And I have a date with Daichi.”

“Screw Daichi!”

“Screw Shiratorizawa!” 

“He was so amazing, Suga! Is sex always this good?!”

“Well… It depends on who are you having it with” Suga tried to explain.

“Oh, my god, it was so great! I just can’t believe the things...! So listen, yesterday…”

And after that Oikawa talked his ear off about Iwaizumi for almost an hour. After he was satisfied he decided to ask:

“So, Suga, how was your convention?”

“I decided that I love Daichi.”

Oikawa looked in him in confusion.

“You already loved Daichi” he pointed out.

“I understood that he’s special. Actually, I felt really bad about this Iwaizumi thing. I don’t really want to control Daichi or something, Tooru. I like him too much. It was so weird… Like of course I wanted to keep Iwaizumi from you but also I did it because I was scared that he would hurt Daichi too.

“You are really protective, you know that? But it’s nice to know that you are crazy about your boyfriend not me.”

“I told you I love him.”

Suddenly Oikawa stated laughing loudly and just couldn’t get himself to stop.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that you actually fell in love with a guy who got a date with you only because his mother was his wingman and tried to ask me out on a date with him!”

Suga rolled his eyes. It wasn’t _that_ funny.

 

**Daichi**

 

Daichi was stressed. He was so uncomfortable in Kuroo’s clothes. And Suga was late. He did text him but still it was a bad sign. What if he wanted to break up over the Iwaizumi situation? He sounded nice on the phone but Suga was a Slytherin. He could have tricked him.

And now he was late. Maybe he was still hesitating? Maybe there was still hope.

Iwaizumi was making it worse because he was not responding to any of his texts or calls since yesterday. What if he screwed up and broke Oikawa’s heart again? Suga would never forgive him. Never.

He was so frightened that he could not enjoy playing with the dogs anymore. They noticed he was down and started group licking him to make him feel better.

If Suga really broke up with him he was so getting a dog.

“You look like from this ‘hot firemen with cute pets’ calendar that I wish I had” he heard Suga’s voice.

Suga was standing in the doorway with his phone, taking pictures. When he was done he approached Daichi and gave him a quick kiss.

“Sorry, honey. I needed to talk to Oikawa.”

“Oh. How is he? Is he mad?”

Suga looked at him with surprise.

“You don’t know?”

Daichi sighed. He was scared to death.

“Suga. I beg you. Don’t break up with me over Iwaizumi thing. I love you, I want to have house and kids and a dog and no strawberries forever with you. So please, don’t leave me.”

Suga blinked.

“Daichi” he said seriously. “I’m so proud of you for pulling that off. You are brave, loyal and smart and you chose supernatural convent as a distraction. I’m so, so happy that you are my boyfriend.”

Daichi smiled although he was really surprised. He felt as if someone just lifted some massive weight off his shoulders. He wanted to propose so badly but fortunately he left the ring at home.

Yes, he had a ring. He went to his parents’ house to get his granma’s engagement ring but his mother claimed that proposing to Suga this soon would be disastrous. Daichi didn’t believe her and stole the ring when she wasn’t looking.

“I was so sure that you would be mad…”

“I would be. But Iwaizumi is sincere and apparently Oikawa wants him so it’s okay.”

“Oikawa wants him?” he repeated.

“Judging from what I heard this morning, very, very badly. And so… they are finally together. Well, not yet, Oikawa wants Iwaizumi to beg for a few more days, but they will be. Don’t tell Iwaizumi the begging part.”

“Sure. And the Pretty Boy isn’t tossing him out or toying with his feelings, you are sure that they will be together?” Daichi asked.

“Yes.”

“Thank God. I couldn’t take this pressure any longer.”

 

**Oikawa**

 

Oikawa enjoyed his walk to Shiratorizawa and the sun and the birds, trees, Akaashi’s new owl t-shirt. He was in such a good mood that he enjoyed everything.

Even pissed off Shirabu-chan in front of Shiratorizawa looked particularly cute today.

“Yahoo, Rabu-chan!”

“I hate your guts, Oikawa. I loathe you. So fucking much.”

Oikawa gasped in terror.

“How can you say such terrible things with this cute face of yours?!”

“Go inside and see. I absolutely detest you. My life would be so much better if you would be annihilated.”

Oikawa knew that Shirabu held a grudge against him because of Ushiwaka but he never went this far. Something terrible must have happened.

He entered Shiratorizawa with his heart beating fast. He immediately saw it. There was a crowd of gushing girls next to the counter. And behind the counter there was Ushiwaka. Selling coffee and cake but not alone. Next to him there was a small animal. With a purple ribbon over its neck, the exact same color as Ushiwaka’s barista apron.

“Good afternoon, Oikawa Tooru. Meet Tooru. My pet pig.”


	20. In which Kuroo is the descendant of xenomorphs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I'm still alive. Kind of. I hate exams. Thanks for the comments! I was just too dead to answer ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･｡
> 
> FYI my beta is overworked so next chapters won't be checked for now. Sorry in advance for all the mistakes.
> 
> Hope you'll like it (*^.^*)

**Oikawa**

“WHAT DID YOU SAY WAKATOSHI-CHAN?!”

“This is my pig. I named it after you.”

“THIS IS SO AWEFULLY PERVERTED!!!! HOW DARE YOU USHIWAKA?! HOW DARE YOU?!”

“It is all out of my admiration for you, Oikawa Tooru. Owner of the pet store suggested that I named her after something or someone important to me.”

“HER?! YOU NAMED GIRL PIG AFTER ME?! GIRL?! DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL TO YOU?! ARE YOU STRAIGHT USHIWAKA-CHAN?!”

Ushijima Wakatoshi crooked his head in like in attempt to understand. He didn’t. Apes. Wing spikers were just apes.

“I do not understand your anger, Tooru.”

“DON’T CALL ME THE SAME NAME YOU USE TO CALL THAT PIG!!!”

“Please, don’t yell. Iwaizumi-san said that pet pigs are easily scared” insisted Ushiwaka.

“Iwaizumi put you up to this?! I am breaking up with him. It’s over. Oh, my God, it’s over. You destroyed the best relationship in my life, Ushiwaka-chan!”

“Iwaizumi-san just answered my questions about pigs upbringing yesterday during match. He had no idea I wished to change this dream into reality, however, I must say that he inspired me.”

“Change the pig name, Wakatoshi. Now.”

“I can’t. It may result in identity crisis.”

“You named her yesterday!”

“And now she is attached to her name.”

“I… I… I hate you! And your pig!”

Oikawa dramatically stormed out. He joined Shirabu outside. They exchanged understanding look. Oikawa breathed in and out for few times to calm down.

“Shirabu-chan. This is bad.”

“It’s worse, Oikawa. He has a pig named Tooru. Even if one day he’ll date me he will still have a pig named after you. If we move in together, I will have to live with him and Tooru The Pig. Seriously. Oikawa, I hate you so fucking much.”

“Hey, I am hurt too! He named pig after me! This is wrong on so many levels and he just doesn’t see it!”

“You have a cute pig named after you. I have my destroyed future. Really, Oikawa?” Shirabu rolled his eyes.

Since it was already beginning of summer Shiratorizawa made use of space in front of the coffee shop and arranged it. That was why Oikawa had a place to seat and used it. Tired Shirabu sat next to him.

For a few minutes they were really quiet. Oikawa was analyzing and strategizing, trying to think of the way to destroy the problem. He couldn’t. All his plans were not enough. He couldn’t think of the way to get rid of the pig for good. But changing it’s name should be easy enough. Kind of.

“Shirabu-chan. I know how to change the pig’s name. I still don’t know about the pig itself but with your help, will get rid of this atrocity of a name.”

“What did you think of?”

Oikawa really loved that Shirabu, even though he was a little cynical hater he was smart and pragmatic. He could easily put away his feelings if meant that he could achieve something he wanted. He could even cooperate effectively with him right now, which was really a skill. Or at least so he thought.

“Ushiwaka needs to get laid” stated Oikawa.

“No” answered immediately Shirabu, looking suddenly very murderous.

“Why? But you like him!”

“I won’t let you use me like this. I have some dignity.”

“But Shirabu! I ship you two! Well, maybe I thought that Ushiwaka might be too stupid for you but now desperate times call for desperate measures! So I will let you lower your standards and get him.”

“Oh, thank you, high divinity, for such an honor” Shirabu said very, very, very sarcastically.

“Don’t be a bitch, Rabu-chan. You know I excel at manipulation. I will get you and Ushiwaka together in less than two weeks. Then you’ll use the boyfriend status to change pig’s name.”  

“You knew about my crush for a year, Oikawa. A year. And now you tell me it was that easy for you to get us together? You are a bitch for not doing it, Oikawa. You just wanted Ushiwaka’s cakes this much, didn’t  you?”

“Hey. I’m getting you your dream boy. Don’t complain. And FYI I have a boyfriend now so it doubles my matchmaking skill when it comes to Ushiwaka. That is why I didn’t try before.”

“You didn’t try before because you liked free cakes and that he was in love with you.”

“Oh, my god, if you won’t stop being whiny grumpy bitch, I won’t help you! The day after tomorrow you two have double date with me and Iwa-chan.”

“Why not tomorrow?”

“Because I have very important plans. Not everything is about you, Shirabu-chan!”

 

**Daichi**

 

Next day Daichi woke up to yelling. Terrible yelling. So loud that his first reaction was to protectively bring Suga closer to his chest.

“Kill it! Kill it, Tetsu-chan!”

“I can’t! Oikawa! Healing!”

“It’s the pink one?!”

“NO, RED ONE!”

“It’s gonna eat me!” screamed Bokuto. “AAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

“Oikawa! Magical fire ball! Quick!”

“I said I wanted to be a fairy because they were pretty not for their magic. I am not going to be your servant” Oikawa stated in a particularly calm tone, especially comparing to other raised voices.

“My beloved, beautiful star prince slash battle fairy I beg you, kill the demon!” insisted Kuroo.

“Oh no!!! It’s coming for me!” screamed Oikawa. “Where the hell is the spell book?!”

Suddenly something happened. Dramatic music in the background changed to something more tranquil. And they finally shut up.

“My boyfriend is so amazing” Oikawa broke the silence.

Oh, no. Iwaizumi was here too. Daichi counted quickly in his head. At least five people, lunch and dinner…There was absolutely zero chance that he will have any food left in refrigerator if they stay the whole day. No food. And mom wasn’t coming for few more days.

He will just have to beg Suga for food.  And soon, before Kuroo and Bokuto would start begging. Their begging was loud and annoying.

“I just punched him. I was lucky my ogre is strong and got a good critical hit.”

“You are so strong and handsome…”

“So who is One Punch Man? Is it Iwaizumi? Or Ushijima? I think still Ushijima ‘cause he beat Iwaizumi…” wondered Bokuto.

“No making out in the middle of the quest!” said Kuroo in his scary villain voice.

“But Tetsu-chan! It was so hot when he protected me!”

“Don’t you ditch your mouse! We still need the special item! Your ogre can  do weird things to you later!”

“Don’t you call my Iwa-chan an ogre!”

“Tooru, I am an ogre. And you are a fairy.”

Suga sighed against his chest. Daichi petted his hair in tender gesture.

“I don’t want to get up yet, Daichi.”

“Me neither. But I’m living with assholes.”

“They are not so bad. It’s actually cute that they are invested this much in the game.”

“How are your dating sims by the way?”

Suga shifted so he could look at Daichi while still laying on him. Daichi really enjoyed how his eyes sparkled when he talked about things like this. Suga was really beautiful.

“I’m stuck! I can’t get Ayano to go on the next date, this level is just so hard…”

Wild, animalistic roar coming from living room interrupted Suga.

“Maybe we should go out on a date or something” suggested Daichi.

“Or we could join them” proposed Suga.

Daichi immediately shushed him, putting hand over his lips. He nervously looked at the door like he was awaiting disaster or apocalypse. They waited few seconds more but nothing came. Finally Daichi breathed out with relief.

“Never propose it again” he whispered. “Kuroo likes games, okay? But he really is a villain. So he builds his team’s trust. And then, when they are least expecting it, he backstabs them and takes away everything they had. And laughs. Of course sometimes he spares Bokuto since they have a special bond. This is so cruel it’s hard to watch it. And living it is far worse.”

Suga nodded with understanding like it was something he was already suspecting Kuroo of. They went silent, just listening to the yelling and groans outside. Suddenly Suga smirked.

“Okay. So… I have one more idea. If Oikawa is here, then my place is empty. Let’s go there and have sex” he suggested.

Daichi’s heart skipped a bit. Really? Finally? Were they ready? Of course they were, for at least a month. Actually Daichi was ready since the first date since he knew that Suga was the one but he knew that he tended to be easily invested in things. But always something had gotten in the way. However today, the apartment would be empty and he didn’t had work… Wait. He had a whole day shift starting soon.

“Suga, we both have work in less than two hours.”

“Come on, be adventurous! Let’s call in sick.”

“But I have important job. What if someone will get hurt because they are understaffed?”

“Just tell them that if it’s important you can come. And I find your heroic  tendencies really hot, you know?” they shared a long, tender kiss. “You call first.”

“Okay.”

Daichi picked up his phone from the nightstand and called Tsukishima.

“What?” Tsukishima asked with bored, a little bit annoyed voice.

“I’m not feeling well today, I’m getting sick, I think I should just rest. I mean it’s not that bad, so when you really need me, you can call. But generally I’m sick.”

He heard Tsukishima snort.

“Aaaah, so your date is that hot?”

“What?! No!” Daichi panicked. “I mean yes! My boyfriend is very hot. But I’m really sick!”

“And I imagine that he’ll take a very good care of you. Right, Tanaka?”

He heard Tanaka asking what was that about. And he just knew that Tsukishima was smirking. It was obvious.

“Daichi is pretending to be sick so he can spend the day with his hot date” explained Tsukishima.

“Wow, Daichi! He has to be really hot! Good for you!” congratulated him Tanaka. “Just bring us some pictures!”

“Ryuu, I already showed you my boyfriend. I don’t have a new one.”

“Yuu will be done with his shift in a few, he can drop by and bring you some condoms if you need.”

Daichi blushed.

“Oh my god, no. I’m really sick. Really, Tanaka.”

“And I believe you. That is why we want to take care of you. By bringing you more condoms.”

“Just stop it. Fine! I’m not sick!”

“Good! Now, how about those condoms?”

“No! No condoms!”

“If you are not sick, there is no reason for you to neglect work, Daichi” stated maliciously Tsukishima. “I expect you in two hours.”

Daichi got utterly defeated. Tsukishima won. What the hell. He saw Suga facepalming next to him.

“Wait! Tsukki! I really…!”

And by that he made things worse. Because only Tsukishima’s boyfriend used that nickname. And basically every fireman when Tsukishima couldn’t hear them.

“Do. Not. Call. Me. Tsukki.”

 He was cut off. Daichi was kind of glad he didn’t get extra shift after something like that. Angry Tsukishima was terrifying. Not nearly as terrifying as Oikawa or Suga but still.

“Sorry” he apologized to his beloved boyfriend. “I tried.”

“Yeah. You never did it before, did you?” Suga asked.

“Not really. Even when I was a kid, I never pretended to be sick to not go to school. I just…”

“Don’t worry, Daichi. I like it, that you always play by the rules. It makes me trust you more.”

Daichi was moved by his words. Even his mother always complained that he was too obedient. And seriously what was wrong with doing things in the right way? Like making tea bag stay in the cup exactly as long it was written on the box? Kuroo and Bokuto mocked him about it too.

Once upon a time, Kuroo convinced him to buy a hair conditioner. They changed the bottle and the time it was supposed to stay on hair. Sure, Daichi thought that it was a little bit strange to wait twenty five minutes but he decided to trust the instructions especially since he didn’t know much about conditioners.

His hair was purple for four weeks. He had no idea how they found a hair dye this strong.

“I love you so much, Suga.”

“I love you too, Daichi.”

Daichi would have find this mood very romantic if not for yelling that continued outside. They started new quest apparently and things were very heated. Suddenly there was a he heard a very laud squeal. It was so bad he wanted to cover his ears and crawl under the bed. Suga clenched his arms around him. Daichi would give anything to make it disappear. Well, except for Suga. He wouldn’t give Suga up even for the sake of it stopping.

Is it the apocalypse? Is it the end of the world?

It was gone. Finally.

But then door opened quite abruptly. Oikawa walked in and ordered in still a little higher voice.

“Suga, out. Make yourself a coffee or change me as a team fairy. I need to speak with momma’s boy!” he was clearly excited.

Suga tried to hide undercover.

“Nope. I’m sleeping.”

“But Koushi-chan!” whined Oikawa.

“Make me a nice coffee and I will get out.”

Oikawa growled like an angry animal but turned and walked straight to the kitchen.

“Wow. He must really care if he didn’t argue” Suga wondered. “You know what is this about?” he asked Daichi.

“No idea.”

In the meantime Oikawa used all his barista skill and experience to make a coffee in the fastest way possible. He was back in a glimpse of an eye. Suga didn’t even have time to find socks. He was thrown out barefooted.

Oikawa immediately jumped on the bed as soon as the door closed.

“I just got the text from your mom. She’s telling me that you stole your grandmother’s engagement ring and you are going to propose to Suga! Is that true?! I want to know everything! When?! How?!”

Daichi paled. Oh no. He was definitely not ready for this conversation.

“I just… She would give me the ring! So I kind of took it… on the spur of the moment… And I know that it’s too soon but…”

“Let me help you! And I want to help you two plan the wedding!”

“Sure” at this point Daichi already knew for some time that if he married Suga his wedding would be half-planned by Oikawa and his mother. “You can even be a maiden of honor or something. If Suga is okay with that.”

“So when?!”

“I don’t know?”

“Daichi! You have to be more decisive! Propose!”

Daichi wished he had more confidence. He was almost sure that proposing wasn’t a good idea. But Oikawa was very convincing.

“We’ve been dating for just little over two months. You really think he’ll say yes?”

“Who knows. Suga is a little bit crazy.”

 

**Iwaizumi**

 

Dating Oikawa was a lot different than he imagined. When he visualized it before he thought that it would be pretty much like before. They would meet up, walk around with Xeno, make a diner, watch a movie, Oikawa would talk about his cosmetics and make a fancy coffee. The only things that would really change would be the genre of the movies (more aliens) and that Oikawa would talk about cosmetics and aliens. He supposed that there would be some kissing involved.

In the two or three, if counting the day of the volleyball match, days of dating Oikawa nothing was like he expected it to be.

Actually, it was crazy. But fun.

First of all, Oikawa turned out to be a sex god. A true, holy sex god. And he dared to act shy about it. He was always muttering something about little experience but seriously Oikawa just amazing. Iwaizumi never imagined sex could be this good and satisfying.

Seriously, Oikawa was an illumination. He knew perfectly where to touch and his heaps… Iwaizumi had no words. It was hotter than all the porn he watched in a lifetime combined. Way hotter.

Other than divine sex Oikawa engaged him in a very strange activities. And they were just getting weirder. For instance, they started the day by playing some games with Kuroo and Bokuto.

Oikawa was a very peculiar player. Caring about his character’s outfit more than life of other party members, especially if he didn’t care for the mission. But, when Kuroo got him interested in one of the quests he actually stopped slacking off. Before he was the one who constantly needed saving. But suddenly he completely changed and became the lead player, easily pulling off twenty hit combo like it was nothing.

Also he noticed that Kuroo and Oikawa flirted a lot. In real life and in game. In real life it was like from a cheap harlequin, for example when Oikawa asked for tea, Kuroo poured it for him saying “Anything for you, my sweet beloved and beautiful star prince”. It was worse in the game. According to Kuroo, Oikawa was the sexiest fairy in the fairylands and beyond, and Oikawa insisted, that Kuroo’s charater should be going around without armor because he liked his muscled chest.

 It bothered Iwaizumi a little but Oikawa just agreed to be his boyfriend earlier that morning so he didn’t want to push it.

Then Iwaizumi left for work. He did his full eight hours and came back. Bokuto was gone, Oikawa and Kuroo were just talking on the couch, smiling in a weird way. Iwaizumi looked at the screen. Oikawa’s and Kuroo’s characters were making out.

Iwaizumi tried to stay calm. But he was losing it. But surprisingly, when Oikawa saw him, he jumped up and run into his arms. He kissed him and said magical words:

“Iwa-chan, we ordered some take out. I got your awful agedashi tofu for you, even a bigger box of it!”

Suddenly jealousy magically disappeared. No matter what Oikawa was doing with Kuroo behind his back, Iwaizumi was never going to let him go. He grabbed Oikawa and pulled him into a passionate kiss. A sex god bringing him agedashi tofu. The best thing that could ever happen to him.

“Stop, I’m getting lonely” complained Kuroo. “If everyone around is making out longer I will be heartbroken. You will hear my heart break into thousand pieces. Literally. I swear on my 400 hours of Skyrim.”

Oikawa pulled away, much to Iwaizumi’s disappointment.

“What’s a Sky Rhythm? Some karaoke game?” he asked Kuroo.

Kuroo paled. He looked like he was about to cry. He took his phone in hand and dialed some number.

“Suga? I know I promised not to be mean to Oikawa. But he asked question. And I’m scared. I’m so scared, Suga. It’s like a mouse.” there was a pause when Kuroo was just listening. “You’re right, villains aren’t afraid. And I have to be a good, nice villain now so I can have Oikawa help me  destroy the world later. Thank you, Suga.”

Iwaizumi watched. As Kuroo put his phone away and formed a really terrifying villain smile on his face.

“Skyrim is a game, my lovely star boy. I’m going to show you. We are going to enjoy ourselves.”

In Iwaizumi’s opinion it was creepy as hell. He protectively placed his arms around Oikawa’s waist.

“It’s shady as fuck, I’m not giving you my boyfriend” he stated.

“Iwa-chan, you’re so strong and manly!” gushed Oikawa.

“You are pissing me off!” yelled Kuroo in a sudden rage tantrum. “Come here. I can’t hurt you in a real life but let me at least duel you in a brutal game!”

He turned off the game with kissing characters and suddenly a huge sign _TEKKEN_ appeared. Oikawa sat next to him on the couch, leaving Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi knew that choosing characters was always taking time with Oikawa so he went to get his tofu. He still heard the conversation that they were having.

“We are going for a quick combat because I just really want to hit you. Choose a character.”

“Oh, my god, those guys are so sexy. Why did you hide this game from me, Tetsu-chan?!”

Eventually Oikawa didn’t choose any of the hot guys or beautiful girls. He chose a boxing Kangaroo named Roger. Iwaizumi made it in time to see Oikawa use some twelve hit combo and knock Kuroo out in few seconds.

“That game is easy and fun, Tetsu-chan!” he said after unlocking a new super combo in the second round.

Kuroo was speechless. He got just one hit before Oikawa finished him off. It was painful to watch.

“Are you Master Yoda secret lovechild?” Kuroo asked seriously. “Because you may annoy me but really you are from out of this world.”

Iwaizumi just really hoped that he misheard or it would be the worse pick up line he has ever heard. And he heard a lot today.

“Aww, Tetsu-chan, you’re sweet but I have too much hair to be Yoda’s offspring.”

“Maybe Han Solo’s? Wait, no way, since you are even hotter than him and his ship combined.”

As much as he hated it, Iwaizumi actually wished he could sweet talk Oikawa like that. But what could he do? Kuroo was so smooth. The only thing that came into Iwaizumi’s mind were something about Oikawa’s perfect skin and E.T. but somehow he doubted Oikawa would appreciate it.

“Then you must be a descendant of xenomorphs” responded Oikawa. “because your words burn into my heart like it’s blood burned through Nostromo’s decks.”

Kuroo had tears in his eyes. Iwaizumi hoped they were fake.

“It was so beautiful, star prince. But not nearly as beautiful as you are.”

Iwaizumi wanted to die. Or say something. But he just didn’t know what he could say. Nothing seemed appropriate for this fucked up situation that was happening now right in front of him.

So he decided just to stick with wanting to die.

 


	21. In which strawberries attack unexpectedly

**Iwaizumi**

 

Iwaizumi always thought that going out with Oikawa would cost him a lot of money. But there he was, four days since the volleyball match and since they got together and he still hasn’t spent a single penny. Tonight Oikawa invited him over for a diner so there would be no bill to pay either.

However, he read online that the lack of expense, even though it did wonders to his spending planning, wasn’t entirely good for their relationship. That’s why he decided to follow the advice of random people who created the list of things he should do to become “the best boyfriend she’s ever had”. Oikawa wasn’t exactly a she but Iwaizumi thought that he could let it slide.

The list insisted that he should buy Oikawa something small since dating him was kind of intense and their week anniversary was approaching. First he thought about wine but then he remembered Oikawa complaining, that he had too much wine since he had gotten a huge stash after their initial break up and now it was occupying most of his kitchen cupboards.

So no wine. Chocolates were not an option because earlier Oikawa sent him a picture of a cake Ushiwaka gave him. And he preferred to keep alien gifts for more special occasions. That left him with the most mainstream option: flowers.

He texted Daichi to get the name of the place where he was buying flowers for Suga. He dropped by the store on his way from work but walked straight out of it after seeing the prices. No way he was spending this horrible amount of money that would allow him to take Oikawa out for a very fancy diner on few flowers that are going to die in few days.

But when he was driving to Oikawa’s he saw some old lady selling flowers on the street. He knew that if he stopped he would have to buy something. He hesitated. And decided that Oikawa was a true sex god and deserved flowers.

To tell the truth, Iwaizumi knew shit about the flowers. He just knew that roses were mainstream. He decided to take few peonies because he remembered that probably Harry Potter’s aunt had them in her garden. And she aspired to be posh so a posh boy like Oikawa would be glad to receive them.

He already paid when he noticed that old lady wasn’t alone. Her granddaughter who looked like kindergartener  was sitting on a stool, making flower crowns. Iwaizumi was petrified. It was perfect. So perfect. He asked little girl to make a big crown for Oikawa.   

That would make him stand out. Probably none of Oikawa’s exes got him a flower crown. Now Iwaizumi would be a special one.

 After a little thinking he reached a conclusion that he should stop by some pharmacy or a store to buy new condoms.

 

**Daichi**

 

Suga was living with Oikawa for years at this point but somehow Oikawa still managed to surprise him. When he and Daichi entered the apartment Oikawa making a nest a blanket nest on the floor and a pig in a baby stroller, Daichi was startled. Suga was more experienced so he just looked at it in confusion.

“Is this Ushiwaka’s Tooru?” he asked.

“Uahiwaka’s what?” Daichi repeated.

“Ushiwaka got himself a pet pig and named it after love of his life” Suga explained like there was nothing weird about it.

“I’m not love of his life!” Oikawa protested. “And the pig’s name will be changed. How do you like Pantene? It would be awesome if the pig’s name was Pantene.”

“You hate Pantene” Suga pointed out and approached to pet the pig. “You used it once and just wouldn’t shut up about how your handmade shampoo is better.”

“But the name is cool. I mean it’s not my pig, so it doesn’t have to… you’re right” Oikawa sighed. “Even Ushiwaka’s pig doesn’t deserve to be named after this disgrace of a shampoo.”

Before they knew, they had spent an hour on Oikawa’s laptop googling various cosmetic companies in hope that they would find a name suitable for a cute piglet. Daichi was awfully curious about what pig was doing here but Suga and Oikawa were so engaged in the search that he didn’t want do disturb them.

Finally they decided on Ziaja, some Polish company, because Oikawa like the sound of it and their products’ components. Now, that the new name was established, Daichi dared to ask:

“So… Why is Ziaja here?”

“Because Ushiwaka and Shirabu are on a date right now!” Oikawa announced gleefully, causing Suga’s jaw to drop.

“No way!” he exhaled and settled more comfortably on the couch waiting for the whole story. “Details, Tooru! Now!”

Oikawa smiled with satisfaction.

“I set them up. Personally. Ushiwaka is so blunt he won’t know this is a date until someone tells him and Shirabu well…He thought that it would be a double date with me and Iwa-chan but I decided it would be better if they were alone.”

Daichi met both those guys. And as far as he knew this idea was terrible. Shirabu would be too pissed to seduce Ushijima, Ushijima could go to the most romantic place in the city and he still would think it was a diner with a friend. So generally Daichi could see absolutely no prospect of a future date.

But like hell he was going to point that out. He liked living and dating Suga. He wouldn’t want to offend The Pretty Boy. It could possibly result in having everything he loved destroyed.

Fortunately Suga had more guts than he had and was able to voice it out.

“It won’t work, Tooru.”

“Suga! Why are you crushing my dreams?!” Oikawa yelled.

“You are doing it wrong. You should make Ushiwaka see Shirabu as a potential date and then make them go on a date. I don’t know, send him a pics of Shirabu collecting crops or milking cows. Ushiwaka would be so into that.”

“Awww, Shirabu would look so cute in a farmer boy cosplay!!!” Oikawa squiled. “I’m going to take him out and will buy some clothes. How could I have not thought about it? I bet that one glance at Shirabu in overalls and a straw hat will make Ushiwaka hot and bothered.”

Daichi couldn’t believe that he liked so much pies made such a pervert. But those pies were just incredible. And cakes, and tarts, and muffins… he dozed off thinking about food.

He almost didn’t notice when Oikawa left for a walk with his dog and Ushiwaka’s pig in a stroller.

“Hey Daichi…” Suga started shyly. “You know how we are never alone to do stuff?” Daichi nodded. “We are… kind off alone now…”

Daichi felt his cheek turn red.

“Are you sure?” he asked Suga hesitating. “Oikawa could be back soon…”

“Don’t worry. I think that he will want to show off with the pig in a stroller around the neighborhood for at least one hour. He likes when people notice him doing flashy, weird things.”

“If you want to… then I want it too” Daichi whispered and kissed Suga tenderly.

Suga smiled widely. Daichi’s heart was bumping so loudly that if he was in one of Suga’s dating games whole screen would be filled with huge _doki doki_.

“Let’s go to my bedroom” Suga invited him.

He stood up and took his hand leading him to the other room. Things were getting real. They got even more real when Suga sat on the bed and started taking his and Daichi’s clothes off. Daichi was terrified. What if he wasn’t good enough for Suga? What if he screwed up? It was highly probable since it was him.

Suga kissed him again. Daichi really wished that he could just let himself focus on Suga but he was far to panicked to do that.

And of course Suga noticed.

“Daichi, if you are not ready to have sex with me it’s okay” he assured him with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

“N-no!” he protested. “I want to. But I’m scared that I will screw up and…”

Suga interrupted him with a kiss.

“I will love you even if you screw up very badly. Don’t worry too much, there will be plenty other times after so we can slowly learn how to please each other.”

Daichi had no idea how he ended up with someone so perfect.

They started kissing, more passionately than before. Daichi could feel Suga’s smooth skin under his fingers finally and it was an amazing feeling. His hands somehow ventured lower and…

“Wait, Daichi”

Of course. Too soon. Or something. He knew he would screw up.

“Let me find condoms and lube” Suga explained.

He sat up and started to look through his nightstand’s drawer. Daichi didn’t want to disturb him but he just couldn’t help himself and kept kissing Suga’s neck. Suddenly Suga freezed.

“They are not here.”

“Maybe you’ve put them somewhere else…” Daichi suggested but Suga already stood up.

“No, Daichi. I remember that I’ve left them here. There is only one possibility. Oikawa stole it. Come, we have to look in his room.”

“But… won’t he kill us?” Daichi asked cautiously.

Suga just shrugged and left the room. Daichi followed, still feeling very uncomfortable.

They started the search. Daichi was opening the drawers and trying not to move anything in hope that Pretty Boy wouldn’t notice. Suga on the other hand, was making a huge mess, pulling everything out an throwing it on the bed or on the floor.

Daichi has never seen so many small starship models.

Oikawa had Star Wars coloring book. That was kind of cute. And all those alien socks. Just amazing.

The most fascinating item that Daichi found were hair pins. Oikawa never used them but he had a whole box of them. There were some with Chewbacca, some with little stars that looked like made for a little princess. And few really creepy ones with Xenomorph.

Finally Daichi noticed the condoms. There was an empty box in a trash can.

“Sorry, Suga” he said.

“Oh my god, how?! They got together few days ago, how the hell could they have already used a whole box?!”

“Well… Iwaizumi said something about Oikawa being a sex god so I would guess… they could?”

Suga looked really resigned and sad. He sat on the pile of alien trash that currently covered Oikawa’s bed and looked down. Daichi joined him and reassuringly petted his hair.

“I just wanted to… Finally…”

“You know…” Daichi kissed his cheek. “If we hurry and dress up maybe we can go buy new ones and still have time to..”

But they didn’t. The line in the store was huge and when they came back Oikawa and Iwaizumi were already here. And Oikawa was very excited about his flower crown.

“Look Suga! I’m a prince!”

“More like crowned thief” Suga muttered.

“What?!” Oikawa gasped fabulously.

“Just never steal my condoms again, okay?” Suga asked seriously.

“OH MY GOD!” Oikawa got clearly excited. “You wanted to use them!!!”

Suga rolled his eyes but when Oikawa jumped to hug him he let him. Iwaizumi patted Daichi’s shoulder.

“Congrats, man” he said. “It took you just few months, not bad.”

“Just shut up. We didn’t do anything because you used all the condoms in this apartment.”

“Suga, I’m so sorry!” Oikawa claimed. “Let me make it up to you!”

“Will you leave?” Suga suggested.

“We could. But Ziaja Godzilla Ushijilla has to stay. She can’t go out to often or she will catch a cold. Do you really want to have sex with a pig in the apartment?”

Suga shook his head.

“But Koushi-chan!” Oikawa said with a broad smile. “You two should go for a walk and I will make you a fantastic diner with Iwa-chan! And Ushiwaka gave us a cake! It will be fabulous, just let me!”

Suga and Daichi shared a look. Suga was still mad and disappointed but apparently he wanted free good food. Daichi understood. So they agreed.

So they got thrown out of the apartment. It was already pretty late so Daichi didn’t mind a romantic walk under the stars. What is more, Oikawa felt so guilty he called whoever had shift at Shiratorizawa right now and granted them free coffees.

They slowly walked, ordered some extra expensive coffees from special summer edition and moved to the park with them. They sat on a bench, gazing at stars. Suga was so beautiful in the moonlight.

Daichi decided that his coffee has cooled a little so he could drink it without burning his tongue. Carefully he held it against his lips and then he felt an odd smell. A smell he knew and hated. A particularly deadly smell.

Strawberries.

Apparently Spinning Fresh Laguna was made with strawberries. And he had such high hopes for a coffee with such a name. He sighed.

“Suga, you want a second coffee? Mine has strawberries.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Daichi, I know you were excited about Spinning Laguna. Wanna switch?”  Suga asked, like it was a very natural thing to do.

“But you wanted your butterscotch caramel blended ice coffee with white tea so badly…” Daichi protested.

“It’s okay” Suga insisted .

“But you don’t like strawberries!”

“It’s not that I hate them. So give me your coffee.”

Daichi still had his doubts but exchanged coffees with Suga. He felt so guilty. Suga’s coffee looked so perfect. He took a sip.

Suddenly all his life changed.

This was the best drink he has ever had. And Suga gave it away like it was nothing.

Before he knew, before he has even thought about it, words were coming out of his mouth.

“Suga. Marry me.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“I mean… in a future or…”

His first instinct was to take it back. But after seeing excitement in Suga’s eyes he decided that he didn’t really care about logic or how such things should be done. Or what would Oikawa do when he found out that Daichi didn’t use his proposal plan.

He just put the coffee down and got on one knee. He took out the ring from his pocket.

“Suga. I want to marry you. Will you let me be your husband? And if you want a better proposal later, I can do that too” he added quickly.

Suga looked happy. That gave Daichi hope. But never in his wildest dreams he suspected what Suga was about to say.

“Daichi. Let’s elope.”

 

**Ushijima   Wakatoshi**

 

Diner with Shirabu was a very pleasant experience. Shirabu had an outstanding knowledge about rural owls thanks to his robotic owl project.

What is more he agreed to accompany Ushijima on a field trip next week. Wakatoshi was very excited about the harvesting event and he was glad he would be able to share this fascinating experience with a friend.

Now he just needed to email the farmer to inform him that he would have a plus one. And also he had to ask him about possible home-brewed alcohol tasting since Shirabu was very curious about that.

He knock on the door to collect his Tooru from Oikawa Tooru. He was greeted by a fine man with a wide knowledge about horse physiology who was also Tooru’s boyfriend. He might have had doubts about Iwaizumi at first, especially after the misunderstanding that hurt Oikawa Tooru. However, Ushijima decided to forgive him since Iwaizumi help him with getting Tooru and Oikawa Tooru was apparently happy with him.

“Hello, Iwaizumi. I came for Tooru The Pig.”

“I am deeply sorry, Ushijima” Iwaizumi said, grieving deeply. “Tooru The Pig is no more. Oikawa The Boyfriend renamed it and you how lovely he is… your pig wanted to please him. She chose to go by the name Oikawa chose for her. She already grew attached to it and doesn’t respond to other names.”

“What would her new name be?” Ushijima asked like it was a matter of life and death.

“Ziaja Godzilla Ushijilla.”

“Sounds worthy of my princess” Ushijima Wakatoshi accepted. 

That was when beautiful Oikawa Tooru appeared before him holding his pig tenderly in his handsome arms.

“Ushiwaka-chan! How was your date with Rabu-chan?!”

Ushijima Wakatoshi crooked his head in clear confusion.

“Date?” he repeated.


	22. In which Sandarella has a crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done... makes me feel kind of sad... o(TヘTo)

**Shirabu**

 

Shirabu was using his lunch break at Shiratorizawa to sit in the kitchen and eat a sandwich Ushiwaka made him on the side. It wasn’t anything special. When they shared a shift Ushiwaka would always make him a sandwich.

What was different now was that Ushijima was acting weird. Not normally weird but legitely strange.

He was clearly confused and averted looking at Shirabu.

Yesterday’s diner was a real challenge for Shirabu. It demanded a lot of wine. He was glad that they ended up buying only two bottles. He was so mad that Oikawa, that little shit, screwed him over and left him alone with oblivious Ushiwaka.

But apparently Oikawa managed to screw up even more when Ushiwaka went to his place afterwards to release him from pig-sitting duty. Shirabu had no idea what did he say to poor Ushiwaka but it must have crushed him pretty badly. He couldn’t even look at Shirabu.

And he messed up his sandwich. This has never happened before.

“Oi, Ushijima. You didn’t add any cheese. Is this a suggestion that I’m fat or something?”

Ushijima was visibly starteled.

“Forgive me, Kenjirou. I will bring your cheese immediately. And judging from the way you knot your Shiratorizawa apron so tightly I would say your waist is very slender.”

Ushiwaka diligently fixed Shirabu’s sandwich with few types of cheese. Just one would be enough and those additional cheeses were not in his usual. Something was definitely wrong with Ushiwaka.

“I don’t need that much of cheese, you know?” Shirabu said.

“I just thought, you would like some.”

In the following few minutes of his break Ushijima strange things happened. Ushiwaka averted his eyes rather obviously, he burned a tart, and used whipped cream frosting on a chicken wrap.

“Is there something wrong?”  Shirabu asked with confusion.

He was sure it was Oikawa’s fault.

“No.”

Another minute passed in silence. Ushijima managed to knock down a bottle of mayonnaise but luckily it was plastic so it didn’t break. Shirabu decided not to comment on this failure.

Finally Ushijima looked like he gathered his courage and faced Shirabu.

“Kenjirou. There will be an animated movie about farm animals in movie theaters starting this weekend. Since you like cartoons I thought maybe you would like to accompany me?”

Shirabu blinked. It sounded awfully like a date invitation, especially since it was coming from Ushijima who wasn’t particularly smooth. He watch him try to pick up Oikawa for few years so he knew well that the man was as smooth as sandpaper.

However, he had to decline. Because of honor.

“Anime. Is. Not. A. Cartoon.” He informed Ushiwaka slowly.

“Oh” Ushijima was confused. “I didn’t know.”

Shirabu sighed. Maybe it was time. Oikawa was taken, Ushijima was moving on. Maybe finally he would have a chance. He reached his phone and googled his secret weapon. _No-Rin._ He chose a picture with a visible tractor and crops.

“Here. This is anime about a cute girl and farming. I can watch it with you and your pig if you want.”

Ushijima blinked, analyzing picture and Shirabu very closely.

“I would be delighted” he said finally. “Which cake would be most suitable for this occasion?”

 

**Bokuto**

 

Daichi was gone. And he took Suga with him.

They broke in in the middle of the night when he and Kuroo fell asleep on the couch together after watching scary movie. Daichi packed his suitcase and left a note on a table saying that he and Suga are running off and maybe they will be back or maybe they won’t.

That placed Kuroo and Bokuto in a dangerous situation.

They counted food. It was not enough. And apparently they were not really Mrs. Sawamura’s children, so she wouldn’t drop by as often as before.

“Bro. Where will we get food?”

“I don’t know. But we’re screwed” Kuroo summarized. “No food… It makes me wanna die, bro.”

“Let’s die” Bokuto agreed and started up Dark Souls III.

After few dozen deaths and a cage full of corpses chasing after him, Bokuto screamed and hid under the bed. Kuroo defeated next boss and then joined him for company.

They were feeling a little better now. Dealing with surreal problems often helped them realize that the real ones were not half as scary as anything in Dark Souls.

The other thing that helped was using toys to reevaluate real problems. That’s why they picked up owl Felicita and cat Shadowpaw. With little help toys were able to work together and find a solution.

“Think, Felicita, think!” Shadowpaw insisted. “Where do people get food from?!”

“I think they prepare it themselves. Mostly.”

“Our owners can’t do something like that, you know it well.”

“Some people eat at restaurants” Felicita pointed out.

“My Felicita! So smart! But owners don’t have money to eat out everyday.”

“There is also some food at supermarket!”

“It’s not tasty. Master Kuroo dislikes it” Shadowpaw announced grimly. “There is something…”

“What? Do you have an idea, Shadowpaw?!”

“They should get someone to cook for them!”

Felicita gasped and Bokuto with her.

“But Shadowpaw?! HOW?!”

“Think. I see two possibilities. Daichi has two people giving him food. We can’t get another mother for our owners, they are too old for adoption and their real mothers apparently don’t care. But they could get cute lovers cooking for them!”

“Master Bokuto will never cheat on Akaashi!” Felicita protested .

“They aren’t even together!”

“It doesn’t make their love any less real.”

“I have one more idea” Shadowpaw thought intensively. “Owners must become rich and hire a hot maid.”

“Oh, or a cute made! In an outfit and everything!” Felicita cheered. “But how can masters become rich?”

Puppets as well as their masters, had no idea.

 

**Iwaizumi**

 

Iwaizumi was seriously considering the idea that Oikawa was alien agent under cover. There was absolutely no possibility that he really had some kind of soul bond with his best friend.

Currently Oikawa was overusing his boyfriend status and forcing him to rush to the city hall. He tried to even force him to not to stop on the red lights but Iwaizumi was a safe driver and he would never agree to that especially with his precious sex god boyfriend and a cute dog in a car.

Oikawa was waving his smartphone with opened Google Maps and yelling like a slave driver:

“Iwa-chan! Now left! Google says there is a shortcut!”

Iwaizumi was really, really happy when they reached their destination. This was a drive from hell.

But Oikawa forced him to run. They were running and running. Iwaizumi disliked this run. He liked to jog with Daichi but he hated pushing through old ladies in the city hall.

Surprisingly enough, Oikawa was right. Suga and Daichi were there, waiting in line to get their marriage license.

“KOUSHI-CHAN!!! YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED TODAY!” Oikawa screamed .

Suga and Daichi paled and exchanged a terrified look.

“Tooru, how… how did you find us?” Suga asked with clear confusion.

“Sometimes when I don’t know where are you I track your phone. And you two are not getting married. I won’t allow it.”

Well. Tracking Suga’s phone certainly made more sense than soul bond.

“But…” Daichi protested. “I thought I had your blessing…”

“Silly Momma’s Boy. I said you can propose. Me and your mom need to plan your wedding now. You two can help, of course. But don’t think you can run away from our plans.”

Suga sighed. Apparently after so many years he knew that there was no winning against Oikawa here.

“Fine. We won’t get married today” he agreed to Daichi’s horror.

“But Suga!”

“Don’t worry, we are still getting married. Just a little bit later. And in front of your mother and Oikawa because they won’t let it go” explained Suga.

When they were kissing to seal the deal, Oikawa was intensively clicking something on his phone. On messenger.

“Tooru, do you seriously think it’s the right time to send messages?” Iwaizumi whispered.

“Wait for it, Iwa-chan, it’s going to be so awesome.” Oikawa whispered back. “Koushi-chan, Daichi” he said aloud solemnly. “I have an engagement gift for you. Suga, check your phone.”

Suga opened new message from Oikawa and stared at it in shock.

“You’re… giving us a trip? An all-inclusive  two week vacation and plane tickets? Tooru.”

He rushed to hug Oikawa. Oikawa smilled with satisfaction. Daichi, with a little more hesitation hugged him too.

“Thanks” he said.

“You make my Suga-chan happy, Daichi. Don’t you dare screw it up like Iwaizumi did.”

Iwaizumi decided that it was not the time to feel offended by that.

“But, Tooru, after redoing your room, reasearch and everything…” Suga said. “I thought you were broke. Are you sure you can afford it?”

“My moisturizer won a huge award and now few companies are killing each other for it. I’m rich, Suga-chan” Oikawa smiled. “And now I’m even more out of Iwa-chan’s league so he’ll need to treat me like a princess!”

“Shut up, Trashykawa” Iwaizumi muttered .

“Anyway” said Oikawa. “You two should go! Your plane is leaving in few hours!”

In the next few minutes Iwaizumi saw a lot more hugging, thanking and even crying. Oikawa of course cried the most, with real crocodile tears.

 

**Bokuto**

 

 Lady Sandarella Mirabella Pouncy got her ass kicked by Corporal Featherfluff in a futile attempt to eat him during the hyperactive phase at night. Shirabu wasn’t even mad about the incident. He calmly made them coffee and now was helping Bokuto repair both of them since they were pretty messed up.

“Do you think we should make them feathers when they grow up and become better behaving?” asked Bokuto.

“If you want to. If they lose any, Corporal will clean them immediately so at least it won’t leave any mess.”

“And they would be so fluffy!”

“But first Sandarella needs to stop attacking Corporal. She’s so stupid. Eren would never attack Corporal. I would literally program him into worshiping and loving him.”

“Eren?”

“Titan Owl” Shirabu explained .

“That’s a nice name. But a little… boring” Shirabu glared him with bloodlust in his eyes so Bokuto decided to abandon the subject. “Hey, Shirabu, I know that you don’t ship this but… maybe you could program Sandarella to love and worship Corporal? Or maybe at least to have a crush on him? Maybe then she will stop attacking him.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have programed Sandarella into attacking everything.”

“But Shibabu! She’s a worrior!”

Shirabu sighed. Bokuto took it as a good sign.

“Fine. She can worship and adore him” Shirabu agreed without any excitement in his voice.

Bokuto on the other hand cheered loudly for owl love.

“Yes! She’ll work so hard! And then when we get founds and stuff maybe they will talk! And her first words will be “Notice me senpai” !!!!”

“By the way” Shirabu said, changing the subject. “Your roommate is an actor, right? My friend from programming said that his company is looking for a voice actor to impersonate main villain in their game, the casting will be next week. I thought he would be interested.”

Bokuto had no idea what happened to Shirabu today but he didn’t care  apparently Shirabu was turning into a good person and Bokuto was very happy they were making owls together.

Maybe later Shirabu would give him a discount on cookies and sandwiches at Shiratorizawa. And then they wouldn’t starve to death.

 

 


	23. In which Ushiwaka forgot a stroller but nobody noticed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of am not ready for it to end... BUT HERE WE GO

**OIKAWA**

Everything was almost ready for diner. Together with Suga, he worked hard to prepare a meal for twelve people. Officially it was supposed to be for eight but they knew well that some of their friend’s stomachs were endless holes that had to be respected and taken into account.

He was putting final touches on the soup and Suga was not helping. Apparently Suga got a really hard feelings case since the engagement. He would see Daichi in an hour but still they had the need to skype right now. They were so sickeningly in love it was hard to look.

“Daichi, it doesn’t matter what you wear, I will love you anyway” insisted Suga.

“I know. But I don’t want my mother to blame you for my looks…”

“Just wear the black shirt I got you, you look so hot in it.”

Oikawa was saved by a doorbell. It was Ushiwaka with cake. With a pig in a stroller. As soon as they came in, Xeno rushed to greet his friend. It was cute how well he was getting along with the pig. They were quickly becoming best friends.

“Hello, Oikawa Tooru. I brought you cake.”

“Thanks, Ushiwaka.”

“As we agreed on the phone, I would exchange cake for advice.”

His question must have been particularly weird if he needed to bring cake to justify it. It made Oikawa even more curious. Especially since Ushijima seemed pretty stiff and nervous.  He decided to invite him in and make something to drink. This ought to be good.

“Would you like a tea or coffee?”

“Do you have genmaicha?”

Of course Ushiwaka would want a tea with rice in it. Crops, farms and stuff like that after all.

“Sure. So what is your problem, Waka-chan?”

“I would like to consult my problem with your expert knowledge.”

Oikawa sated himself comfortably on a couch with Ushiwaka. Dog and pig were playing on the carpet like a true best friends and Suga locked himself in his room to continue talking to his fiancé. Who was going to be here in an hour. Crazy.

“Go on” Oikawa encouraged.

“Because you seem to be an expert when it comes to kissing…”

Oikawa couldn’t believe this was happening. He never thought that this day would finally come. Ushiwaka was growing up and thinking about kissing other boys. Well, other than Oikawa. Finally. He just hoped that it didn’t mean the end of his endless cake supplies.

“OH MY GOD. DO YOU WANT TO KISS SOMEONE, USHIWAKA-CHAN?!”

“I might have…. considered it.”

“OH MY GOD!!! You are so cute!”

Ushiwaka blinked in surprise. Apparently he didn’t realize his own cuteness at all.

“Tooru. I would like your help with that. Because it’s complicated. I am not sure if he’s interested in me in that way. Or if he’s even interested in boys.”

Ushiwaka had always had possessed this strange ability to render Oikawa speechless. However, this time he has outdone himself. When the primary surprise left him, rage devoured him.

“NO. I am not helping you cheat on Shirabu.”

This time it was Ushijima who was surprised.

“How do you know about Shirabu?”

“I work with you two. How could I not know?! And I’m not letting you destroy this relationship!”

Ushijima Wakatoshi looked sad. His pig looked sad too. Apparently she grew really attached to her owner.

“I understand that my feelings towards Kenjirou are deeply inappropriate. I will try my best to control them and not attempt to kiss him because it would be betrayal of our friendship.”

Oikawa looked at him. He just couldn’t believe that Ushijima could be so stupid and oblivious. Just how this was possible. No, it was impossible. He needed to make sure.

“So when I said “cheat on” you understood it as cheating on your friendship with Shirabu?”

“Of course.”

God. What an idiot. He was right. Most of the wing spikers were apes.

“Ushijima” he said fiercely. “I didn’t mean that. Shirabu would be very happy if you confessed and kissed him.  But I need to make sure you won’t screw up. You know what? Daichi’s mom asked after you so you should stay for diner. And I will text Shirabu to come too.”  

 

**SAWAMURA KYOUKO**

 

It was a lovely and thoughtful of her future son-in-law to invite her as well as his and Daichi’s friends for a dinner to officially celebrate the engagement. She could almost forgive them for this attempted eloping thing they did. Luckily Tooru had stopped them. He was such a treasure.

However, she didn’t understand why he lowered his standards so much.

She did not like Iwaizumi. He was okay when he was Daichi’s friend. She didn’t like him a lot but then again she met him just few times in passing. But now, when he was dating her lovely Tooru, she just could stand how disrespectful he was.

She was now listening to Kuroo’s story but on the side she couldn’t help get triggered every time this mean Iwaizumi called her Oikawa “Trashkawa”, “Stupidkawa” and things like that. He apparently liked degrading Tooru and she just couldn’t let it be. She knew this type of man. They always go worse as the time passed. Good thing Kuroo was telling his story in a very passionate and devoted way. It made it easier for her not to yell at Iwaizumi. Yet. She knew acting hastily wouldn’t work. She needed to be patient. She needed to act cautiously or else Tooru would just ignore good reason and keep on dating this thing.

She should wait was a perfect moment and then destroy them.

She focused on Kuroo’s story. It was truly moving. And not only because he finally decided to look for a job, which she thought he wouldn’t do for at least few more years. She was so proud of him, her little breadwinner with his great love for cats and games. And apparently pudding.

“And then, I’m about to walk out of the building. I feel awesome because this interview was awesome. And the part is awesome. And I’m awesome but I would be even more awesome if I played this villain. But it was not the most awesome part. So I’m walking out. Looking even more cool than usually. And there he is. Making himself a coffee. With milk. A lot of milk. He must like milk. Like a cat. And he had the cutest oversized clothes and pudding hair. Wait, no! His hair wasn’t the cutest! He’s face was!”

“Did you ask him out, Tetsurou?” she asked.

“I wanted to! But he’s kind of shy, almost didn’t talk to me! But I will! And it will be so spectacular that company will remember it for decades! This _city_ will remember it!” he claimed, completely serious. “It will be so awesome, that emperor will ask for invitation to our wedding!”

She looked as Iwaizumi stole a piece of tomato from Tooru’s plate. Not only he was disrespectful asshole but also a thief. It was so hard to believe that this thing was the boy Tooru was trying to win over for months. Maybe he was an evil twin?

“And since we are talking about asking out…” she changed the subject and turned to the unexpected guest. “Wakatoshi, where is this boy that you like?”

“He should be here soon. His lecture finished half an hour ago” answered Ushijima, sounding a little bit worried. “Would you like a little bit more salad, madame?”

He was such a sweet boy. It’s a pity things didn’t work out between him and Oikawa. He was so much better than this Iwaizumi character.

“Thank, you, honey. And don’t worry. If what Tooru said is true, he likes you a lot. He went with you to milk the cows last week, right?”

“Yes, he did. It was a very pleasant experience.”

“And what does your friend like?” she asked. “Does he have any hobbies?”

“He likes robots and Japanese cartoons. And math. He really enjoys optimization problems.”

“Sounds like cows are pretty far from his usual interests…”

“He also likes to watch Ushiwaka bake” Bokuto added. “So I would say their cow-date was pretty interesting for him.”

Ushiwaka looked at Bokuto studiously.

“You know a lot of private things, Shirabu doesn’t share with me” he stated. “And you visit him at work a lot. Are you secretly dating him?”

Kuroo hit the table with his head, causing everyone’s drinks to spill, and started laughing loudly. Bokuto was rather outraged.

“I would never! I love only Akaashi!” he said.

Iwaizumi sighed and took a long sip from Oikawa’s wine glass. That did it. She detested him. And she would never approve of their relationship. Screw the plan and the waiting. She would no longer play nice.

“Iwazumi” she said coldly. “Would you mind getting yourself your own glass?”

“Mine was empty” he dared to start a discussion with her. “I didn’t realize it was anyone’s concern except for me and Oikawa so I assumed it was okay.”

So disrespectful. And probably alcoholic since his glass was already empty.  She wanted to say something that would destroy him and make Oikawa immediately leave him and possibly destroy his life but she got interrupted by the doorbell.

 

**SHIRABU**

 

He had no idea why he agreed to all this. Of course he was greeted at the door with not only by Oikawa but also by the whole animal farm because Xeno was teaching Ziaja to greet the guest. Fucking mad house.

He just hoped this event wouldn’t look like a family diner at home. He really didn’t need it right now, and he came just because Ushiwaka supposedly had things to say and he needed to do that in front of everyone, god knows why.

He was seated by the table, next to Ushiwaka. There were weird people. With weird hair. One of them was Bokuto and another his BFF, Kuroo. And Iwaizumi whose hair looked like a fucking pokemon but who was he to judge.

There was a guy clinging to Suga who probably was he boyfriend. Between Suga and Oikawa sat a judgmental lady. She looked like she wanted to kill Iwaizumi. Apparently she was The Mother. Shirabu couldn’t figure out whose because she treated them all like her own kids. It took him one look to know that she was weird and pathological. Almost like his own mother. But it made him uncomfortable. It was getting to similar to family diner. He hated family diners. At least this time he wasn’t the black ship of the family. It was clear that Iwaizumi was firmly holding this position.

 And of course there was Ushiwaka he was feeding his pig by hand. Seriously. So disgusting. Shirabu preferred not to imagine what will happen when the pig grows up.  He really hoped that by then Ushiwaka would stop treating her like his baby. Wishful thinking.

Would Ushiwaka treat their theoretical babies like that pig? Disgusting. Maybe good that they probably won’t have any.

Damn Ushiwaka’s strong hands and caring nature. And his cakes.

After dessert Ushiwaka poured everyone more wine and stood up like he was going to say something important. Probably toast. After all, Suga got engaged. Shirabu was so not in the mood to congratulate people on their happiness.

“We gathered here today to celebrate a beautiful event. Sugawara Koushi, my dearest friend’s best friend is engaged to a worthy man. And Iwaizumi Hajime cleared up his misunderstanding with Oikawa Tooru so we don’t have to beat him up anymore.” The mother scoffed at that, clearly displeased. “Cheers to that.”

Everybody except outraged mother and Shirabu cheered and gladly toasted to that. Shirabu and mother drank the wine quickly to get drunk as soon as possible because they both apparently found the situation hard to bear.

However Ushiwaka wasn’t done. He put his glass down but he was still standing.

“I have something to confess” he announced.

Oh no. Now Ushiwaka wanted to confess his crimes. What the hell has he done? Did he overfeed the pig with some gourmet food? Seriously?

“I want to confess that I want to kiss Shirabu.”

Shirabu’s jaw dropped. He didn’t expect that. It took him few seconds to realize what Ushiwaka said. And that he had said it in front of everyone. He knew that Ushiwaka was too candid to think that he needed audience for a confession. There was just one person who would have put him up to this.

“Oikawa. I’m going to murder you” he hissed.

Oikawa didn’t look like he cared. On the other hand Ushiwaka’s expression changed to sad. What a fucking moron.

“Oh. I am sad to hear that you don’t want to kiss me. Oikawa told me that you surely would. I didn’t want to put you in this position, Kenjirou.”

Shirabu sighed. Dating Ushijima was going to be taught.

“I want to kiss you. But in privet, not as a show for Oikawa” he explained.

“That’s understandable. Sorry that I didn’t think about it. Excuse us.”

Ushiwaka put the leash on his pig took Shirabu’s hand and marched out of the gathering.

Even outside could hear Oikawa’s complaining about being neglected and left behind when he wanted to watch.

Shirabu smirked and squeezed Ushiwaka’s hand.

Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.

**BOKUTO**

 

The following day Kuroo and Bokuto ran out of magical shampoo. They immediately called Pretty Boy begging him for more. Luckily Oikawa had some to spare. Kuroo was supposed to get it but since he was called in to sign some papers for work, which of course he got, so he couldn’t meet Oikawa and Bokuto had to go in his stead.

Pretty Boy ordered Bokuto to find his on university campus. He wasn’t given exact directions so it was hard. But then again Pretty Boy texted him to meet him around 3 PM and not exactly 3 PM so he had time.

After fifteen minutes of wandering around and Oikawa not picking up his phone, he even considered using some tracking devices. Or asking Shirabu to build a search dog robot with him.

He finally found him. Oikawa was sitting on a bench, talking to someone. When he realized to whom, his heart skipped a bit. Immediately he hid behind the bush.

Akaashi. Akaashi was siting next to Oikawa.

THE AKAASHI. Wonderful and beautiful.

Bokuto felt like he was going to faint.

“Kou-chan! You’re finally here! I have your shampoo! Actually, I was just giving some to Akaashi” Oikawa smirked. “Akaashi, this is Bokuto. He’s friends with Koushi’s boyfriend and mine.”

Bokuto tried to speak but because Akaashi was near he sounded like malfunctioning robotic owl.

“You… use it… too?” he asked Akaashi.

“Yes. Everyday.”

Bokuto’s heart was making _kyun_ and _toki doki_ sounds and he couldn’t stop it. He used the same shampoo as Akaashi. THEY WERE CONNECTED.

“So Akaashi was just telling me about this new owls at the ZOO… And how I really can’t go with him and he doesn’t want to go alone.”

“It’s okay if I go alone” said politely Akaashi. “ I just thought it would be better to have company.”

Bokuto knew. He saw Oikawa glance at him and it was a sign. It was now or never. It was his only chance. And Pretty Boy believed in him.

“I WILL BE YOUR COMPANY!!!!” he yelled loudly.

Akaashi looked at him with surprise.

“But… there will be a lot of owls” he said. “Are you fine with that?”

“I love owls! I live owls! I am like an owl!” Bokuto stated with determination.

Akaashi looked at him in clear confusion. Bokuto thought that he was clearly too focused on the way Akaashi looked at things. But he had such beautiful eyes.

“He’s in that group that is making robotic owls” Oikawa added.

“Ah, them” Akaashi nodded understandingly. “I always wanted to see their owls but…”

“I can show them to you! Even now!” Bokuto interrupted.

This morning his team decided to program owls into loving each other so they were particularly cute today.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san. I look forward to it. And to our trip to the ZOO” Akaashi smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so…. I hope you liked it!  
>   
> I am working on few new things right now (as in, I have started writing and drafts are somewhat complete) but I’m not decided which I should focus on so maybe give me some advice?  
>   
> \- Part 2 of this fic about Bokuto and Kuroo, 5 chapters or sth like that.  
>   
> \- E.T. WHERE ARE YOU? or ALIEN FIC  
>   
> Kuroo is working for NASA. There are some strange signals coming from a certain university to space. They seem really alien. Kuroo (as a scientist) and few agents (Iwaizumi and Lev) go there undercover to investigate. Kuroo pretends to be a student, Iwaizumi a librarian and Lev a janitor. And they are looking for aliens.  
> So basically it’s a college AU with aliens and super spies.  
> (main ship will be Kuroo/Tsukushima with a little Iwaioi on the side)  
>   
> \- ATTACK ON POTATO  
>   
> As you may suspect, Shingeki no Kyojin fic. Involves an immense amount of plot twists and food porn. Because I like food and cooking. And I live for plot twists.  
> Few things led to Eren falling in love:  
> 1\. He went grocery shopping and attempted to play the knight in shining armor (failed terribly).  
> 2\. Neighborhood kids stared calling him a creep.  
> 3\. He kind of stole and ate his boss’s lunch. And it was delicious.  
> 4\. He found out his childhood best friend Armin was a drag queen.  
> And somehow there was no coming back. And Mikasa was going to kill him.
> 
> So? On which one do you think I should work the hardest now? ୧༼✿ ͡◕ д ◕͡ ༽୨


End file.
